Thanks...

[Devi]

Thank you for your welcoming replies to my email. I went to the OA meeting on Friday and felt I was in the right place with a good group of people. However, I have been compulsively eating since. My compulsion is in the form of grazing. Just one thing after another till my stomach feels overly full or, often, not very well. I've gotten much worse in the past 6 months when I had an injury to my foot which took away many exercise options. I just re-joined Curves and my feet are allowing me to do some low impact exercise. I do love Curves. I know how long it will take and I don't have to think about what to do next.

I am in need of a few lifestyle changes. I hope that the support of others going through this can help me change. My work is quite diverse and extremely busy. I love what I do but it is primarily inactive. My eating habits of the past few years and non exercise "habit" have made it's toll. I gained almost 20 pounds in the past year.

I would love to gain the desire to care for my body again. To actually care about it. I feel stuck and without willpower. I have been in recovery for 17 years. I was doing pretty well until about 5 years ago when some circumstances at work were quite traumatic which hit my core. I lost something going through all that. It's not like me to be this unconscious but something is "up" and I just haven't gotten it yet. Since the trauma I have done therapy with an excellent woman and I've done some good work around the issues brought up. But, like I said, something is missing and my hunger is trying to tell me something.

Thank you for your prayers. I hope to touch bases here and be honest with what is really going on. Maybe it will help me raise my awareness. I need to like myself again.

Blessings,
Devi

[bikewench]

Hey Devi...

Recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic here.

I feel stuck and without willpower. I have been in recovery for 17 years. I was doing pretty well until about 5 years ago when some circumstances at work were quite traumatic which hit my core. I lost something going through all that. It's not like me to be this unconscious but something is "up" and I just haven't gotten it yet

Sounds like your recycling in your codependancy to me...

All addiction and personal dysfunction has the root disease of codependancy. I found it immensly helpful to understand the workings of that in my life and how it manifested in my eating disorders. Melodie Beattie's books about codependancy are terrific.

My suggestions to getting out of the rut... I would suggest you pick one daily thing around self care that you know you can achieve and that you are willing to take the action around. When you have that in your routine... add another caring behavior.

When I am in my disease... the things that are missing in me are self love and my connection to my higher power.

[Devi]

Hi Bikewench,

It's been years but I did discover Melody's books when I started recovery and she was a major influence. I will look them up again- very good idea. Also, I'll try to do the one good thing for myself a day- that's also a good idea. I can build on one positive at a time and climb out of this hole. I can see from the framework of codependency that when I went through the trauma I did 5 years ago I think I unconsciously started believing that if I was truly myself I'd get pounded again. I'm afraid to be me. Amazing how we can be OK for a long time and then slip back into some old unconscious behavior. I feel like I'm starting over. Oh well. Just trying to go deeper I guess. I'm going to start noting when I'm feeling I shouldn't be me and gain more awareness around this.

Blessings,
Devi

[Pony]

Devi, congrats on going to your first meeting. Glad you felt in the right place. Keep right on going back....dealing with your food issues with their support will help. You will get a handle on things as long as you work the program.

Keep letting us know how you are doing. It's good to share all experiences here.

Hugs

[bikewench]

Devi...

Amazing how we can be OK for a long time and then slip back into some old unconscious behavior. I feel like I'm starting over. Oh well. Just trying to go deeper I guess. I'm going to start noting when I'm feeling I shouldn't be me and gain more awareness around this.

Exactly.

I just went through the same thing. And it wasn't trauma that tripped me into old behavior... it was "love".

Well... it was toxic love on my part... ;o).. to be honest.

The thing is though... it shot me right back to pre-recovery behavior and thinking. I would never have believed my mind would/could betray me like that.... but... it's the old pleasure principle for me... if it feels good... I want it... lots.

Like MB's books say... the first step out of codependancy is to start making ourselves our priority. Take care of ourselves... first. Consider ourselves.... first.

Self care...
Something as simple as making sure I drink water in a day... or brushing my teeth... or taking my vitamins... or going for a regular walk...

Anything that adds to me...

I have to watch my self talk as well... and where feelings materialize.

I definately had to relearn not be be afraid of my emotions... cause that's when I use.

Anyway... keep posting... draw strength from here... let us know how your making out...

Blessings on you Devi...

[Pony]

Ditto Bikewench, I am the same way with the self-care stuff and having to watch that self- talk as well. I try to do something positive each day to move me forward or at least keep me from slipping back!

[Devi]

Really good feedback. I feel like I'm beginning to breath again. I had a breakthrough yesterday of not eating non stop and I actually felt something in my heart. I haven't "felt" in 2 months. I see I now must be in the moment with whenever I feel I should not be me. That's when I go unconscious. No wonder I've wanted to just go to sleep at the office with all these repressed feelings. This site is a good thing to do. It has helped me raise my awareness. Whew.

Blessings,
Devi

[bikewench]

I haven't "felt" in 2 months. I see I now must be in the moment with whenever I feel I should not be me. That's when I go unconscious.

Great realizations there Devi....

That's how we reclaim our lives.... one realization at a time...

Food is such a good medicator... cause it's everywhere... and it's legal... and most don't regard overeating as addictive behavior... so...

I'm so glad you had a lucid moment to anchor you .. and give you hope.

Keep coming back..