hi and my intro

[tobefree]

ok can i preface this by saying i have read the terms and conditions but am not sure if there are any rules re numbers, foods etc, so PLEASE forgive me and edit it if there are

Hi everyone
I am a 35 year old (too old for this!) from New Zealand
I have four children and have been trapped by eds since I was 18.
Things started when I went to uni and gained about 20lbs. I had always been
slim and into my competitive swimming, so although I never got truly fat
(highest was 140lbs I’m 5’4”) it was big for me and I got a few (not mean)
comments. So I went on a normal healthy diet etc, but then got hooked into a
“wonder if I can lose another pound” mentality.
But I hung around the 112lb mark for several years, despite being trapped by
a lovely combo of anorexia/bulimia/and chewing/spitting food
After I got married in 1995 my weight dipped from an illness, and the demon
pound loser returned, I ended up at 76lbs in 1996 and was confronted at work
about my health. I really wanted to start a family so that was an incentive
to get well. Well I gained weight but the headstuff and habits remained.
We now have four children, and my eds remain. In those years I have largely
stayed around 94-98lbs, but after my mum died in nov 04 (having been
diagnosed with cancer only two months prior, right before my baby was born)
I got hooked again, and am now about 75lbs (this is up about a pound or so from when the following happened..
In early jan I went to hospital with some dull chest heaviness. All
bloods, ecgs, chest xray etc were fine, but it was a big scare and wake up
call
I stopped (well cut down from 12 times a week to 2 times) purging etc, and
made appts with various professionals
on the whold i am doing ok..eating more purging less trying to focus on health etc, getting back to God in my life, trying to be a better wife and mother etc BUT truly...
I am still terrified of gaining weight or being opened up to criticism for weight
gain..i guess the other extreme I am at is a safety net for me
I don’t know why I am trapped by this. I had a happy childhood etc, maybe I
was overly close to my mum so leaving home was hard at uni, marriage, and
her death might be a common thread? i know i really had a terrible day on friday crying and crying missing her so badly
Just hope I can get through this for me and my husb and beloved children! i want to, i just want to be happy to just BE and not care about weight etc!
i look forward to getting to know and supporting you wonderful people
Blessings
xxx

[susane1408]

Hi Tobefree; Welcome to Sr, things are usually pretty quiet here on the weekends but stick around and read up on the other posts. I'm sure some-one will be along soon who can relate to your history.
This is a good place for getting things off your chest and for support

[Nina Kay]

tobefree,
Welcome to SR. I can certainly relate to this statement:

i just want to be happy to just BE and not care about weight etc!

I am a compulsive overeater and have been since my early teens. I have endured a lot of looks and comments and I am very self-conscious because of my weight. I was always 5'4" and I only got down to 110 lb. Everyone thought that I was anorexic, but I wasn't. It's like you can't win for losing. People are going to say what they want to, no matter what your weight is, I've found. I think that the whole key to this is to be able to like and love our own selves, no matter what. Like it's been said, to feel comfortable in your own skin. I've tried many diets and thought of purging, but was too scared to, thank goodness, because I have an addictive personality and I know that I wouldn't have stopped if I would've ever started.
I know that there are others here who will come along to share things that you are going through. We are all here to share and to support and encourage one another, so I really hope that you'll keep coming back. You'll get alot of positive things from reading the other posts and reading the Stickys at the top of this page. I hope that you'll come back and let us get to know you better.

[13NRcrew]

Hi, tobefree, I'm new here too.

I'm 37 and I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are too old for this! My anorexia started when I was about 13 (I was already an alcoholic). I quit drinking 19 years ago, but this damn eating disorder... And of course I've been through many phases of purging up my alloted food.

I have never been overweight, but I once got up to 116 pounds (at 5' 3") once when I was pregnant (and discovered how "lovely" chewing/spitting could be). I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't handle the weight gain. I began restricting and purging again...and eventually lost my baby. I cried for a year. I have no idea if I can even get pregnant anymore, but as long as I have anorexia I'm never again going to try.

I too have had the chest pain scares, ER visits, IP stays and the lovely things that go along with having an ED. It's rather pathetic to say, I know, but I'm not scared by any of that anymore. Last year I got up the courage to get a bone density scan...I have osteopenia. I can't explain why I am more terrified of gaining weight than I am of breaking my damn back...but I am!

I don't like this eating disorder. I feel like such an imature, shallow woman sometimes, as if I should have outgrown this disorder at least in my early 20's. But of course self-pity isn't all that helpful.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you. I look forward to getting to know you better in the future.

[Nina Kay]

13NRcrew,
I wanted to welcome you to SR, also. Glad you found us. We all need to really stick together and support each other with these eating disorders for many obvious reasons. The main one being that we have to eat food and be around food every day as be strive to survive and be healthy. There is no quitting cold turkey, so it truly is a day to day battle that we have to learn to balance. When your an extremist like me, that is really asking alot. LOL !!!!!!!!!!

[Pony]

I would also like to welcome the both of you, tobefree and 13nrcrew, to SR and this Ed forum. Although you will see that there are many of us here suffering from different ends of the food issue spectrum, and many inbetween there as well, you will find that we all share a common frustration of being unhappy with where we are in our acceptance of ourselves and that we are all striving for the ability to achieve and maintain a healthy life style of food and exercise, and also our mind and soul.

Although I am a 41 yr. old compulsive overeater whose weight issues are definately on the other end of the specturm from you, I can identify with that feeling of being obsessive about my looks and weight, and mine are shame and disgust at what I look like in that mirror.....I just wonder why I can't seem to stop putting food into my mouth knowing that it is hurting me and it is not healthy being this weight, not to mention ugly. I have been teased all my life....and also other well meaning people always telling me what and how I should lose this weight and so on. I used to wish (and sometimes still do) that I could be more anorexic, then maybe I would finallylose the weight.....I was even jealous/enveous of those who coudl resist eating any kind of food.

But I know that neither way is healthy. A well balanced food plan and exercise routine will eventually get me to a healthy active weight/ life style.

Again welcome, stick around.....it will be a pleasure getting to know both of you.