Haven't talked in awhile.....

[Pony]

Well, it's been a while since I posted on how I was doing. All I can say is....

so...so....

My asthma is keeping me from truely getting in a good old fashion workout, and that is bothering me...alot! I do what I can but it just doesn't feel like enough, and really it isn't. I have been making some better choices on food. Well, I should say, that I have been able to buy better choices. More on the meat part and less pasta eating. Money is tight and I can only get what I can afford. Summer is going to be worse for me so I am trying to stock up on foods that I can stretch out through that time.

Been very busy with work so my schedule has been off as well, but it does keep me out of the kitchen.

It had been a struggle and I have felt hopeless and like throwing in the towel, but I get up each day and start again with whatever I have to take on for that day. If it's a good breathing day, then I get in more exercise, if it's not then I watch what I do and eat. My gym is back on membership freeze (like it should have been) till July, but then they are giving me two months free for their screw up in taking it off freeze to early. So that will be good. That will come right during my summer working when I really get physical work going all day.

Anyway, that is what I have been up to. Still hanging in.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Pony!

Keep sluggin' !!!!

You just hit on a point that a friend and I were discussing just a couple of days ago. Losing weight is so expensive!!! That is, healthy, vitamin rich foods cost so much more than the box-o-mac that actually fits our budgets. Maybe folks would be so kind as to share any low-cal low-budget tips they have??? I have one that has helped me a little.

Do the math and don't overestimate willpower. Because of my budgetary constraints, dieting has often meant just eating less of stuff that's bad for me. So while my body was starving for good stuff anyway, now it's just starving. Y'all know what that feels like. Fatigue. Fuzzy head. Desperate, desperate craving. And I cave in. Unfortunately, I usually cave in near a McDonalds, where it is possible to purchase more than half the calories I should consume in a whole day on maintenance for $2.12 . Drat that dollar menu! I know there's a salad on the dollar menu. Are you kidding? I can't eat that on the way to work. And of course, sometimes I cave near Wendy's, where I usually get a "value meal" because it saves me money (???????) and spend about 5 bucks. This is where the common sense comes in. If I had eaten a diet meal bar and a cup of no-fat yogurt, it would have been nutricious, filling and an appropriate amount of calories... and $1.47 after tax. The green salad I just had with soy-bacon bits and lite dressing cost about 75 cents. If I want to make a real meal of it, chicken strips that I grill myself add about a dollar fifty. So $2.25. Of course I could have had ramen noodles for 20 cents. But then I would have wound up crazed and eating cookies out of a vending machine. $1.00. No... $2.00 because one bag didn't make me feel any better. Oh and coffee, for the fatigue. $1.16.

If I'm starving, I'm going to eat. And I'm going to eat wherever I am when I just can't take it any more. Buying nutricious foods that I can eat at home or pack for lunch doesn't cost any more than a McDonalds meltdown and actually less than willpower disintegration in other locations. And actually, they stay with me longer and make me feel better. It's much easier to make myself spend another $20 at the grocery when I count up and realize that I spent more than that the week before on junk.

Who's got tips?

[Paulie]

You are so right Smokie!!! When you add it up you really aren't spending any less if you are doing that.

Yes I know fresh produce can cost more, but I have learned to really watch what I am buying regarding seasons. And where I buy what. As you know we have a C ostco here...way cheaper lettuce and veggies and eggs!!! so I don't buy them in the grocery store anymore and yes the quantity is bigger, but then we do eat mroe cause we don't want it to go bad....so 2 good things happen, we eat more good stuff and we save money.

I was just telling a friend at the gym this morning about how for the last month or so I have been eating the FF/SF ice cream,cookies, stuff like that and not really losing much weight (inches from exercise yes, but actual pounds no) not like I did when I was doing the first phase of the southbeach and eating only veggies and meats. Anyway, starting just yesterday I cut out that stuff, went back to veggies, meat, eggs and in just one day I feel better. That quickly. Even the FF/SF stuff is made with processed stuff and weighs my body down, I may not be gaining weight eating it rather than real ice cream...but it still is not healthy for my body.

For me, once in a while that stuff is okay for a treat...but I just can't eat it on a consistant basis...and for me...that is a good thing.

So now that I rambled on here. Pony, we gotta just keep doing what we are doing, we can't give up. Do what you can when you can. Do some of those pilate moves at home, then at least you are working the muscles. I dont' have asthma so I don't know what it feels like, it must be miserable.

If you have a Trader Joes near you...Pony you do, you can get some good healthy stuff there for cheap. They have whole wheat pita pockets for are really good, for less than 1.00, 4 or 5 in a pack. Way better than bread. Last week I got a spinach/chive pasta, made with whole wheat for like 1.89, cooked it, tossed it with just a little olive oil and parmissian cheese, it was yummy, and probalby cost less than 3.00 total.

Eating healthier for me requires more time shopping which I hate grocery shopping, but it is worth it to go to a few different places to get better stuff.

Give Trader Joes a try!! you will see. And their cereals are way cheaper too. Get a good whole grain fiber ceral, less than half what it is in the grocery store.

