12-step mental block

[Changeling]

Greetings, all.

I'm gearing myself up to go to my first OA meeting. I have known for years that I am a compulsive overeater, but am only just ready to start taking steps (even if they are baby steps at first).

I have an odd mental block against 12-step programs, a mental block about which I would like your feedback. I have been puzzling over it for weeks, trying to define my unease, and it only just hit me tonight: the so-called "victim mentality" is what I don't want.

I knew a young woman once who had dated an abusive alcoholic and who came from an alcohol-affected family. She seemed to me to be addicted to Al-Anon, the group for friends and family of alcoholics. She LOVED talking about her problems, about how she had been affected by all of her experiences, and how much she needed the group. The part that made it kind of sickening is that she milked it for sympathy. She played the "poor, poor me" thing to death. I mean, it made me angry that she was using to her petty advantage something that saves so many, but it also made me worry how much of that type of person is out there.

I guess I don't want to be defined by my disease, I don't want to be pitied, I want to maintain pride, and I am worried about running into more of that person's clones. I am afraid of running into the sickening insincerity of people who use a 12-step program to feel special and to self-rightious, and worse yet, I am afraid that I will become her. I am sure she and others like her are the vast minority, but that doesn't erase the stigma.

I have recently read accounts of people receiving the support they need from OA, and I truly can't imagine experiencing it. I know I need it, but I'm afraid I'll go to my first meeting and have a bad experience.

So, thoughts?

C

[Pony]

Thoughts.......Hhhmmmm, well first....

I would like to welcome you to this forum. Taking steps toward your recovery is a good thing. Recognizing and acting on a plan to deal with your food/eating issues is definately a huge step in the right direction. Taking action and doing the work it takes for recovery is important. Many really just don't do that work, they just like to talk about it and that's usually where it ends.

Now about 12-Step......these programs are helpful in getting and giving support....using the tools for working on those issues that have come to make your life/eating unmanageable, getting a sponsor to help you through the Steps and support on those issues. The rest of the work, how much you put into it, is up to you.

There are those that go to meetings but do nothing in the way of action outside the meetings in order to grow and progress their lives toward managability. They do continue to wallow in their own self-pity and just aren't ready to move on. But you can get that anywhere and in any program and in any job that had a person that just isn't ready to deal with or take on the responsibility for themselves and their lives. Does that makes sense?

Then there are those that work hard on their issues, listen and do what their sponsor tells them to do, and shares their experinces (because it's through sharing our experiences that we help others and gain help and support with our own) that find recovery alot faster than others. It's an individual program yet done with a group setting.

I'm not sure if Ihave helped you in any way here, I guess all I am trying to say is that you will run into those kind of people anywhere you go and in anything you do. they are out there, but there is also other people that are there who you may find to be just what you needed. You won't know unless you try it. And I don't mean just one meeting. I mean a good few meetings and maybe different ones in different towns. If you know that you need the help the it won't hurt to try.

Please let us know how you first meeting went. OK

[Nina Kay]

Hi C,
My own opinion of 12-step programs from my experience is that they are what you do with them. They are based on the positive. We say that changed attitudes can aid recovery. It is a recovery program in whatever area that you need recovery. It is learning how to take care of yourself & realizing how important it is to take care of yourself. You are there to learn the opposite of the "victim mentality" that we originally go in to the meetings with. Actually in the meetings that I've been to, We talk about how we are recovering & growing stronger & using our tools that we learn to grow & improve ourselves In dealing with any situation we are in or have been through. The girl you met, sounds like she just went to these meetings for sympathy & never has worked her own personal recovery program using the twelve steps. We talk about our victories & support one another in our bad times & good times. But the thing that we don't want to do is, to stay IN the problem, whether it be mentally emotionally, spiritually, or physically. You meet others who are going through or have gone through what you have & we support & encourage one another to grow towards having a healthy, positive & full life regardless of what others are doing around you, through honestly learning about yourself so that you can change attitudes that hinder your growth & well-being to attitudes that benefit your personal growth & well-being. I don't know if this will help you at all or not. I do suggest that you go to the OA Meeting & see for yourself. I think that you'll be really glad that you did.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Changeling.

Just here to empathize. My first experience with a live 12 step group was your fear come true. A whole roomful of noble suffering saints. I ran as fast as I could go. Those women were nuts and doing their best to keep each other that way. But it was that one group, not the program. Before then and since then, I've met tons of steppers who are down to earth and working carefully and logically to make their lives better. Your eyes are open. You don't have to stay if you don't like what you see. I know how easy it is to have your opinion colored negatively when you run into a person, or clique, that is the exception. But do try it. Chances are you'll find it's a good group, because most are.

Hugs!
Smoke