Relapse

[Nina Kay]

Hello Everyone,
Yes, it's true. Tonight I relapsed. I binged BIGTIME !!! This would have been 10 days of abstinence, but I didn't make it. I have been feeling so ill & that has made me so depressed. I've been isolating, except for when I HAVE TO be somewhere. And I've felt too bad physically to get out anyway. Well, tonight I overdid the amount on my helpings at supper & then later, I got my H. to go to the store & get sweets. I ate alot, but I couldn't hold near as much as I used to. Then, of course, I was all swollen up & had an upset stomach. Then it was so late that I thought that I had to go to bed, but I was itching so badly & bloated to the point that I couldn't breathe well & I was wide awake thinking I can't go to sleep on all of this, so I got back up & started walking & drinking water & doing deep-breathing while I walk. I am still not sleepy at all & of course, I'm so hot & sweaty, even before the walking. That's what a sugar binge does to me. I just can't understand why I do this to my body. I'm a grown middle-aged woman that is supposed to know better by now. I'm in such bad health already & I do something like this so I can just go ahead & finish myself off with a heart attack or something. I've been praying alot too. I really need help from My Higher Power, God. Thanks everyone for listening. I've got to go & walk some more now. I just feel so miserable like this.

[wantneeda]

Hi Nina...i'm sending you positive energy, strength and courage my friend...wierd how i read your words just as i'm sticking a chocolate bar in my mouth!!!!
did i Need it?? no!!!! i wanted it!!! next question is why we feel we must beat our selves up..why we do the things we do so that we can beat ourselves up..because thats what we are used to. We learned this behavior. Its such hard work to change!!!!
We can start our day over anytime. Looks like thats our best option
I won't our the other glass of pop i was going to either!!!!
You're in my thoughts and prayers Nina!!!
luv you!! Wendy

[Pony]

{{{Nina}}} Wendy is right, it is what we have learned to do to ourselves and it takes alot of work and time to change those habits. We didn't arrive at this overnight, so it's going to take more than "overnight" to re-learn.....re-train ourselves for the heathlier path. Good news is that it is not impossible or ever too late to do it....to work on it. You are still here and alive and wanting change that's a step forward and chance to keep on. The other thing that you really need to give yourself creadit for is that you recognize the behavior and the pattern and the after effects, that is a huge part of being on that road to recovery. Your not living in denial and you came here and shared it with us......Thank you!

One day at a time....one hour at a time we can do this together. Next time you are feeling like you are going to "lose it" like that.....you could journal your thoughts and what you are feeling at that moment that is making you feel like you want to eat more or have that sweet stuff. Getting down to why or what is going on with us at that moment can help and taking the time to write it down can help deter us from going through with the binge.

Keeping you in my thoughts!

[Nina Kay]

Wendy & Pony,
Thank you both so much for your encouraging & supportive responses to my post. I still feel sick this morning, but last night I walked & drank water & couldn't go to sleep until 4:00 a.m. I then slept horribly until 10:00 a.m. this morning & got up & started walking & drinking water again.
Last night I learned that my alcoholic/addict son that was supposed to report to county jail for the weekend, due to skipping an aftercare meeting, did not go there because he said he was ill. After a few hours, it just came to me that what he had described as an anxiety attack, sounded like it could be a diabetic attack. He is 29 & has been in the hospital many, many times in the last 10 years. He has severely damaged his liver, kidneys, & pancreas which I know regulates your insulin. He has not yet been diagnosed with Diabetes, but I thought, I'm just so tired of all of this trauma. I've learned that I'm powerless over him & his addictions, but I'm so tired of all of his near death experiences, having to do with his health, caused by the addictions. So, I just decided that I just wanted to unwind & relax & throw everything to the wind. To heck with it all. This is how my H. & I have relaxed for years. We get lots of eats & goodies & watch movies. I just about killed myself. It is 2:00 p.m. here right now & I'm still feeling sick from what I ate last night & it wasn't near as much as it used to be. It's just unreal what I do to myself & I'll bet you can't guess where my son gets his extremist addictive personality, can ya ?!?!?! Ha Ha
I really love you both & thank you both for being here for me. {{{HUGS}}}

[wantneeda]

Just try to stay in the moment Nina, that's really all we can do. Your son must do for himself, i know you know this,,,and at times its just all to overwhelming, so we seek comfort..or just simply escape from it all..be it food, booze or drugs...
It's a new day Nina
even if we start it over at 2 pm...lets make a gratitiude list...
I'm so grateful for recovery and God
who carries me when i haven't the strength to do it myself
I'm grateful for SR!!!!
I'm grateful for the breathe that gives me life today
Sunshine and smiles...heartsmiles
I'm grateful for Choice today
I luv you too NIna!!!!!!!

