http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Fri, 24 May 2013 05:01:51 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/295626-aa-drama.html Fri, 24 May 2013 04:31:47 GMT Went to an AA meeting tonight and now wish I hadn't. Alittle back story, Part 1, I've been sober for 35days have been trying to be open minded to AA and have made some good friends.
Part 2, my husband had been in jail for 90days, now out for 2week and has been sober the whole time. He started going to AA on his own.

Tonight I went to a womens group, my husband went to an open meeting down the hall.

A yelling fight that ended with one woman stomping out of the meeting due to somebody "cross talking" and the chair person abrutly stopping her and embarrassing her to tears. It was incredible uncomfortable.

Meet up with my husband after meeting and he was extermely upset. A woman told him that at his first meeting he broke protocol and "cross talked". And apparently said it in a way that made him feel like she was talking down on him and infront of people. He is so upset says he will never go to another AA meeting.

WTH??? I know these meetings aren't suppose to be like this, I can't believe the coincedence of events tonight. I'm so stressed, sad, and pissed all at the same time.

Just needed to share. ]]> Alcoholism Jean77 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/295626-aa-drama.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/fitness-health-nutrition/295625-one-more-step.html Fri, 24 May 2013 04:11:37 GMT Hi everyone. Ten and half months sober now and I have started working on the physical side of my recovery. I am 33 and have weighed 160 pounds for 13 years. I used to be really fit and at one point... Hi everyone. Ten and half months sober now and I have started working on the physical side of my recovery. I am 33 and have weighed 160 pounds for 13 years. I used to be really fit and at one point actually ran a marathon. It's time to get some of that back.

I started working out four or five weeks ago with the goal of just trying to get back into the routine. I have done pretty well so far. I started Insanity and did that for three weeks until I realized that I really need to spend more effort on bulk rather than cutting. Things are going great, I'm pumped about getting fit and with these weeks under my belt my body is starting to want to work out now. I'm making the shift to the gym tomorrow morning. I have a solid three days a week workout routine I think will be perfect. I'm starting by figuring out my maxes and lift weight levels this and next week and generally taking it slow and careful. I have protein powder and lots of time. Even with just over a month of working out I am starting to see small results which has me excited to get into a gym once again. My goal is to put on 5-10 pounds of muscle by my birthday in August. I would like so much to look healthier and be a bit better on the eyes for my wife. She put up with me for a long time and still does. The least I could do is give her some abs to cuddle up with! :sly: ]]> Fitness, Health, and Nutrition Harden1313 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/fitness-health-nutrition/295625-one-more-step.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295624-cocaine-car-wreck.html Fri, 24 May 2013 04:03:13 GMT My Life On Drugs By: Carmine Riccardo At the age of 14, I went for a car ride. Unbeknownst to me, this venture was my entry into the drug culture; only hours after the fact, I had made the... My Life On Drugs
By: Carmine Riccardo
At the age of 14, I went for a car ride. Unbeknownst to me, this venture was my entry into the drug culture; only hours after the fact, I had made the decision to use drugs. It was my first experience using marijuana out of spite and curiosity. I was spiteful because my father had me go with him to pick up a large amount of marijuana.
While driving back home we had run a red light while high on drugs. There were three police cruisers directly behind his vehicle, speeding towards us with sirens blaring. At the same time of his illegal activity, the paranoia from the drugs he was under the influence of had caused him to abruptly swerve his vehicle into a convenience store parking lot. Simultaneously, he pulled a huge bag of drugs out from his coat lining and put in under my seat. I did not know why he wanted me to go for the car ride until that moment. I am a very observant person. Realizing what had just occurred, I weighed the pros and cons of the situation. Instead of expressing my emotions to him, I bottled up my thoughts on this topic thinking that nothing positive would come of talking to him about what he had just done. I had felt the cons had outweighed the pros ten to one. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I kept quiet and a feeling of spitefulness overwhelmed me. Only spitefulness, not anger, not hostility, sadness nor any form of negativity.
The rest of the two mile ride home was very quiet and full of tension that consumed the air. Hours had passed, nerves had calmed, but the spitefulness within me still remained. I was content with keeping quiet while remaining spiteful, focusing my attention on a software program that was on the family computer in the living room of the two story, three bedroom brick building apartment in Troy, NY populated with 50,000 people. This software program enabled me to create and build a video game from scratch. Video game programming was a passion of mine. I am still extremely creative even now at age 30. My drive and determination to complete the creation of my own video game was extremely exhilarating as it would be for any 14 year old who’s interest lies in gaming. However, this feeling of spitefulness had my undivided attention, distracting me from completing this goal I had made for myself causing me to break away from my passion which then led to resentment followed by my self destructive behaviors as a teen.
Engulfed with the feelings of spitefulness and resentment I felt compelled to seek retribution against my father by stealing the marijuana he sold to aid in supporting my brother and I. Even though I know these thoughts were sinful in nature, I did not care. During my emotional conflict, I felt justified. I was raised in a God fearing manner at face value. The relationship with my brother and father appeared loving and caring towards each other. I attended Church, bible camp, Sunday school and even bible study at times on my own free will. I knew right from wrong. However, it seemed as though my only living parent did not care about the wreckless decisions that were being made. Making these observations, I said to myself “if he doesn’t care about making good moral decisions or embracing a better standard of living, why should I care considering I am a product of him?”
It is my fault for not implementing the positive changes in my life to live the happier lifestyle that I had wanted. As I learned from the mistakes made by others and myself, I’ve held onto resentment for a very long time and it has influenced every decision I made up until the first time I was arrested in my life.
The night I stole marijuana from my father, I felt entitled to it. Because of the circumstances, I started to smoke the marijuana in my bedroom at 3 AM, after he had gone to sleep. Thinking I wouldn’t get caught, I put a fan in the window. Immediately after I had inhaled smoke from the joint I rolled my father had got up to go to the bathroom. Smelling the smoke throughout the apartment he approached my bedroom realizing that’s where the smell had originated. I felt ashamed, disloyal, sad, and broken. At this point I was heavily intoxicated by the marijuana. He asked if I had stolen his drugs. I lied replying to him “no” out of shame and guilt from my actions I had taken that night. Instead of taking responsibility for my bad behavior as a young mature adult, I felt I couldn’t emotionally express myself to my father because I’ve watched him brush off his emotions in the past even though I knew it would’ve been the most appropriate action to take. I felt inferior because of how I had behaved. I had lied, stole, deceived, hurt, betrayed and let down my father for the first time in my young adult life. In a sick and twisted and emotionally distraught way I had felt vindicated for my actions which were extremely hurtful to my brother and father as well as myself. My actions have caused a huge amount of anxiety, despair, distrust, discomfort, anger, resentment, volatility, hostility, sadness, discontent, remorse, self pity, fear and self loathing within myself and others who seemed to be within a 10 foot radius of me, solely because of the greed and envy marijuana has caused me to feel using every hour of every day for over 15 years.
At the beginning of my 15 year drug binge I felt content with only using marijuana until it wasn’t enough of an escape from the emotional pain. I was causing others and myself grief because of my lying, cheating, stealing and volatility due to my childish, spiteful behavior which I never addressed accordingly. I remained resentful for many reasons. The major reasons derived from my inability to accept the things I could not change which consisted of the deaths of family members, not living up to my family’s expectations of the quality of my school work, the ridicule for the way I dressed, the way I spoke, how I presented myself, and the feeling of being micro-managed. These feelings I felt set in motion the emotional distance between my family and I, bottling in this emotional baggage by remaining volatile, distant, quiet, reserved, sneaky and dishonest. The sadness this caused me was inconceivable.
At this point in my life I began to travel down a road headed towards a town called Selffishnessville where it was accepted to live in darkness and betrayal. The only light I could find was within the use of marijuana and hallucinogens. Those substances were the brightness in my life at the age of 15. With the above said, my underlying problem lay within myself. Deciding not to address these issues because of my living conditions, which couldn’t be changed, even though my father told me to move out of his apartment.
Moving out of his apartment, I relocated to a friend’s house. He sold an assortment of drugs. After I removed myself from that environment, my father sent my brother to find me and forced me back into what I referred to as a “living hell.” Because of the physical violence, drug activity and the life of sin that was unfolding before my very eyes in that apartment, sins I had done along with the sins committed by my father and brother, it was too much to bear witness to. I needed an emotional escape. I knew right from wrong. I was an emotional mess. I had told myself I am a man and that I don’t need to deal with emotions. All I ever wanted in this life was to put on a real smile, not a fake one. I have gained many values and positive traits throughout the experiences for my religious related activities. I had spirituality within me, however at this point, the chemicals in marijuana worked their way into my brain chemistry and turned me into lazy, unfounded and withdrawn from society. Consistently isolating myself, attempting to figure out how to gain the gravy train sailing through the through life on a silver platter, I consumed LSD for the first time when I was 15 years old by returning to that friends house whom I previously moved into.

