Too lazy to think of title

[Carchick4life]

I used to have an ED through sixth and seventh grade. Maybe in fifth to. I lost like…50 pounds or so. It was bad.. I don’t remember how I started eating again, just gradually, very slowly I forced myself to start again. Now almost four years later, I’m starting up with it again. My OCD has been insane lately—I’m not sure what sparked it exactly because it seemed to be getting a bit better, and now it’s worse then it’s ever been. I keep having obsessive thoughts about how fat I am, and every time I see myself in the mirror it’s like I hate it. I keep obsessing over fat content and calorie content and carbs. I’m counting everything. I’m pretty sure I’m going there again. I haven’t eaten at all today but I might eat later. I ate a ton of calories and stuff yesterday, so it’s pretty much alright if I don’t eat today. My mom told me that I need to get skinnier. I don’t’ want to lost 80 pounds or anything just like 20 or so then I’ll stop. I just want to know how I can stop, when I get there.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

I think the thing we all have to learn carchick, whether we're eating too much or too little, is that it's not what's in the mirror that we don't like. I've heard this said before, but only recently felt the reality of it in my own life when I remembered myself as a little girl. I would stare into the mirror and cry. Sometimes I had screaming fits "I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm ugly!" My mother's practical response was always "What's the matter with you? Nonsense." I can recall a few years ago seeing pictures of myself in college and wondering who that was. She was pretty. At the time I was agonizingly sure that I was completely repulsive. I still have to trick myself into having any confidence about my looks. But I now know that when I was looking in mirrors I was not seeing what was there, I was seeing how I felt. I believed if my outsides were different, that would fix me. Trouble was... my outsides WERE different. My perspective was totally skewed. I was just unhappy. Now the trick is, of course, that pinpointing the cause of our unhappiness is often a very hard thing to do, or something it's much harder to face. So we point at something easy, like our looks. But I would encourage you to start thinking about the other aspects of your life and try to come up with what it is you don't like. Job? Living arrangements? Associates? It isn't that hard for the average Josephine to get rid of the extra 20 pounds she just became aware of. It isn't hard at all for the average Josephine to stop when she fits into her jeans again. Because she sees what's really in the mirror.
We're a little different, and we need to look elsewhere.

Hugs!
Smoke

[pedagogue]

CarChick....I'm not sure if you saw my post over at ST, but I think you should check out these books.

I would suggest starting with the first one.

Over It: A Teen's Guide to Getting Beyond Obsession With Food and Weight
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...X0DER&v=glance

It's Not about Food
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846

Original Post at ST:

Post at ST

-pedagogue