Newbie

[Miss Maggie]

Here is my introduction: I'm Maggie, I'm 35 and a stay at home mom. I'm 215 lbs now at 5 ft 4. I was anorexic and bulimic as a teen, partly due to hepatitis, partly due to eating disorder. After I had babies I discovered I had a condition known as Poly Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome, which makes my body gain weight and makes it difficult to lose weight. It is a hormonal thing. We have a joke at home that my endocrine is broken because Endocrinologists are the doctors who treat it.

I went to Al-Anon for several years in my 20's to get over some stuff about my biological father. It was very productive and helpful for me. It was like getting a head-start on life.

So anyway, I've been dieting for the past 8 years (since baby 2 was born) and have steadily gained wieght. I hit bottom a few days ago. I have been keeping a diet journal on my message board (which I just gave away, it was too much work) and after keeping track of my intake and everything for a few weeks, I realized that I was out of control and that my life had become unmanageable. I have a series of low-cost cooking websites based from hillbillyhousewife.com & smart-cents.com and I was so angry that I considered deleteing them along with the message baord because I realized how far I had fallen. I wanted to purge myself of something so I would feel in control of myself and it was a destructive purge, not a productive one.

So I gave away the message baord, because it was too much work. And I went to the library and got the brown book about OA (1980) and did some online research and here I am.

I had to find a morning meeting so I can go when my boys (ages 11 & 8) are at school. The only morning meeting within driving distance is on Wednesday, so I'm waiting for it.

My husband is big and has diabetes. We enable one another. I've been fat for 8 years, and had an eating disorder since I was 13, or for 22 years. One extreme or the other, I think it is the same thing.

So I don't think I eat too much, but obviously I do because keeping track of it makes me feel insane and dieting never works and I am huge and my body hurts. I decided that I have gluttony and have been praying for my HP (God) to deliver me from it. He sent me here, to y'all and to OA.

What should i do while I wait for the meeting? How do I think? Are there websites I can read to learn more?

My fear right now is that my medical condition (PCOS) will make it so that I can only have 1200 to 1500 calories a day for the rest of my life, just to stay at a normal weight. I'm afraid of that. It is too little and I'm afraid of becoming anorexic again.

I was a poor as a kid and I'm afraid that there won't be enough food in the house, so I tend to hoard food and stock up unnecessarily. I'm afraid that if I get smaller physically that my husband will be mad at me since I'm not maitaining the status quo. I'm afraid of the responsibilities of being thin.

And I'm hopeful. I see a small ray of hope and it thrills me and terrifies me. And I'm ready to change.

This is where I'm at, and I'm looking around the corner to see where I'll be next.

Happy to meet y'all.
Maggie

[splendra]

(((MAGGIE)))-

Welcome to SR!!! There are lots of people here who really do care. Take it easy on yourself. People in recovery learn to take things one day and sometimes one minute at the time. That keep us in the right now which is all we have control of. Take care and be gentel with yourself!!

[Pony]

Well Maggie this is a great start. Welcome again......

The first step is realizing that your out of control, but then you knew that...lol It's really great that you already have that head start. OA is a good program and a great source for support. There is an online OA site.... the link is in the power posts above.

some of what you descibed in your post above, about how you feel I can so relate to. All those feelings of fear about the what if's....
On the part about the medical side of your weight gain.....are you working with a DR. currantly. If not, maybe you should be....just an opinion...... or maybe a dietician. My mom got some really great lessons from a dietician when she was first told she has diabetes. She has really learned to read those lables on food packages. She also has to watch her sodium intake because of high blood pressure. I grew up with her always being on the Weight Watcher program....which I think to be one of the best and healthiest programs around. What I learned is that it is extremely important to have a healthy well balanced food plan and excerise routine. To make it your daily life style....not just some weight loss thing for the moment.

I can also relate to the stocking up, but I learned it as an adult when my husband (now ex-h) and I didn't make much money and we had three kids to feed. Now I have a much better job.....a partner that makes good money ... and only one child at home ...I still do stuff to scrimp and save here and there....(although cost of living where I live is high) Well anyway, I do understand.

I am very glad you found us. We can help support each other!

[Miss Maggie]

Thank you Splendra and Pony. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I saw a dietician about the eating stuff last year and she said to follow a diabetic diet with the exchanges and stuff. I'm pretty familiar with them. I could actually write a book about them because I have been so obsessed with food and portions and control. When I saw the dietician I was frustrated by her lack of knowledge. She probably didn't have an eating disorder and hadn't spent the last 2 decades of her life learning everythign she could about the field. I on the other hand, do have an eating disorder and have been awkwardly obsessed with food in one way or another for, well, ever. So I got into an arrogant mindset (sorry ) and thought to myself that if I know more than the expert, what is the value of the expert. Also the insurance would only pay for the one visit to the dietician and she didn't teach me anything new so I just felt like I was still on the merry-go-round.

As for the endocrinologist, I am not seeing one right now. Last time I was there (almost 2 years ago) they asked me to collect all of my urine for 24 hours in a special container and I got grossed out and never went back. I thought, well I am a lady and ladies do not pee in medical containers. Ladies use the appropriate fascilities instead. Of course ladies with this attitude are using stinking thinking and need to get over it and do what the doctor says to do. Only I am still dreading it and still frightened by it and still haven't made the new appt.

I started walking again about a month ago. My goal is 10 miles a week or 2 miles a day on the weekdays. I walk the track at a nearby school after I get the boys on the buses. I have been managing to do it about 3 times a week, but I really want to do it every morning. I feel a lot better when I walk. But for some reason I don't do it even when I know I should and even when I want to. A lot of my life is like that. I know what I should do and even how to do it, I don't do it though. That is where the unmanageability comes in. And it hurts.

It's like my brain is cluttered and I need to clean it out, but I don't know how to do it alone, and it makes me feel very vulnerable to do it, so I need support from other folks going through it too.

[Pony]

[I feel a lot better when I walk. But for some reason I don't do it even when I know I should and even when I want to. A lot of my life is like that. I know what I should do and even how to do it, I don't do it though. That is where the unmanageability comes in. And it hurts.

It's like my brain is cluttered and I need to clean it out, but I don't know how to do it alone, and it makes me feel very vulnerable to do it, so I need support from other folks going through it too.]


OMG, I feel like I was looking at myself (in writing) in the mirror. Reading what you wrote there I was thinking.....THAT'S ME !!! and I couldn't have put it any better....it's great to know that we are not alone!

I too, do know what I am supposed to do, but.......well, don't seem to do it sometimes. But since being here at SR, I have found the support and the incentive to follow the program I have set for myself and I have gotten results....slowly, but they are there. We just got to keep working at it and trying different things til we find what works within our lives, and come on in and get the support to keep going! Working through our emotional issues is a very important key to getting rid of what causes us to want to fail and change us around to want to succeed more. To feel like we deserve to live a better life and be happy.

Thanks for sharing here Maggie! You have helped me to renew some of my own ambitions towards my goals and know that I am not alone either.

[KelKel]

Hi Maggie
Welcome to SR...
There are some wonderful folks around here as you have already discovered.
Glad you are here.
Doing your walks 3-4 times a week is great.
Try to stay in the moment and do this thing one day at a time.

PS. My name is Kel and my addiction is alcohol.

[Miss Maggie]

Thanks Kel

[sweeks]

You know what helps me with walks is to find a variety of different places to go so I don't get bored. I also like to get books on tape from the library and I won't let myself listen to them unless I'm walking. Sometimes I end up going twice a day just cause I want to know what happens. lol