The spitefulness and curiosity about what it was like to put on a smile and like to laugh I had eaten 10 hits of LSD. The eagerness to experience a smile overwhelms my conscience; I urned to stop living in such a dark emotional place. I devoured any type of hallucinogenic that enabled me to smile and laugh, not accepting reality for what it was. My negative outlook on life was in my own head, living life on my own terms, self-medicating my situational depression, and selfishly not caring about anyone or anything that would block my path to what I seen as an escape from reality. I wanted to be happy spiritually and emotionally. I wish I had the inner emotional strength to put my foot down and drain this mind of madness. The drugs I used on an hourly basis, from that point on, manipulated my vision of what life should be.
Loving this distorted reality, I lived life with a false sense of security. The drugs would protect my emotional needs. Not being aware of what harm those drugs were doing to my brain chemistry, I continued the usage of marijuana and hallucinogens hourly for years because I liked the feeling of putting my emotions away. I became emotionless, immune to any type of positive enforcement in my life. I wallowed in the negativity because the negativity enabled my craving to use drugs. I felt I was living a lavish lifestyle; my vision of reality seemed true. During the ages of 15 to 18, I held onto a positive quality, which was a strong willed work ethic. Drugs had depleted my view of the essence of life, which is to live and let live.
My first job was in retail at the age of 16. I was capable of using drugs and showing up to work on time, however my appearance was lacking, my demeanor was nonexistent, and my feelings were that of the stonewall. Though my will to provide for my want of a lavish lifestyle, in it's sick distorted view, was as strong as God's will for man, who I didn't care to acknowledge at this point in time because these drugs were my savior. I eventually quit this job submitting my two weeks notice. After completing my two weeks, I continued onto other retail environments which the drug induced me found conflict with. As life would have it, at this point, accountability, acceptance and forgiveness were things that were a distant memory of mine and this behavior carried on for a very long time.
I had moved on hoping and skipping from job to job, never staying at one location for more than two weeks, finding conflicts of interest where ever my drugged up body may lead me. I had found a place of employment 100 feet away from my living environment; The two-story, three-bedroom brick building where my father, brother and I lived. My brother had moved out of the apartment that was filled with a negative aura from all the abusive behaviors we had exposed each other to. In my constant drug induced state I had become mildly relieved of some anguish that I and others in my life had created, referring to the trauma I was subjected to. The emotional roller coaster I put my family on because of my disloyalty to them from my inappropriate behavior included lying and stealing from loved ones to support my drug habit which of course caused a rift within the family and it led to distant relationships.
With this environment slightly changed, I felt a little relief. I felt some contentment. Being happy with this new living environment I celebrated this feeling by being enthusiastic in my work life. I was attentive, caring, thoughtful and precise at work only. I'll remaining high on marijuana the whole time, after a period of time, I had been able to successfully balance my finances and work life. My contentment grew into relaxation in those areas of my life. However, my home and family was a miserable state of affairs; a dark void and black hole. The pain this caused me was brutal. Before employment at this job, I decided to put down the hallucinogens and pick up cocaine to help me feel a sense of numbness. Physically and emotionally this euphoric feeling was exhilarating. It made all my problems go away momentarily. When I wasn't on cocaine I felt emotionally confused. When I would feel negativity overwhelm me, the urge to use was superhuman. I stole from my father and my employer by borrowing money that I said I would pay back and never did even though in my heart I wanted to pay back those debts. The debts became unmanageable just as my life had become as unmanageable. I kept up this behavior for two years which has caused others and myself grief, misfortune, distrust and resentment. Eventually I succumbed to these negative feelings, emotions and actions by wallowing in self pity and manipulation. I ran away from my emotional issues by moving out of my father’s house only to relocate to a different area in the same county. I obtained employment elsewhere without any type of notice. The employer that trusted me with great responsibility to manage their daily functions as a repair shop, towing service and gas station I just abruptly left. This left him feeling betrayed as I felt ashamed from my actions because as I have said, I know right from wrong, but I just didn’t care about anyone other than myself. I had put this behind me attempting to forget about it because it was emotionally hurtful to relive this shame I had brought upon myself.
Relocating to a different town, I attempted to restart my life by gaining employment at a fast food restaurant. The people in management had noticed my attentiveness and strong work ethic, they entrusted me and offered me a position in management. During this time, I had quit cocaine cold turkey because I didn't like what it had done to my life in such a short time. I was 20 years old turning 21 and I was doing a fair job maintaining this lifestyle only using marijuana because my work life was my only life. I stopped to hallucinogen use at the age of 18 and I stopped the cocaine use upon relocating at the age of 20. I was only consuming marijuana to help defuse anxiety that I had created. Using seems to be the only solution to my problems. I had felt happy about that but at that same time was unsure of my future in all aspects of life.
Using large amounts of cannabis to sedate my emotions was a pattern of constant mental torture continuing on and on, not caring about the wreckage being created within my life as well as the public perception. I had found that my drug induced state abruptly found another way to scapegoat my issues onto someone else's behavior causing me to see conflicts that weren't even there. After being complacent at my work place for a certain period of time, which led me to walk away from my issues once again, I somehow managed to remain financially stable. A sense of pride came over me with this accomplishment even though I was emotionally strained. Having a strong work ethic I knew that keeping employed would bring a sense of purpose into my life such as joy, motivation, happiness, durability and humbleness.
