I need to share

[sugarssweetpea]

I came back today & have done mostly reading, trying to catch up on how everyone is doing. I have posted a little bit on other threads, but feel that I need to share how I am feeling. Something I am not really good at & do not do that often, but I know that if I don't I cannot get the help that I need. It also feels better when I get it off of my chest so to speak. I am planning on starting over with my plan tomorrow. I have gained 5 lbs back from the 16 that I had lost. Could have & should have been worse by the way I have been eating again. It is only by the grace of God that it is not. I have not only been back full force on the sugar, but have been compulsively eating again. Finding or I should say, trying to find comfort in it. I am back to having the anxiety over stopping. I have tried so many times in the last couple of weeks & nothing works. I get to about noon, then it is over. I cannot seem to stop. Every time I think about stopping this time, I get thoughts of other things I used to do like smoking, drinking, cocaine or acid running through my head. Why would I be so afraid to be free from all addiction? I do not understand. It is very frustrating. I cannot stand who I have become. I cannot stand my mood swings all of the time. Some of that is hormonal I know due to the fact that in the last 3 years I had been either pregnant or breastfeeding, but I know that a lot of it has to do with my poor eating habits. My anger has gotten out of control. I scared myself yesterday. I lost it - completely lost it. Pray that my boys forget that kind of behavior. They were not hurt, but do not need to witness that kind of behavior. It seems like if i am not angry, i am crying. I have very few good moments. I believe it is because I am unhappy with myself. Have to change it. I am the only one who can. My relationship with my husband is terrible. We are really struggling. I have even thought of cutting again. I have never thought about doing that sober. It always came when I was under the influence of something. That is when my feelings of low self worth usually hit rock bottom. I don't know. Please pray for me. Sorry that this is so long. Maybe that is why I usually do not share. I never know when to shut up. ANyway, thank you in advance for all of your support & your prayers.

[Nina Kay]

Sugars,
I am so glad that you shared this with all of us. And it was not a very long post. I have alot of trouble sharing sometimes, but when I do I always feel so much better. Like something bad has been released and that I don't have to carry these burdens alone anymore. It is true that if we don't trust someone enough to share with them what is going on with us, then we can't expect to get the help that we need. I hope that you will keep coming here and sharing. I will definitely be praying for you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) )))))

[Pony]

Sweetpea, it is wonderful to see you here again. I'm glad you have come back here. Thanks so much for opening up and sharing with us. As Nina said, it can be a relief not to carry that inside us alone. Those scarey deep dark secrets we have seem to less burdensom when some light is shed on them and we bring them out into the open.

I know I still have lots of work to do in this area of my life also. so I really admire you for coming here and sharing with us. And it wasn't too long. Make it as long as you want to......gives me something read when I come here...