back.

[innamorata]

I can't believe I am here again. Not here, like this site, but here, like fat and binging again. I have been so down, that food seems to be the only thing comforting me.

But now my shoes are making blisters, and my pants don't fit, and I feel like total crap. I want to die but I don't want to die fat and ugly. I'd rather die skinny and ugly.

I am sorry, I am having a terrible day. I know that food is my replacement for many things. It is my drug. And it is going to kill me as sure as any drug would.

Counseling and therapists are not options for me. I don't know what to do, but the pain inside is transferring to an ugly outside. I feel as ugly as I look.

I hope this is making some kind of sense.

[Pony]

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Paulie]

I too am sorry that you are in such pain.

I have a question. If counseling or a therapist are not options for you, then what is? what are some of the options out there.

There is OA.
There is making a food plan for daily meals.
There is making a schedule for daily exercise.
There is sharing here about what going on.
There is journaling to help let go of some of the feelings you have.

There are lots of options, we all have them. That does not mean that we all use them (me included) but they are out there for us if we are willing.

So how about it, what can you do today to make a change. Just for today, dont' think about the rest of your life, heck don't even think about tomorrow. Just stay in today. What one thing can you do today to make a change?

[innamorata]

Thank you, Paulie and Pony.

I just can't believe that I am stuck back here in this hell of a body again. No, counseling and therapy are not things I can do at the moment. Long story, but trust me, it can't be done right now.

What can I do to make a change today? I don't know. Eat less, I suppose. Exercise, eat correctly, don't overeat. But knowing is one thing and doing another.

I was going to the YMCA every morning and working out. That plan got shoved to the wayside. I want to go, but the hassle is just not worth it some days. My situation at the moment is less than ideal but one I am stuck in.

It occurred to me as I lay in bed last night that I am slowly committing suicide. I don't have the guts to pull the trigger but I am eating myself to death. I want to die but I don't want to do it myself. Now THAT'S pathetic.



I feel like a freak and a failure.

[Paulie]

No it is not pathetic at all. It is real and so many people feel the same as you do.

So today, take it slow, pick just one thing. You can exercise even if you can't go to the Y. Get a notebook and write down what you eat today, it helps me to be accountable for it. The first thing that has to change is how we feel about ourselves, the internal voice that is telling you that you are a freak and a failure is WRONG.

But, the change has to come from you, are you willing? I know how difficult it is to be wiling to change, trust me on that.

[innamorata]

I want to. Or do I? As I sit here and think about changing anything, I want to get up and binge...it makes me nervous. I've failed so many times, and as I get older it is harder and harder to lose weight. I'm in my mid-30's.

And diabetes runs in my family. That scares me. I already have problems with circulation in my feet. I'm just scared to even try.

I know these are all excuses and copouts. Scared of what? Of not eating? What is that about? I know I am scared of failing. I'm such a perfectionist, that if I think I will fail I won't even start. And I think for sure that I will fail at losing weight yet again. I can't handle failing myself, and I can't handle what my friends and family will say if they know I am trying again and I fail again.

Am I willing to change? I don't know. That's as honest as I can get.

As I read this post I realize just how truly pathetic I sound.

[Paulie]

You are not pathetic....I have said all those same things to myself and I am sure as hell not pathetic. LOL

Give yourself a break. I understand how hard it is the older we get, I turned 40 this year. I have lost 40 lbs in the 17 months....17 months, that is a long time. It is NOT easy. I have 25-30 more to go and that scares the hell out of me. I know people that have lost almost as much as me in a much shorter time that 17 months, my head wants to tell me that I am pathetic, if they can do it why can't I. If they can do the low carb thing and drop weight in a few months why can't I. Well it didn't work for me so I tried something else. does that make them right and me wrong, NO. It doesn't. I am not wrong because I have not given up on myself.

And you can't give up on yourself either. Scary, yeah it is scary. But don't think in terms of forever. It like drugs with me. I still today try and not tell myself I will never use again, that scares me. Just take it a day at a time.

Just for today, try and stay in the solution, not the problem. Practice makes better.

[innamorata]

Thank you for trying. I know what you're saying. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. It's how I am.

I too tried low-carb, and couldn't stand it. Plus, it made me feel funny, kind of weak and weird, so I decided it was not for me. A few years ago, I lost weight simply by not overeating, stopping eating when I was satisfied and not stuffed, doing practical things like putting my fork down between bites and cutting my normal portions in half, things like that. I lost 50#. I still had about 50 to go, but I was on my way. Then stress hit...

I just....

I'm so depressed. About food, about weight, about many things in my life. I don't even know if the will is there to try again. I'm torn between trying again and just eating to die.

Do you understand what I mean?

But I can't help it, I liked this emoticon. :amsmiling

[Paulie]

It is not how you are, that is how you are telling yourself you are....there is a difference.

I can sit her and type to you till my fingers fall off but you have to be willing to make a change.

It is a choice, once you become aware of it, it becomes a choice you make. You are aware...you are making a choice to not change.

That is truly what I believe. I have to make the choice each new day, sometimes several times a day. some days I don't make the choice, but the next day I do. I am an addict in all areas of my life.

Make the choice today to make just one change....to stay in the solution, not the problem.

[innamorata]

Thanks...I understand, I really do. I've got to make changes. I've got to decide. I know that. It's just very, very hard.