The experiences I have encountered up to this point led me to be aware of the journey of independent living. Being independent was a good feeling. The stressfulness of using marijuana was clearly apparent at this juncture. My stubbornness was very concerning to me but the drugs didn't care. Drugs were so engraved into my life it became a part of my daily routine at 22 years of age. My thinking process was extremely distorted and I deceived many people by now. I knew this way of life wasn't what I wanted but it seemed too late by then. I was in fear of living societies status quo and never developed the proper coping mechanisms as a youth. I chose not to seek professional help because of the egotistical male mentality saying to myself "I am a man and I don't need to feel emotions." That's what my previous living environment was like so I thought I could get by life with following the same footsteps. I was wrong for thinking like that. At 22 years old I knew this doing nothing to stop it and this type of thinking led me to behave in a similar manner at another place of employment.
Directly after my fast food management experience I became employed at Big Lots. Having the same exact mentality, the management saw my work ethic, hired me on as a manager, but I felt the same hardships at this place having the same mentality as I had at the prior place of employment. The difference this time was I had put in a two week notice and fulfilled my obligation of completing my two weeks. During these two weeks at Big Lots, I was working full-time at Walmart also. For those two weeks I was working 80 hours a week. I had felt pride, joy, accomplishment, exhaustion, but at times happy and energetic. I hadn't used cocaine or hallucinogens for years at this point in life which helped me think clearer which aided my smile. I smoked marijuana like a fiend without it seemingly to affect my daily life on the surface, But emotionally I was nonexistent. Seeming to live a double life, using marijuana to help sleep, it caused my anxiety to get swept under the rug for a brief moment in time when I was high which eventually led me to be financially screwed. My using lead to more resentment and anxiety directed toward myself because I knew better but did nothing about it.
At this point I noticed I was barely holding on to my standard of living. The drugs I had stopped using wreaked havoc on my emotions while my health and financial stability was being terrorized by my urge want and need to use cannabis. Soon to be 23 years of age as a single adult male working overnights at Wal-Mart, skinny from depression, mentally all over the place from the use of drugs over the years, I decided to friend of female companion to see if that would remedy all my pains. I met a woman at Wal-Mart. She saw how I had respected her for who she was and for no other reason. At that time in my life, things appeared to get better for my emotional needs as well as my finances stabilizing. As my higher power whom I ignored would see it seldomly thanking Him for all the blessings in my life throughout the past 10 years, but would from then on.
At the age of 22 the relationship with work turned chaotic fast, even though I was happy, spiteful, unforgiving, joyous, hostile, caring and well mannered, I seemed to not be able to let go of the emotional baggage which affected my overall demeanor. I interacted with others by prejudging individuals before I had a chance to get to know them. I knew where these feelings derived from, however it didn't stop me from putting a stop to these self destructive behaviors. I never chose to accept the things I could not change, nor had I wanted to accept responsibility for my behaviors and actions. I continued on this dark path for the following seven years.
After a few months at Wal-Mart, I had left that place of employment because of my inability to cope with my reality. I had trouble handling situations with people because my thought process wasn't proper thinking other people were the issue when there was no issue at all other then I grandiose thinking. Shortly thereafter, I was employed at a grocery store. At 22 years old this is when I started using cocaine again.
Meeting some coworkers whom were users of all kinds of drugs, I wasn't doing any other drug than marijuana at this time, and I didn't care to do any other drug at this point either. I felt content, comfortable, reliable, independent, honest and at the same time miserable, dishonest, non empathetic, spiteful and confused. My emotions were running rampid in my life causing very spontaneous and inappropriate behavior when encountering positive and negative situations that pertained to my work life. I was barely managing my emotions once again. My finances were somehow more stable than in previous months which led to the feeling of comfort within my financial circumstances because I was selling marijuana to my coworkers with no remorse. Being able to stay financially comfortable was my only concern at this point in my life. I had a woman in my life, I had my own apartment, my own vehicle, and despite not earning additional funds from an honest living, I was financially secure which made me feel happy. However, for some reason, I was still at war with myself; playing the self-pity role. I grew selfish quickly.
A coworker whom I sold marijuana to said he was looking for some cocaine. I eagerly jumped at the chance to hopefully gain more money and to feel someone else's need for a drug that I had so seemingly easily quit cold turkey. I didn't about the demoralization I would have came to feel after the sale of cocaine. I purchased the cocaine to resell it wanting to earn easy money but not caring about any possible legal or moral repercussions. I approached this person and he didn't want it anymore. He had gotten cocaine somewhere else. I felt frustrated, discouraged and spiteful towards myself and whoever else was in my path that I could vent to, which was nobody. I was excellent at isolating myself. Living in Rensselaer, New York, I had every intention to learn independence, life, laughter and love. I have lived on my own for two years during my short-lived vacation away from cocaine.
