PROFILE OF A PROFESSIONAL CARETAKER Part III

[Pony]

Here is another characteristic:
By: Thomas Wright


3. Caretakers are always subject to depression as a result of their stroke deprivation. This stroke deprivation results largely from caretaker's unwillingness to receive compliments or care from anyone else. They are afraid to accept care from others for fear it would jeopardize their role in life.

**************************************************

I am so glad you all are enjoying these. I found this paper in with other information dealing with disfunctional behaviors and co-dependancy, etc.... and thought I would share it with everyone.
There's will be more to come so stay tuned.


Pony

[Ann]

This is excellent Pony. Thank you so much for taking the time to share it with us.

I have a really hard time receiving compliments or care from anyone else. If anyone wants to jump in and explain how this could jeopardize my role in life I would appreciate the insight. I'm not quite understanding that.

Hugs and thank you Pony.

MG

[Pony]

Well,MG I'm not sure myself as I am also trying to still figure out things, but I do have an opinion so I'll share that. lol

My thoughts:

Everyone in the family has their roles. Now this is going back to growing up, because our behaviors don't just start as adults. In the family there's always the one that seems to look after everyone else's needs without ever truely taking care of their own. Always seeing to the other's comfort; making sure that life is running smoothly with in the home or family unit. Usually forgetting that they have some needs of their own, but feeling that the other's are of more importance in return gives the person an important role within that family unit, "the caretaker". In it's meaning-- the one to take care of everything. If that person didn't do so and allowed the other's to actually take care of their own problems and workout their own place in life, then what place would the caretaker have then? what would make him/her important to other's then? What value would they have? Someone who is so deep into this behavior would now believe that they have absolutely no value to their family or life, essentially "out of a job" as it were.
Caretakers have put their whole idea of self-worth into this position/role in life, mostly because they feel that they have no other improtance and to take that away would be traumatic. Because they are the ones to take care of things, it has to be done by them and no one else if for themselves.

People with very low self-esteem have a tremendously hard time accepting compliments. I can only speak for myself in that most of the time I feel that the person who is giving the compliment is just trying to be nice/polite. I have a hard time feeling that it is a genuin truth from that person especially if it's someone I don't know very well. I feel like how do they know anything about me so why would they say that------" just to be nice" is my feeling.

As you can see that is my biggest problem that I battle with.

**************************************************

You all have a really great weekend!!

Pony

[JT]

BINGO!

I am always suprised when I get respect...like Sally Field "You like me...you REALLY like me"

I do not allow myself to be cared for...I sometimes turn to Ward...but even then I feel some guilt for asking. I feel like I have to do the "Thank you, Thank you Thank you" dance when one thank you would do.

And I am ripe for falling into depression.

Don't get me wrong....I have come a long way over the years but those are still my deepest responses.

Thanks,

JT

[Paulie]

WOW -

I feel like I am reading about myself here. When I receive a compliment I think the opposite of what is being said must be true. If someone says 'oh you look nice today' I think that I really look extra bad and they are just trying to make me feel better. It has to be bad because why would someone say something nice.

I was not the caretake in my family, my oldest sister was. But the last yeasrs (since I have been sober) she has worked hard to break those habits and focus on dealing with her cancer. I have jumped in and taken over her role. I did not know this 6 monoths ago, but I know it now.

[Ann]

Yup - Me Too

LOL - Pauline, when people say "Gee you look nice today" I immediately think that maybe I did not look so nice yesterday or the day before. Or "I love your new haircut"...means my old style was awful. I see any compliment as an indication that this is unusual for me to look nice, or have good hair. Wow - bummer.

I wear glasses and pay quite a bit to try to remain somewhat stylish since this is an accessory I must wear every day. And when people say "I'll bet you would look great in contacts" or "have you thought about eye laser treatment?" I feel I must be ugly in my glasses.

Even compliments like "You always look so nice" or "You are in great shape" or "I love your red hair"...make me feel like they must be mistaking me for someone else.

Pony...you have started something here. I have learned to love my inner self, but I really better do some work on feeling good about my outer self too.

Thank you Pony,

I think that anything that causes the attention to be on me is very uncomfortable. I think that is why a compliment almost hurts. I think the thing I need to figure out is why I hide from attention.