[Nina Kay]

I'm grateful for having God's loving care.
I'm grateful for my Savior, His Son.
I'm grateful for SR & all of you here being my friends.
I'm grateful for my Daughter & 2 Grandkids.
I'm also grateful for sunshine, it's my favorite thing that God created.
I love how you said HEARTSMILES, Wendy.
I'm grateful for the food to sustain me, even though I have trouble not abusing it.
I'm grateful for the roof over my head & the clothes I've been given.
Thank you for starting me on a gratitude list. There are so many things & people that I am so grateful for, that the list could go on & on. It does start bringing forward the positive feelings & lightens our load to think of the positive & to write it down puts substance to our thoughts & feelings. Thanks again. {{{HUGS}}}

[wantneeda]

I'm grateful for the broken road that brought me here.
I'm grateful i didn't drink or drug today
I'm grateful for you Nina!!
I'm grateful for my 2 beautiful babies...pass the kleenex! they aren't babies anymore...
I'm grateful for my family members that are learning to have some faith in me today.
I'm grateful to have a little faith im myself today...now that's progress!!
I'm grateful for water, coffee and other non'alcoholic beverages
I'm grateful for AA and NA
I'm grateful for another chance to live!!!
I'm grateful i have a computer!!
i'm grateful to finally have a place to call my own after living on the streets for 4 years
Today i call it my happy place
yes it sure does make one feel better to think on the positive side of things for sure!!
oh one more...I'm grateful for my sore legs...must mean my walks are doing what i intended...groan
\\// Wendy (((Hugs back atcha!!!)))

[Nina Kay]

I'm grateful for being able to be HERE.
I'm also grateful for being able TO BE here.
I'm also grateful that Wendy didn't drink or drug today.
I'm grateful for you too, Wendy.
I'm also grateful that we have a grateful heart.
I'm grateful that doing this with you has made me giggle.
I'm also grateful for my 2 babies that aren't babies anymore either.
I'm grateful for each of their spouses, mostly because they love my grown babies too.
I'm gateful for my 2 beautiful grandbabies & I say this again because I can't say it enough.
I'm grateful that my son is still alive, even though he is still drinking & drugging.
I'm grateful for my H. for several reasons, even though our marriage has gone south.
I'm grateful for OA & for Al-anon.
It's so scarey to think that you lived on the streets for 4 yrs., Wendy, but it's so wonderful that you now have a place of your own & I think that it's so special for you to call it your happy place. I'm sorry that your legs are sore, but you're so right that it means the walks are working toward you being healthy. I am so glad that you have faith in yourself now because it shows that you are truly recovering from your addictions.
I am grateful that I stayed abstinent from compulsive overeating, yesterday & today.
I am grateful for being able to walk, as I was too weak today to walk much, but as slow as it was, I did walk.
I am grateful for the sunshine today, since we've been having storm warnings lately.
I am grateful for the rain that those storms produced though, because we really needed the rain here.
I'm grateful for my 4 dogs. They are each so sweet with their very different personalities.
I'm grateful for Pony, too, & hope that she adds her gratitude list here to ours.

[wantneeda]

how are you doing girls???

[Nina Kay]

I hate to say it, but I'm not doing well, at all. I woke up this morning with a viral flu or I guess that's what it was or is, because the symptoms I had were the same as a viral flu. Needless to say that has kept me from eating & exercising like I need to. I still feel pretty bad, but alot better than this morning, so I guess it is a 24 hr. bug. Thank you God.

[Pony]

Nina, sorry you are not feeling good. Hopefully tomorrow you will wake up feeling great


Hey ladies, I loved your gratitude lists......sorry I have slow to include mine in there. Here goes:


I am grateful for all my daughter's
I am grateful for my grandchildren
I am grateful for the health of my kids and g-kids
I am grateful for my friends
I am grateful for the support my friends and family give to me
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful for my job, I love my job
I am grateful for thehealth I do have the enables me to keep active and do my job
I am grateful that God looks out for me eventhou I fall sort of being what he wants me to be
I am grateful for the support I have found here at SR and from you ladies here
I am grateful that God created places with such beauty and wonder that I can go to and remember the He is awesome.

Well, I am a bit tired so that's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure there's more.