A week before I purchased this cocaine to resell my father moved into my apartment with me. His alcoholism had gotten him evicted from his apartment and he had limited options as far as his housing was concerned. I felt sympathy for his situation so I had opened my apartment to him. He had his issues and I had my issues. Our personalities clashed to the point of volatility and hostility causing extreme anxiety in only a few days of him living with me. I was anxious, mentally spent, and physically exhausted because of the stressors I had experienced from my own personal emotional situations. I was at an emotional breaking point when he was living with me. The anxiety from my previous living conditions with him weren't ideal which led me down Self Pity Boulevard. Smacking into all of the negative emotional lampposts that encompassed resentment, I didn't want to feel any of these painful emotions. I decided to numb my emotional and physical pain, through the use of cocaine I originally purchased to sell, not consume.
Using cocaine numbed my already distorted reality to an even worse reality. I overdosed on the cocaine, had a seizure and fractured my ribs. My father who was living with me came to my aid, assisted towards the couch to sit down and regain my abilities. While sitting on the couch I knew in my heart I didn't want to use anymore, but my brain was screaming for more which left me in a disgusted mental state of despair and confusion. Arriving at the hospital, I received medical attention for my fractured ribs. The next day the doctor wrote me a prescription and sent me on my way home. While I lay on the couch unable to work because of my injuries I sustained, I wallowed in self-pity, anxiety, resentment, loss of faith, loneliness and despair. I laid on my couch for a couple months while my girlfriend, who I hid the fact that I was using drugs, had no clue I sustained these injuries as a result of my cocaine use. She comforted my disgusting mentality on life while my father was using and abusing drugs in front of us. I grew extremely irritable with the situation. The resentment I held onto was even stronger than I ever experienced before. This resentment was directed toward myself but deflected onto others, using the childish blame game, pointing fingers at everyone other than myself who was the only one to truly blame. These emotions and feelings that consistently tormented me were a result from my own disgusting behavior while high on drugs. I didn't want to live that way but I did nothing to stop the self-destruction. For two months I was injured laying on my couch. I chose not to drink or drug as I was into much pain to use marijuana and I had told myself I was done using cocaine and the hallucinogens were a distant memory at this point in my life.
After my injuries had healed, over my work ethic was high, my feelings were hurt, and my self-esteem was at a low point. I had bills galore and I wanted a high-paying, reliable job. I chose to work at a bar that I had practically been raised in. My father had worked at this bar for 25 years. I was in my comfort zone there. People adored me, money was good, my girlfriend saw a reliable man who had a emotional baggage and seen me seldomly smoke marijuana. I had moved out of the apartment with my father; this being the second time living with him. I moved back to Troy where I grew up into an apartment with my girlfriend. Life seems to be Never-better than ever before and it was a grand experience to feel accepted by a person who didn't care about my past and loved me for me. I was emotionally overwhelmed not knowing how to react to this feeling of acceptance. I was distraught, baffled, confused, torn, enraged, sympathetic and demeaning towards her and myself. I cared for this woman very much and she was very nice to me but my actions never mirrored my feelings towards her. I was a scared little child and a 23-year-old's body. We purchased a home together, had children, two nice cars and all the recreational sporting fields at our disposal. Life couldn't get any better than this was my way of thinking until my cocaine addiction was uncontrollable. I was a very volatile man never expressing my emotions in an adult manner causing chaos within my family life. Because of selfishness, fear and self-loathing, my actions hurt people because I was hurt. Hurt people tend to hurt other people, which makes complete sense to me. I hurt myself and in doing so, I hurt my wife and children. My work life has suffered great blows, my wife has been put through hell, and my children were scared of me.
The police had never been involved in my life even though I have participated in illegal activity through my drug induced ventures, until one night when my wife, whom I had forced into supplying me money so I could purchase the drugs to feed my addiction, didn't have anyone to get the drugs from. I had a psychotic episode for the first time in my life , which to this day I still cannot remember. These actions, whether the police were involved or not, had scared me to the point that I will never in my God-given life time, think of touching drugs ever again. When it is my time to pass away on this earth, I will die sober. The emotional pain this has caused me is so dire that I am still grieving every day, just as much as I was when I had sobered up in jail on January 1, 2013, 16 days after being arrested for my sins against the woman who bore my children. Since that time, I have found God, peace in my life. While the emotional pain is still there, its being dealt with on a medical professional level so I can live this life that I have wanted to live. I never had the willingness, determination or the want to be happy and healthy until now. For the woman of mine still stands by me, loving me just the same if not more than when we first got together. This in itself shows me that drugs aren't worth my time and brings me great hope for the present and future ]]> Newcomers to Recovery Commenground http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295624-cocaine-car-wreck.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295623-lost-family-member-week.html Fri, 24 May 2013 04:02:47 GMT On Monday, a cousin of mine suffered an aneurysm and was brain dead immediately. She passed away on Tuesday. At first I thought of it as just another hurdle I was going to have to get through without... On Monday, a cousin of mine suffered an aneurysm and was brain dead immediately. She passed away on Tuesday. At first I thought of it as just another hurdle I was going to have to get through without drinking, as I would normally handle grief with a couple of glasses of wine followed by a minimum of twelve beers. I was right that it was a hurdle, but I've realized upon reflection that it is also an inspiration for me to keep going on this journey.

