Confused

[renee18]

Hi everyone. It has been awhile because I have been so busy with school and work never ending. Okay here is what is going on for awhile now I have been having obesssions with food. I am around food all the time because I work in a kitchen fri, sat, sun, I also have been having an obession with looking at how other girls look. I know I should not judge myself on what other girls look like but I have realized that I look at other girls all the time. I compare myself to them. I also compare other girls to other girls. I do not know why I do this and I am alone able to write this here beause I feel ashamed looking at what other girls bodies look like compared to mine. I really do not want to be healthy I want to look like a model which will never happen. TOnight I have not been feeling good and I did not have dinner because of work but I brought pizza back to my room to eat two pieces and i only eat one and then said I am too fat to eat the other piece and I throw i away I am still a little hungry but my stomach hurts because I ate at 1:00 and now it is 7:30 so my stomach hurts and i feel like going to throw up but wont but the obessions are so strong in my head and I do not want to feel like this anymore.

Love,
Shana

[Nina Kay]

Hi Shana,
Glad to see you here again. Wish you could come here more often. I think that it would really help. I haven't been doing too good with the food either, but not really too bad I guess. I've done worse, before. I am not young like you, but I do remember noticing how other girls looked and comparing myself to them. I think that is probably natural, not a good thing, but normal. I used to take my kids to the mirror when they put themselves down in any way and we'd go through each feature one at a time. I'd ask them what was wrong with each one and they honestly went away feeling alot better after breaking it all down. I think that you need to focus on the positive traits that you have and honestly evaluate what you thing is each negative trait. Then you sit down and make that list and plan about what you can do to better each negative and build up each positive trait. Those are just some thoughts. Everyone you are looking at is probably doing the same thing as you are. It doesn't seem like anyone is satisfied with themselves the way they are. I have known alot of people my kids age for years and the prettiest girls and cutest guys were the ones with the least self-esteem. It has always just blown me away. I can't understand it. It's all about how we feel about ourselves inside. The outside doesn't really call the shots.

[Pony]

Oh Shana, I totally understand what you mean about looking at other girls and their figures. I have caught myself doing the same with women close to my age group. I look at their cute little figures and wish that I could be that! Reality is that I will never be as small as most of them. They are just built differently and probably have different family genetics.

But more recently I have found myself taking a more honest look at some of these girls/women and noticing that they are not so perfect either. If you look close enough you can see that most everyone has something that can be improved on what we seem to think is a perfect body. There are some really skinny ladies that have no muscle tone.....they're flabby! Or they are not perfectly proportioned....something longer than another thing...or they are really tall or really short. No one is perfect.

That doesn't mean that I am jealous and I go looking for something negative about them....no that's not it at all. I am just taking a trueful look at what I thought to be so perfect that I was get down on myself about. Also, I noticed in my people watching is that I am not alone. What I mean is:

One time my other half and I were on vacation. (now keeping in mind he is an active A) He had been out in the casinos all night.....came back to the room drunk, of course, and loudly made the comment that he was embarressed because he was the only man here (in that place) that was with the fattest woman. that he had the biggest woman in the whole entire place (casino/hotel) that out of all the prettiest thinnest women, he was stuck with me....and so on............You get the picture. Well, I was pretty upset by this and couldn't sleep. The next morning as I sat watching the people walk by I noticed that they were several large women around there, and some were even close to my age. Since then, I have noticed that they are many with a weight problem, this is not an isolated case of just few chosen ones. It is out there and many people, not just women, suffer from eating disorders and emotional upset that they use food or other behaviors to deal with those issues. Even those who starve themselves are not of healthy size or even look good. It is all how we preceive ourselves which comes back to self-esteem.

Shana, take an honest look around your campus and I'll be willing to bet that there are plenty of other girls your age that are struggling as well with these issues. Really look and remember that we all have different body types that come from our backrounds....ancestary and all. Some things we just cannot change.

Hugs to you sweet girl. Did I ever send you a pic. of me? If not I will work on getting one downloaded.....but it will be through email...privately..lol

[renee18]

Thanks Nina and Pony I not sure what to say this morning I am going to let what you two say sink in for awhile.

Pony no you did not send me a picture of you but I woul like to see a picture of you and if you want I will send you one of me.

Thanks guys
Shana

[pmaslan]

Hi Shana,
I understand how you feel....
I just got on the scale this weekend for the ifrst time in months.
I don't know why I was so shocked as my clothes were getting tighter.
I honestly need to lose 40lbs. This seems like it happened overnight.
Up until a year ago I went to the gym everyday.
After becoming so sucked into my ex (alcoholics) life I just forgot about me.
Two weeks ago I bought an incredible treadmil which I have been using fairly
regular now. Went to the zoo with my 2 boys yesterday walked for hours, but
then wound up eating pizza on the way home. How stupid......
Everyday is a new day, so all I can do is re-focus on today and eating better.
Take care Shana.....

[Nina Kay]

pmaslan,
I can't remember if I've talked to you before on this site, but if I haven't I want to welcome you here. We can use all of the comaraderie we can get. Here we all understand about having trouble with controlling our behaviour with food whether it's too much or too little. I personally can understand about getting sucked into a loved ones' life and neglecting to take care of our own. I've noticed a significant correlation in this area in many of our lives. I think that it's one of the things that we have to deal with in order to heal our minds and bodies properly. I do hope that you keep coming back so that we'll be able to give each other support and encouragement while dealing with our food and weight issues. I guess I should say our overall health issues.

[Nina Kay]

Shana,
How are you doing this morning? I hope better, but if your not, we're here.