I have learned to say thank you though and leave it at that. My reaction to a compliment is just like Anns. It must be that I looked horrible before or the compliment is some form of a hidden attack.

And the journey continues..........

Hugs,

MG

[Pony]

I am so glad you all are talking about this stuff. That's what I was hoping for. You see, I too, have big issues with self-esteem. It's very hard for me to accept compliments. It just seems that they are very rarely sincere. Or at least that's the way I feel. I have had guys compliment me only to find out that it was a game being played. Then of course the other people that are only trying to be nice to not hurt my feelings, only to hear their true thoughts later (accidently of course). So anything that might be a real thought coming my way I am very sceptical about.

Well, I am trying to work on all that and realize that what they have to say just can't hold the same importance as what I think. Unfortunately I don't tell myself enough good stuff.

A job in progress!!

Pony

[shrecky]

I used to (and still do sometimes) get really embarrassed when I get a compliment. I used to tell people "No I look like s@#$ today" until a friend told me it is kind of insulting to the other person to shoot down their opinion like that. It was hard at first just to say "thank you", now it's automatically what I say. Now if I could only believe them! Shreks

[shrecky]

Kid pony there's a really good book called "The four agreements" that would help you with that. It's in the book club thread. One of the agreements is "don't make assumptions" also "don't take anything personally" I think you would like it! It's a really cute helpful book. Shreks

[Juls]

I've only been in the new apartment for a week, and I was asked out already, by a 22 year old young man. I'm 47. While I'm not in the market to be dating, and definitely not someone young enough to be my son, I thought he must be out of his mind asking me out. I told him how old I was, and he was very surprised. He told me I looked very good, and in great shape. I thought he must need glasses. LOL

Juls

[KISS]

It is PAINFUL for me to accept compliments! I became aware of that a while ago. Can't remember exactly when.

My first response to a compliment is to downplay whatever I am getting the compliment for. Now I stop myself, take a breath, and say 'Thank you.' What a concept.

I also have problems accpting help. I have to actually say to myself 'It is ok for someone to do something for me.'

I remember reading a story about a women who was a construction worker. Being the only woman, all of the men would offer to help her. She used to say no thank you to prove she could do it herself. One day she stopped doing that because if the men wanted to strain themselves to make themselves feel better then let them. Why did she have to prove something to them? Reading this I thought why do I always have to prove something to people? I don't have to do everything myself. It does not make me weak to accept help. It should not hurt my sense of worth.

I had turned into my mother. Dear Lord. Now I tell her stop killing herself and accept help. The poor women runs herself into exhaustion trying to take care of everything. It IS her self worth and way of coping with life.

KISS

[faithinbrian]

HI everyone,
I can relate to so many of your post,alot of times when people give me compliments I would turn around jokingly and look for the person that they must REALLY be talking to. I have always had trouble with self esteem, I am told I am an attractive woman ,but i rarely believe what they say, I think that is why I turned into a caretaker , because I thought if I did all these nice things for people and was nice, I would feel better about myself, and alot of times I did, but when people werent there for me to do the things for me when I needed them I felt used, even though alot of times I wasnt even asked for the help I gave. MY self esteem really went south through my 3 marriages, especially, when I would do anything and everything to make things work and nothing worked and I always thought I just must not be worthy of being happy. If these men really loved me like they said then why were they always leaving and doing mean and hurtful things. it has been a long and rocky road and alot of times I have to be reminded, it wasnt me all along, it was them. Since my last divorce and being reunited with a past love and then him going to prison, my weight and self esteem were hard hit, but I am crawling out and keep looking for that open door or the open window whenever I can. The last 3 weeks I have attempted to attend church and it never fails something seems to always be in my way, lack of gas money and this week bad sinus, tension headaches, they have seem to have returned ICK, but I think as long as I get here to the boards and work my steps and read the bible I will survive.

[Paulie]

but I think as long as I get here to the boards and work my steps and read the bible I will survive.

Absolutely!!!

[QTpie]

OH I think your all talking about me too. When ever I might get a compliment all I think of is "They know that I really tryed to look good today so they are telling me this for my effort" Now maybe I would look ok if this was different and that was better ect..... It is funny how I alway thought I was alone in thinking like this and there was a whole community of people that are there and ready to help. THIS IS SO COOL!! I love being a part of it