She was just 46, only nine years older than I am. She was very active, social, loved life, and seldom took a drink. In fact, she was the polar opposite of myself in almost every way. The inspiration came when I realized that there is no guarantee of tomorrow no matter how we live our lives. I started to think of all the hell I have put my body through over the years and how lucky I am to have a chance to get myself healthy and go on living. I'm so very fortunate to have an opportunity to make more memories, sober memories, and do things I dreamed of doing, but never got a chance to do because I was stuck in a bottle. I'm feeling very somber after the funeral tonight, but also very sober and glad of it.

Just thought I would share... ]]> Newcomers to Recovery TNGal http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295623-lost-family-member-week.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295622-34-days-throes-rainbows-recovery-sobriety-drug-future.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:59:13 GMT Hello. I finally joined this site but have been reading the posts since I quit drinking 34 days ago and have found it to be really helpful. I've done it without AA and am now thinking about going to meetings. This is bigger than I had imagined.

I don't typically blog or FB, so this is strange for me. So far, I've discussed my experiences with friends. I have a really good group of supportive friends, some recovering alcoholics, some that have never drank alcohol, but also a lot of alcoholic friends, whom I haven't seen as much lately.

Since quitting, some of my friends admitted to me that they thought I had a problem. In fact, some of them have told me in the past, but I had to quit when I was ready. (That is where the relationship comes into the story later.) My alcoholic friends would say I didn't really have a problem, obviously. Red flag. I am also having a hard time with my best friend, a good friend, a creative collaborator and my enabler. We loved to drink together. I want to preach to her and I know she has to do it when she is ready. We both are clearly alcoholics.

To set the stage, here were my habits over the past 12 years, maybe-- more intensely, the past 4 years and red flags that fell in front of my rapidly fogging diluted eyes appeared in the past 6 months:

I black out. All the time. I just "fall asleep". In public. It is embarrassing. Although, I never remember "the end" and my friends would get me home safe, which I feel really terrible now about the dead weight they were responsible for after I was irresponsible for the 5 bourbons I downed. They never complained to me. "You were fine, babe. You just fell asleep." I'd wake up and regret "missing the party"-- not missing the brain cells, not missing a decent present social reputation, not missing the trust of loved ones who would worry about me-- I missed finishing a bottle of whiskey with my wild friends... oh, the stories, they'd tell... Since being sober, I've been around my drunk friends, and those nights are far from wild or epic. They are dull and non-productive and I think about all I could have accomplished in my drunken time-warp-suck-blackhole... blackout hole.

I'd drink almost every night. Although, I didn't drink as much as my friends. Red flag. Maybe my iron stomach was not as strong because I eat like a bird. I am a lightweight. I would take 3 days off sometimes to recharge before a string of events in my social calendar, where I knew copious amounts of alcohol would be not only swirling in shiny glasses around me at the event, but I would "pre-game" to rid myself of any social anxieties. I am "fun party girl" and people expected me to be just that. In these 34 days at shows or events, some drinking friends look at me like I'm an alien. Maybe I am one right now. Relearning how to be human. To walk and talk and deal with emotions.

If I was excited, I'd drink. If I was sad, I'd drink. If I met a new boy, if I broke up, if I got a new project, if it was Tuesday... I'd drink. In the end, it became something I needed, to curb a possible anxiety attack. At work... a little water bottle filled with vodka in my bag, just in case. If I worked from home I'd have a 3pm cocktail. Weekends, I'd start earlier with brunch that would work it's way into a wasted day. On dates with the new guy in my life (someone a bit older than me that never drank or did drugs in his life), I'd bring that same bottle, just in case. I was like a boy scout from the dark side. Always prepared for something to happen where alcohol was absolutely necessary to get through it. You just never knew... -?!?! What was I thinking?!!

I may have lost that guy to my alcoholism. And now, sober, I see that he was probably the best fit a man could ever be for me. He is the guy I've looked around every corner for. I couldn't even see him, probably because he couldn't fit into my favorite bourbon bottle at my local liquor store.

In my thirties, he is the reason I waited so long to settle. And I let him slip through, I held onto a whiskey glass tighter than I held onto someone really extraordinary and special. Ultimately, with silver lining in mind, he lead me to quit drinking. He didn't ask me to quit or judge me. He asked me questions about consciousness. And seeing all of his amazing accomplishments realized and achieved, I was inspired to make that first choice, 34 days ago to not drink. I bought a journal and could not stop writing for hours. After I drew the pen from 50 or so pages deep into my still-store-bought-new-smell composition book, I realized alcohol touched and negatively affected every single thread of my life and being.

I started this experience, thinking I'd just take a break from drinking, but now realizing who I was and how I let all the good things in my life pass me by, I want sobriety to be my new lifestyle. I want to feel everything. I have never been happier. I've never wanted to work harder for something. I can not believe how much I've missed during my unaccountable and diluted time in the past-- the same wristwatch that now has slowed down to allow every valuable second of actual present living to sink into my senses and I weep from the beauty of it. Is sobriety the new drug of the future?

x ]]> Newcomers to Recovery nowthegood http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295622-34-days-throes-rainbows-recovery-sobriety-drug-future.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295621-new-comer-again-again.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:41:21 GMT No Body has to take the path I have taken. There are many 1 chip wonders. I have been fighting with alcoholism for 36 years.. many of that happy and sober. My latest was 14 1/2 years sober. Now... No Body has to take the path I have taken.
There are many 1 chip wonders.
I have been fighting with alcoholism for 36 years.. many of that happy and sober.
My latest was 14 1/2 years sober.
Now I can not get 3 days sober.
I know it hast to do with being totally honest to myself but why can I not see or get in touch with that.
I know the concequences and where I am headed and I do not want to loose anything I have gained in sobriety. Why can I not tap into letting God control my life?? I have made a wreck of it.
Frank ]]> Newcomers to Recovery Frankvecc http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295621-new-comer-again-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/recovery-addiction-alcoholism-news-movies-pop-culture/295620-hi-im-oxycodone-but-call-me-blues.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:34:33 GMT Hi everyone, I made this song after seeing someone close to me struggle with an addiction to opiates and painkillers. Please check it out and let me know what you think. Feel free to critique... Hi everyone,


I made this song after seeing someone close to me struggle with an addiction to opiates and painkillers. Please check it out and let me know what you think. Feel free to critique and/or share if you like it.

Hi, I'm Oxycodone, but Call Me "Blues" - YouTube

Thanks!

-F ]]> Recovery, Addiction, and Alcoholism in the News, Movies, and Pop Culture IamFenix http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/recovery-addiction-alcoholism-news-movies-pop-culture/295620-hi-im-oxycodone-but-call-me-blues.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295619-newcomers-anything-possible.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:29:44 GMT The Morning What gets me out of bed in the morning? Less than 2 years ago I had a seizure due to quitting benzos and methadone cold turkey. I ended up in a psych ward for 32 days total. I... The Morning

What gets me out of bed in the morning?

Less than 2 years ago I had a seizure due to quitting benzos and methadone cold turkey.

I ended up in a psych ward for 32 days total. I was delusional, barking like a dog, running the halls naked and thought my son was the Messiah.

When I got out I fell into a deep, deep chronic depression and I stopped eating for 2 months and lost 80 lbs. I was malnourished and my body shut down.

I lost all use of my arms and legs and speech and ended up in a hospital for 2 weeks and then a nursing home for 2 months in a diaper and on a feeding tube. I was inside looking outside and completely helpless and totally hopeless. I was just numb almost catatonic.