I am all about saving money on groceries and still eating good....gotta save those dollars for the new clothes when I get to my goal.

[Pony]

Thanks ladies. I see your point in the difference in spending, but I am not going to McD's or any other fast food place.....I can't afford it. I buy food and cook at home. I have been doing most of all my food shopping at all the nearest Dollar stores and whatever I see on store ads. I was doing much better when I had more of the meats in my diet intake, but those have been pretty high in price. But I did get some good buys on some chicken and small steaks this past week. I also have been eating lots of tuna, because I can get that at the dollar store. I am trying to cut the pasta servings in half. I am going to check out Trader Joes for that stuff you mentioned, Paulie. And yes, I have one....funny enough it is right next door to my gym!

I have also been eating earlier in the evening and not waiting late. Also that water.....getting lots more water, because it fills my tummy! lol

I have noticed a bit of a difference since these changes this week. Hopefully I am on to something until I can get money straightened out again. Who knows maybe when I am done I will be able to write a book on low budget weight loss.

Paulie, yes this had been a bad season for my asthma this year. And it is frustrating. I feel good and start a workout and end up coughing and coughing. Combined with the attitude around here.....I just feel..........like it is pointless. I know that it is my head just yapping at me, but still.........

I'm not giving up, I just hit lows and feel like no-one understands or if I say anything that I am just making excuses. I see it in writing in my journal and think that of myself, so why wouldn't anyone else feel that same way....is what goes through my mind.

Thanks all, sometimes it just helps to voice it and have someone listen. I do have a plan and still have my eye on it.

[Paulie]

Oh Pony my friend...I was not talking directly to you. I was talking to myself and just sharing.

I got a pain in my stomach when you said 'the attitude around here' . sorry but screw that attitude, you are getting healthy for you not for anyone else...okay maybe for that little one so you can live a long healthy life with her.

Journaling...that made me smile, isnt' it interesting what comes out when we put that pen to paper.

I love you my friend...keep going, we are on this journey together.

Trader Joes ... went there again yesterday, I am telling you their prices are great. You can cut up some of that chicken you got brown it, toss it with some veggies you like and fill one of those whole wheat pitas...yummy and cheap!!!

You can do this Pony, isnt' that what you always tell me? ((HUGE HUGS TO YOU))

[Pony]

Thanks Paulie, you guys here are what keeps me going. and, Yep my little one.

Want to know what she told me, while she was crying because he daddy doesn't like me (actually he used the word "hates") because I am fat......she said in her words--
"It doesn't matter what you look like mommy, what matters is what is inside.....I love you mommy".............It just brought tears to me, and I hugged her and told her thanks, that I love her too. (she is only 8) What an awesome kid......but she can be a little devil though!

I know that I am doing this for me and not "him".....it is just hard to ignore the attitude that goes on around here......it's a very small apt. But I try.....it just gets overwhelming at times that's all.

I will have to go hit T. Joe's the first of the month.....that idea with the chicken sounds great...I love pita bread.

[best]

As far as exercise and not having time or ability because of things such as asthma, you can do Isometrics. They can be done even as we sit at the computer. Just flexing the large muscles as we sit rather then just sitting will use up calories as well as add tone to the muscles.
Kegel exercises are always good also.

I have not been in here for a bit and it is because of shame and guilt I have put on myself. Just saying "one day of treating myself" as I didn't worry about what I ate has been a huge trigger causing a relapse to my old eating habits.

Some treat? Improper eating that causes improper health is not a treat.
OK back to basics and back to proper foods. Climbing back on the healthy food wagon again.

[Paulie]

Some treat? Improper eating that causes improper health is not a treat.

WOW, one little sentence that says so much to me.

OMG Pony...that brought tears to my eyes. Kids are so smart and they put no conditions on their love!

Keep talking Pony...we all need to hear you. And yes t Joes....that is the place to go

[Pony]

I must be a kid also, Paulie, because I have never put conditions on my love either. But when it comes to hurting me (inside) well I guess that love does fade.....or is it my loyalty. Ok now confused...lol It's funny I've heard and seen people, expecially in my family, put those conditions.....well if only they.....(fill in whatever fits) then I could love them more or would care what happens more. Now, I have been able to distance myself from certain unhealthy relationships, saying that I don't feel love for them, but in reality I still feel a certain amount of love and always care what happens. But because of some hurt or something that wall does go up and they aren't let in any further than I am willing to let them. Except my mom and dad and my kids, the only ones able to pull at my heart strings.

OK, I went off on a ramble didn't I...lol

Best, I do find myself doing that type of exercise through out my day. As I am driving the bus, especially on long trips, I work certain muscles.....OK the butt and thigh area..lol...and my arms get it all day long. You know how many right and left turns I make in a day in the bus and that big steering wheel. Close to two hours in the morning....right turn, left turn and about the same in the afternoon. I just dont' notice it as much any more because I am used to it, but I do work those arms.

