What makes us want to......

[Pony]

........self-destruct!!!


I hestiated on posting this because it sounds so....I don't know self-pityish (is that a word...lol) but, even with all the support and plans and goals...I still get so down on "me", especially after looking at pictures of myself...which I was just doing...and feeling very hopless. I can't stand to look at me how can I expect others to want to. I know it sounds vain, but very human I afraid.

I make my food choices and try to stay consistant with my excerise program. I make sure I keep myself up...you know (shower, hair, and clothes) and I try positive self-talk....and then.....I look in the mirror or at some stupid picture that has been taken recently and just get a sick feeling in my stomach. It's like I don't get into pictures because of this reason....but these were taken without me knowing it at my daughter's soccer game...oh yeah, and one I did know about....one of the whole team and since I'm the "team mom" O had to be in the team picture. I am the coaches as also in it, who are also a bit over weight, but I am the biggest one.

I know I have gotten somewhere, because I am fitting into smaller sizes than last year at this time, but I just don't see it on me. What is wrong with me? When I feel this way, I just want to do whatever reguardless the consequences......but that's why I am here sharing this instead of opening the frig. I have great support people....you all have been great. I just still feel that I am just not good enough and not going to ever get there......to where I can look in the mirror and say....hhmmm, your OK. Am I making any sense?

Well, I just had to vent before I went to work so as not to bring it there. I know it's attitude. Working on it!!!

Thanks for listening.

[Paulie]

Pony, I was just in the bathroom doing my hair before heading off to pick up my step kids and my pants feel tight an I was thinking the same exact thing you just posted.

I don't know the answer, but I know it has to come from within us, acceptance for who we are on the inside then we are able to accept we we are on the outside.

I have been trying to remind myself lately that it took me two years to put on the 60+ pounds, it will take me longer than that to take it off. Does that make sense.

All I know is it is a process that I have to work on everyday.

I have to head out now up the mountain, I hope you are having a good afternoon.

[Pony]

Thanks Paulie....I was feeling a bit uneasy about that post...but to know that you were thinking the same thing.....well, maybe it meant for me to post it, if nothing else but to validate both of us that we are OK, and that we are not alone in this struggle. It is an everyday process that needs work. And when I start thinking that I just have so far to go....I mean lets face it...I have well over 100 lbs to get off, I just get overwhelmed and thinking that I may never make it down where it's acceptable weight and appearance. I know appearance isn't everything and what counts is on the inside.

I am just still a work in progress...!!!! Self-image takes a beating around me....but I do have better days than others....LOL

[Paulie]

We all have better days than others my friend, and actually that is encouraging in a warped kind of way .

Friends, we get through the bad times with our friends and our loved ones.

I have met you Pony, your smile can light up a room. You are a wonderful kind caring person. I know that appearences mean alot in the world, believe me I know that. I have experienced that alot lately, not just with still have some weight to lose, but with my age.

Don't give up Pony, and don't let others low opinions of themselves take you down.

[KelKel]

(((Pony & Paulie)))
I avoid looking at photos of myself like they are the plague.
I try very hard to accept the extra 10-15 lbs I have put on in the past 2 yrs.
But on some deep level I am thinking that I need to loose it and that I look like a cow.
Our culture certainly does nothing to to help a womans image of self.
Anorexic actresses are in vogue... but I do believe times are changing,
I see more and more actresses with nice curves and natural healthy shapes.
Trying to not get caught up in unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of our world is a very hard thing to do.

[Pony]

{{{Paulie}}} You just made me smile! And lady, your pretty shining yourself. Yep, our age is creeping up on us and that is what scares me some.....mostly because I am afraid that I won't spring back into shape as I need to.....elasticity of the skin .. you know? anyway, I know that there are things to help that, but actually losing the inches gets harder with age as well, but well, guess I just have to work harder.

OH, I'm rambling here...lol....anyway, I think I just need to not look at any pictures for a while....lol...and just keeping working at it.

Thanks for the support you guys.