I could not do the simplest things that I took for granted. Brush my teeth, shower, go to the bathroom, walk, bring a spoon to my mouth.

I was given an opportunity to see life from a whole new perspective. One from an invalid's perspective.

By some miracle of God I was healed when doctors thought I would be in a mental institution for the rest of my life.

Today what gets me out of bed is knowing I don't have it so bad. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself today or complain that I have it bad, I think about how very grateful I am to beable to itch my nose. I am a miracle.

Would you believe I didn't have this revelation right away. In fact I continued to drink and drug after that and was still quite depressed. My alcoholism/addiction had finally run it's course. I was done. There was nothing left out there for me if I continued to use. Jail 7 times, 5 detoxes, 4 treatment centers, 5 psych wards, 3 DUI"S and a nursing home. I had 2 choices left. Kill myself or get help. I tried to kill myself, tried to down a whole bottle of trazadone. I didn't succeed. I wasn't happy about it at the time. Now I had just one choice left. Get help.

I went into detox. Best thing I ever did. Today I am happy because God had other plans for me, he is using my story to reach others.
I speak at detox now, the same one I was in and in a few months will be going into the jail I was in 7 times.

I will also be going into the same psych ward I was in to share hope on my climb out of depression.

So if you think your life is not worth anything. Think again. I wouldn't be the person I am if I did not go through all that and I am really ok today and you are too! ]]> Newcomers to Recovery deeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295619-newcomers-anything-possible.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism-12-step-support/295618-advice.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:23:25 GMT Hi, I am looking for some advice and help. I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have... Hi,
I am looking for some advice and help.
I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have been questioning my reasons for initially going to AA.
I will give a overview of my reasons for going to AA in the first place.
I am currently in my mid-thirties and when I was younger I was drinking a lot heavier than I would have been 17 months ago or so! When I was around 21 I suffered what I now know was a panic attack the next day after a heavy binge of alcohol. This had a major impact on all hangovers going forward as I lived in fear of the panic setting in again. (and it did quite regularly)
I did drink extremely heavily when I was in my twenties and the fear was unbearable the next day, however I justified my drinking as all my friends were drinking the same as myself at the time.
I also started taking cocaine occasionally when I was in the company of friends who had it.
The job I had at this stage in my life was quite flexible so I could get away with lying in bed on a Monday morning. I did also drink and drive quite frequently and once wrecked my car whilst drunk.(10 years ago)
I always managed to get away with things and was never in trouble with the law. From the outside looking in everything seemed fine. I had a good job etc.
To describe how I would feel the next day after a binge is as follows; I would be very paranoid and riddled with anxiety. I would sometimes relieve this by taking Valium or consuming more alcohol. I would do my best to avoid any contact with anyone. I would isolate myself until the feelings passed.
I know this was strange because my friends were able to function the next day. They might go for a game of golf or something. I could not do this. Sometimes I would go to a church a pray that the feelings would pass. ( I am not religious)
I carried on like this for eight years. I got married when I was 29 and settled down. I am now 35 and a father of two young children. I pulled back from my old friends and moved out of the area I was living in. I did continue to drink and when to excess the old feeling would be there! But I could not drink as much as I use to as I had responsibilities. I also never took cocaine again after I got married.
When I was 30 I was prescribed antidepressants by my doctor. I remember asking him if it was ok to drink alcohol while on them and he told me a bottle of beer to be sociable would be ok. I never just had one bottle of beer in my life! I drank quite heavily while on the antidepressants. (Lexapro)
The fear based hangovers subsided whilst taking the Lexapro and I thought this was a miracle.
I continued to drink and mainly at home for the next few years. At some point the antidepressants stopped working and fear was back the next day after a binge. My doctor tweaked my meds and put me on Cymbalta and Zimovane for sleep. I loved the Zimovane because it had the same effect as alcohol did. Pop one in the evening and chill out! I have to point out at this stage I would occasionally drink the next day in order to relive a hangover but would wait until evening time.
Along the road my mother passed away and I drank quite heavily to numb the grief. I also voluntarily left my secure job that I had been in for ten years. I set up my own business and whilst at the start of setting up the business I was able to abstain from drinking for 4 months. After six months my business failed. I began to drink quite frequently again. I managed to get a few jobs but could never hold them down. This was not because I did not show up for work; I just managed to find reasons why I did not like the people I worked with or would not be motivated to do my job.
In the run up to the Christmas 2011 I decided I would not drink on Christmas Eve and Day. Christmas was always a major drinking event in my life. (Meeting up with old friends etc.)
I managed to abstain from drinking for these two days, with the agreement of my wife that I could go to the pub for whole day on the 26th of December. This was always a major drinking day for me.
I was looking forward to it because most of my drinking was done at home and it was a novelty to be able to go to the Pub for the day, free of all responsibilities. Well I went out that day and I made up for the two days of abstained drinking. I got hammered drunk. I blacked out that night and woke up in my father’s house covered in my own urine. It was very embarrassing the next day, so I called up to a friend who I knew had a drinking problem and I drank to bottles of wine before 1 pm in the day and then phoned my wife to collect me. She was furious at the state I was in.
On the way home in the car I got her to pull over and I bought a six pack of beer, may as well continue before the fear sets in and try to recall what happened the night before.The above event was the decider for me that something was not right at all. I entered the rooms of AA a few days later. I was surprised at the welcome and how friendly everyone was. The last drinking episode was clearly etched in my head and I shared about this at the meetings. I attended the meetings quite regularly and got myself a sponsor.
In the last few months I have been pulling back on my meetings. I could not identify when others were sharing. As I said above I was not drinking every day, I was never in detox or treatment.
The last few days I have been contemplating drinking again! My head is on overdrive, very irritable and restless. I don’t know if an alcoholic or not.
Please help! ]]> Alcoholism-12 Step Support irish1978 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism-12-step-support/295618-advice.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/295617-calm-between-storms.html Fri, 24 May 2013 03:06:45 GMT You can’t fool me AH; I know what is coming. After the most recent blow up with my AH there is a state of calm. Monday night was the last bad night in a string of several proceeding. That is when... You can’t fool me AH; I know what is coming.