I do want to learn more about those Isometrics though........I can use them with my pilates. Thanks all..hugs

[Paulie]

Oh I think adults put conditions on love...I know I do sometimes, I think we do it and we don't even know it. It is not so obvious as.....if you do this I will love you... no it is much more subtle than that. But kids, they don't know how yet that is why even when abused by a parent they still love that parent. That is why even though your little one hears her dad be a a$$ to you (sorry) she still loves him. Yes you love your children unconditionaly in a way that no matter what they do you will always love them, but we still have expectations and things like that.

okay now I rambled LOL.

this is good stuff Pony as you have said many times, it isn't the food it is what is inside of us that we need to talk about.

[Pony]

You are right about the being adult....I thought about that after I wrote the above... ..

And it's OK, you can ramble, it gives me something to respond to.

I did have more I was going to say in that post, but was making me some some brunch here and got very distracted away from my train of thought. Happens alot!

anyway, thanks for being here and listening and talking to me. It really helps. You really help, because I do find my inspiration to keep going and to open up. The last few weeks I have had some really strong urges and bad temptations cross my path, but I resisted and I am here today. Taking care of today. And I feel pretty good today actually. But lately the highs and lows have been striking me here and there with in the same day. I am contibuting it to hormorns and emotions....anyway, I can recognize it faster than before and get past it. So far! I refocused myself, got myself back in here more and thought of something I positive I could do. I guess that's why the thought's of improving what I do here. You know?

Best, while I am thinking about it again.....you said that you felt guilt, well so you are not alone I thought I would confess..lol...I was not good yesterday. I have been working on my habits about eating...the kind of food and time I eat. Anyway, I have been trying to not eat after about 7 pm (I go to bed very late) so there is time for it to get through the system before bed time. Well, yesterday I only had eaten a bagle for breakfast about 9 am and then some(probably only about 20) no salt corn chips w/salsa about 4 pm (after work)....took my daughter swimming, got back and my g-daughter was here for me to babysit until 10 pm and I never got dinner. After she left I thought well, I'd better just go to bed without eating because it was too late. Well, I couldn't sleep...so about mid. I made a sandwich and ate it. I felt guilty but I fell alseep! Well, anyway thought I would share that.

[Paulie]

Strong urges and bad temptations...hmmm that is not good, but what is good is that you did not act on them and that you are talking about them (did you journal about them?, don't throw the journal at me you know I had to ask . ) It is prograss for us all Pony, just one day at a time.

We are all doing this together. I admire how you stick with it living in such an unsupportive environment. I know hard it is for me when my H is eating what he wants (which he is doing low carb now too) add in the putting me down part (which thank god he doesnt' do) and that would be so hard.

Continue to tell yourself that it is his problem now yours...it is all about health my friend, we want to be healthy.

Talk about those urges and temptations...we are listening.

[Pony]

I won't throw the journal at you.....promise..lol

I didn't really touch on the temptations and such, mostly have been dealing with my food issues and woes about how I was feeling about not being able to do the owrkouts that I am used to doing and stuff. But I feel that just addressing some of that there and here, has helped me over this bout of urges to just throw it all in and give in.

Temptations.....well, it's alot to fit in here all at once, in words anyways. But I will try. I guess the short verson is that I was feeling like I just didn't want to feel all this stuff and escape was looking pretty good. But my HP, was and is looking out for me because what could have been oportunities to go out and do just that didn't work out. And that wsa definately for the best. But eventhou I know that, it just looked so much better at the time. Does that make sense? I guess I am still trading one addiction for another....at least in my mind. I have lots of work to do, but I am working on it. I know in the past that I wouldn't have even thought about it, I would have done it, but now I recognize those flags and try to redirect myself fast! I haven't given in since last summer and have no plans on doing so, but that's why I need you all and the really special friends I have at work. And my one girlfriend that is more like my sister that listens to me daily. She is learning more and more about 12-steps and recovery programs just from listening to me..lol, she has actually applied some of that in her own life in dealing with her bf who does drink and just quit smoking (for health reasons). Hitting some online meeting and just listening has been pretty cool. I usually can only get those in the middle of the night, because "he" is using the puter, and then I can't really talk to much because of the noise of the keyboard, but just reading has helped some....then I can come here and talk. But those have been mostly OA type meetings and dealing with food issues not so much drinking. But then I go and read on the AA and NA forums here and it helps.

OK...I rambling...lol

[Pony]

OH and today I bought a new book ... "The Power of Being Positive" by Judith ......somebody....I can't remember the last name and it is in the other room.lol Anyway, it's got some good reading and passages from the Bible. I keep on.

[Paulie]

That book sounds great Pony, let me know.

but now I recognize those flags and try to redirect myself fast!

that is huge right there.

How is the singing coming along. Haven't heard about any performances lately?

[Pony]

HHmmm, our singing....well, we've been on sort of a break, but we are supposed to have a show coming up this summer. We were supposed to be getting together to practice, but it hasn't happened yet. I wish we would, I really love it!

[Paulie]

I know you love it. Hope you get together again soon.