[wantneeda]

hugs to you Nina!!! sorry your're not feeling well!!
hope tomorrow is better for you.
nice gratitude list there Pony!!
Today i'm grateful to be alive!!
I'm tired now,,,just home from work...i will update more tomorrow.
Sweet dreams
\\//Wendy

[wantneeda]

Hiya Nina!!
I just read your reply on the self esteem builder thread. i learned in treatment to find myself a mantra for myself in the mirror
i say:
Wendy, you are beautiful
Wendy, You are precious
Wendy, you are worthwhile
I love you Wendy.
The first few times i did this I could hardly look myself in the eye...it does get easier everytime i do itthough.
How are you feeling today Nina??
I have 2 days off, Yippee!!!
Unfortunately..its raining...yet again...we've had such crappy weather for weeks now...its really getting depressing...no it is depressing!!
Just sitting here contemplating a meeting this morning...not sure yet...I alwasy have so much to do on my days off...sigh.
I have decided to give up my international cream...yes i'm addicted...i have about half a carton left...so i'm really savoring every sip of my coffee today.
I haven't been for my walks for a couple of days now...and beating myself up somewhat for it. Do i want to go in the rain??? not sure about that either.
So maybe today is another good day to think about gratitude...
I'm grateful that i'm getting my relationships back with my family, i really wish i could see my mom,my sister and brother and my neices in Calgary...it's been way to long..oops...gratitude..ok...I'm grateful for msn messenger and e-mail to keep in touch with them
I'm grateful for the rain.....

I'm grateful for sunshine, i just know it's behind all those clouds somewhere!!!
I'm grateful for not eating anything before bed last night
I'm grateful for buses
I'm grateful for my job
I'm grateful to finally have a sponsor
I'm grateful for music
I'm grateful for healing...one day at a time
I'm grateful for SR!!! and my friends
have a great day..full of heartsmiles
\\// & luv Wendy
I

[Nina Kay]

Hi Pony & Wendy,
Thanks for your good wishes. I'm doing alot better today, although I'm very weak & jittery. Jelly Legs~~~~~

Pony, I sure was glad to see that gratitude list. How many daughters & grandchildren do you have, if I may ask? I really thought that you were too young for grandchildren. You must have started early, being a grandma. It was great to hear that you love your job. Did you see that even Wendy is grateful for buses?!?!

Wendy, I sure do hope that you ar enjoying your days off. You'll have to tell us how much fun you've had. I'm glad to hear that you are getting your relationships back with your family members. You've mentioned this twice, so I know that it's a very important part of your recovery. I'm really happy for you. And don't beat yourself up about not walking in the rain, although if there's no lightening & it's not cold..............?

[Pony]

Nina, You can ask anything you want to...lol

I have 5 daughter's and 4 grandchildren....2 g-daughter's & 2 g-son's. Yes, I am too young to be a grandmother.....that is what I told my kids when they announced they were pregnant...lol

OK, I'll come clean......4 of my daughter's on techn. my step-daugher's, three of which I raised and one that was raised by her uncle, on her father's side and his wife. I divorced their dad and kept them and then came along my youngest who is 8 1/2 yrs. old. She was a surprise!

[Nina Kay]

5 Daughters !!!! Wow !!!!! I think that you are sssooooo Blessed !!!!!!
I only have 1 daughter & 1 son. My daughter has always been such a joy & emotional life-saver, just by being so wonderful & positive. To me that sounds like 5 times the joy. I only have 2 grandchildren because my beautiful daughter honored me with them, but says they aren't having anymore. And my new DIL does NOT like kids, so my son will never have any. I think that it might be for the best though, in several ways, even though it's so sad that my son, who LOVES children & has wanted one since he was 12 yrs. old, will never have any.
Congrats on the 8 &1/2 yr. old surprise. {{{{Hugs}}}}

[Pony]

Thanks, yes, my daughter's are all blessings...a bit of a challange sometimes, but nevertheless blessings.

That is too bad about your son....did he know she didn't want children when he married her?
It's good that you do have two grandchildren from your daughter.

[Nina Kay]

Before they got married, my DIL told my son that they would have a child in 5 yrs. By the time they were married 4 months, she had made him believe that she changed her mind because of her neice & nephew being so misbehaved. What she doesn't know is that her mother had told me she never wanted children, before she & my son started dating. Now she's saying 5 yrs. again, since I've made remarks about how much my son has always wanted & loved children, but I don't believe that will ever happen. But as I said, it really may be for the best. Just having two grandchildren, really gives me the opportunity to dote on them & I enjoy that so much.