After the most recent blow up with my AH there is a state of calm. Monday night was the last bad night in a string of several proceeding. That is when my niece and I decided to go shopping instead of go to dinner with a bitter selfish drunk. We left my AH at the house, and he didn’t like that much. Since my niece was the only one willing to play his game he set his sights on her. He said some hurtful things to her and made threats. All of it ended up snowballing, and from where I left off Tuesday he was laying down very hangover. Through the snowstorm the night before his side of the family had been notified of him drinking again, and my AH was about to be confronted by his dad. I had very little to do with the gossip train, but I felt uncomfortable about his dad showing up at our house to confront my AH, especially since I would have been caught in the middle. A previous thread that I had started regarding this gave me some wonderful responses and I was prepared to utilize them to stay on my side of the fence, but as it turned out I didn’t need to. I had taken my dog for a long walk that day to clear my head before this confrontation was to happen and when I got back home my AH was on the phone with his dad. His dad didn’t come over after all, but I guess they had a good talk. He later apologized for his actions to me and to our niece.

Yesterday was a good day. He did not drink. He played basketball at the gym, and was fun to be around when I got off of work. He was present both physically and mentally. We had a good family night, and I really like seeing my niece smile and laugh with him. He slept in bed, last night, which was bitter sweet I guess. I am so used to him not in bed it was kind of a nuisance to give up so much room and blankets, however it was nice to have the silent companionship.

Today, I am getting phone calls of genuine wanting to talk to me and find out how my day is going, rather than his drunken calls that tend to be self serving attempts to pass along negativity and burden me with his issues. I have to admit, it has been nice to have him back even it is just temporary. His playful humor has been a nice break in the home’s lately more frequent tension.

I am not going to allow this calm to steer me away from making my plan, however. I know this is a calm before the next storm. It has happened time and time again throughout the years. He has not done anything differently. There is no miraculous breakthrough or spontaneous recovery program. He has not suddenly woken up and become a non addict. He also decided to get off his prescription anti depressants without doctor assistance. They are both low dosage, but to my knowledge medication, especially psych meds, should not be suddenly stopped without doctor’s approval. He stated he doesn’t believe they were working and made him feel weird. I advised him to make an appointment, but he is choosing not to. Well, whatever. Not only is it a dangerous choice, it also doesn’t seem like a promising long term fix either. So, I went ahead and signed my niece up for Driver’s Ed.. Her not having means for transportation when AH drinks was a worry of mine. She is so excited to be working on getting her license she worked so hard and is actually almost done with the online classroom portion of the Driver’s Ed.. It’s only been two days! She is close to getting her driving permit, and we’ll be doing behind the wheel training after that. Every step counts.

Is it wrong to enjoy this little piece of him while it lasts? Despite the shoe hanging in the air waiting to drop, I find myself able to smile a bit with him during these sober days. This doesn’t mean everything is “a okay,” and granted it’s not full out “I’m happy forever” smile, but it’s just a having fun smile. Is it wrong to enjoy these days knowing that my plan is geared to leave? I haven’t discussed leaving with him any deeper than me assuring him that I do not want to live with a practicing addict long term. ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics MTSlideAddict http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/295617-calm-between-storms.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295616-day-10-a.html Fri, 24 May 2013 02:28:14 GMT Wow. That was possibly the longest 10 days ever! Time seems to be going in slow motion. Still feeling the physical withdrawal strongly but I think they may have eased possibly 10 percent. I am... Wow. That was possibly the longest 10 days ever! Time seems to be going in slow motion. Still feeling the physical withdrawal strongly but I think they may have eased possibly 10 percent. I am hoping they don't come back.

I'm wanting to use today really bad. I'm holding on but I that mental battle. ]]> Newcomers to Recovery Midlifecrisis http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295616-day-10-a.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295614-help-please.html Fri, 24 May 2013 01:55:40 GMT Hi, I am looking for some advice and help. I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have... Hi,
I am looking for some advice and help.
I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have been questioning my reasons for initially going to AA.
I will give a overview of my reasons for going to AA in the first place.
I am currently in my mid-thirties and when I was younger I was drinking a lot heavier than I would have been 17 months ago or so! When I was around 21 I suffered what I now know was a panic attack the next day after a heavy binge of alcohol. This had a major impact on all hangovers going forward as I lived in fear of the panic setting in again. (and it did quite regularly)
I did drink extremely heavily when I was in my twenties and the fear was unbearable the next day, however I justified my drinking as all my friends were drinking the same as myself at the time.
I also started taking cocaine occasionally when I was in the company of friends who had it.
The job I had at this stage in my life was quite flexible so I could get away with lying in bed on a Monday morning. I did also drink and drive quite frequently and once wrecked my car whilst drunk.(10 years ago)
I always managed to get away with things and was never in trouble with the law. From the outside looking in everything seemed fine. I had a good job etc.
To describe how I would feel the next day after a binge is as follows; I would be very paranoid and riddled with anxiety. I would sometimes relieve this by taking Valium or consuming more alcohol. I would do my best to avoid any contact with anyone. I would isolate myself until the feelings passed.
I know this was strange because my friends were able to function the next day. They might go for a game of golf or something. I could not do this. Sometimes I would go to a church a pray that the feelings would pass. ( I am not religious)
I carried on like this for eight years. I got married when I was 29 and settled down. I am now 35 and a father of two young children. I pulled back from my old friends and moved out of the area I was living in. I did continue to drink and when to excess the old feeling would be there! But I could not drink as much as I use to as I had responsibilities. I also never took cocaine again after I got married.
When I was 30 I was prescribed antidepressants by my doctor. I remember asking him if it was ok to drink alcohol while on them and he told me a bottle of beer to be sociable would be ok. I never just had one bottle of beer in my life! I drank quite heavily while on the antidepressants. (Lexapro)
The fear based hangovers subsided whilst taking the Lexapro and I thought this was a miracle.
I continued to drink and mainly at home for the next few years. At some point the antidepressants stopped working and fear was back the next day after a binge. My doctor tweaked my meds and put me on Cymbalta and Zimovane for sleep. I loved the Zimovane because it had the same effect as alcohol did. Pop one in the evening and chill out! I have to point out at this stage I would occasionally drink the next day in order to relive a hangover but would wait until evening time.
Along the road my mother passed away and I drank quite heavily to numb the grief. I also voluntarily left my secure job that I had been in for ten years. I set up my own business and whilst at the start of setting up the business I was able to abstain from drinking for 4 months. After six months my business failed. I began to drink quite frequently again. I managed to get a few jobs but could never hold them down. This was not because I did not show up for work; I just managed to find reasons why I did not like the people I worked with or would not be motivated to do my job.
In the run up to the Christmas 2011 I decided I would not drink on Christmas Eve and Day. Christmas was always a major drinking event in my life. (Meeting up with old friends etc.)
I managed to abstain from drinking for these two days, with the agreement of my wife that I could go to the pub for whole day on the 26th of December. This was always a major drinking day for me.
I was looking forward to it because most of my drinking was done at home and it was a novelty to be able to go to the Pub for the day, free of all responsibilities. Well I went out that day and I made up for the two days of abstained drinking. I got hammered drunk. I blacked out that night and woke up in my father’s house covered in my own urine. It was very embarrassing the next day, so I called up to a friend who I knew had a drinking problem and I drank to bottles of wine before 1 pm in the day and then phoned my wife to collect me. She was furious at the state I was in.
On the way home in the car I got her to pull over and I bought a six pack of beer, may as well continue before the fear sets in and try to recall what happened the night before.The above event was the decider for me that something was not right at all. I entered the rooms of AA a few days later. I was surprised at the welcome and how friendly everyone was. The last drinking episode was clearly etched in my head and I shared about this at the meetings. I attended the meetings quite regularly and got myself a sponsor.
In the last few months I have been pulling back on my meetings. I could not identify when others were sharing. As I said above I was not drinking every day, I was never in detox or treatment.
The last few days I have been contemplating drinking again! My head is on overdrive, very irritable and restless. I don’t know if an alcoholic or not.
Please help! ]]> Newcomers to Recovery irish1978 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295614-help-please.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295613-lost-veteran-today.html Fri, 24 May 2013 01:50:13 GMT At Milwaukee Va

Big Old Veteran

Went in to a seizure

Drop heavy to the floor

I didn't do any thing

emt quick

died ]]> Newcomers to Recovery wiscsober http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/295613-lost-veteran-today.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/295612-i-need-yall-now.html Fri, 24 May 2013 01:44:34 GMT AH just sent a letter. Those not familiar with me. AH went in rehab last July came home September. Relapsed Nov. started using cocaine, staying in hotel after I kicked him out then spent days... AH just sent a letter.


Those not familiar with me. AH went in rehab last July came home September. Relapsed Nov. started using cocaine, staying in hotel after I kicked him out then spent days in countless bars and strip clubs all day long till march. Went back to rehab march 4. Out April 14. Relapsed and overdosed within 8 days. After hospital stay for od he still went out and used the next day. Called me and I delivered him back to rehab. They accepted him, but said it would have to AT LEAST be a 90 day program and we had to pay up front.
He's been in 3 weeks and 4 days. He took me and his mother (everyone) off the hipaa form a week ago because we reported him for making phone calls. He was not supposed to have phone privileges for first 30 days. So they won't tell us anything. His letters make no sense and say the same thing as last rehabs. Plus he's still lying, trying to control and manipulate through his letters. I have not responded to any of it. I send him a very emotionally detached letter updating him on kids and nothing else.
Today's letter says he is processing out next Wednesday!!!????!!! And he wants me to pick him up!? He needs to come home and be with his family, his head is clear, he loves me blah blah blah!!!! And PS. Get me a phone!!!
#1. Heck no! I will not be picking your azz up.
#2. No. You will not come home. I will not put my kids through this. And from now on, I'm not accepting anything I wouldn't want my daughter to accept from her husband.
#3. You used your phone to call strippers, coke dealers etc. heII no, I will not get you a new one. Figure it out!

Forgot to mention AH cant drive because of Multi DUIs. But he's been successful in business and has access to $. His family runs the business right now with limited POA. So again, it will be me living in a car so he can go work out, go to meetings etc. plus I have a very active 17 year old and a 2 year old and my oldest daughter (25) is expecting a baby in July.

We did get march man act papers prepared for this day and they are at the rehab facility, because of total dysfunction and overdose episode. However! The judge has signed them but they will place him in mental hospital for 5 days to be evaluated and then return him to posh Florida rehab condo on sandy white beaches. Only then he can not leave and judge will reevaluate his progress every 30 days. Problem. Rehab doctor doesn't want him placed in mental hospital for the 5 days! I signed them. How can he( the doctor) decide to not use them when this is why we had them done??? And before you start asking: no! My motivation is not to make him get help! Read previous posts. This man is out of control! He's headed to death or prison. I no longer want him to get well for me because I don't even know my roll in his life. But he cannot keep burning through the business money, terrorizing everyone. Period.

Please tell me what's next. What should I do other than not show up to get him or allow him in my home? I need rational advice. His family wants me to threaten rehab since they made us pay up front and even if they aren't aware of his plans next week, with this letter they will be! ]]> Friends and Family of Alcoholics nothopeful1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/295612-i-need-yall-now.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/295611-what-horrible-day.html Fri, 24 May 2013 01:33:31 GMT First I want to say its been 20 days since Ive picked up a drug!! Thats extreme for me. But I have to admit Ive been very tempted lately, I have one voice saying its ok just once wont hurt, then the... First I want to say its been 20 days since Ive picked up a drug!! Thats extreme for me. But I have to admit Ive been very tempted lately, I have one voice saying its ok just once wont hurt, then the other saying dont be stupid look where once got you! Today has been exceptionally hard for me, I got a call first thing this morning and my ex husband ( the father of my children ) was killed in a car accident around 6 pm yesterday, he had been drinking, something he hasnt done in over 15 years, he hit a tree head on. Needless to say I immediately thought I needed a pill so I will be strong enough for this, it would get me through this easier, but I didnt! Im still not in the best shape physically or mentally an now I have to be there for my children & grand children who are a complete mess right now, and honestly I am too, this was a man I was with since I was 14 years old, we have 3 children together & 8 grand children, we remained very good friends even after we divorced. So as if we dont already know where drugs & alcohol will lead us this is enough proof for me, since Ive already lost my youngest son to drugs 2 1/2 years ago at the age of 29. Its a no win situation, I should have learned my lesson when my son passed away but of course I felt like the only way to cope was with drugs, now this. I know I dont wanna end up dead, so I will NEVER use again, I dont care how hard life is, it has to get better with time. Right now I have to be very strong, not only for myself but for my family. So anyone new to recovery who thinks nothing like this will happen to you, it can! There is nothing good to come of it! So if you feel like using again just think to yourself, is it worth losing everything including your life? I dont think so! ]]> Substance Abuse SickNSooooTired http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/295611-what-horrible-day.html