Fears and putting life off until......

[Pony]

HHmm, well, I have been a little more back on track lately. I have been watching the food more closely and talking to my support people. I still don't really know what's going on inside my head, except to know that it has not been very healthy thinking. I am working on that though.

I know one of the things that helps me sift through stuff in my head is the daily meditations. The last few days I have related to much of what has been in them. Fear, procrastinating on living life, feeling like I don't deserve to live it now......that I should wait until I lose the weight and are a better person in order to enjoy it....life that is. But once I am there....at goal weight.....the fear of still not being accepted for who I am...or what I look like......of being rejected even then is still great within me. I know that it shouldn't be, but it is. It's that...what if??? thing; "what if it's not different" .... "what if I'm still not good enough for ... or healthy enough for those who are expecting it to be so and they still..... well, you know..!! OH, I know that no-one can tell the future and I should put so much stalk in that way of thinking, but it's hard not to.

So I just go along, one day at a time, hoping that I can make these changes along the way and enjoy each day as it comes. Being able to share here with all of you makes it a good journey!

Hugs

[Ann]

It's good to see you back Pony, and I know all about the "tomorrow" worry. The thing is that we never know what tomorrow holds, but if we learn to live better today, and take good care of ourselves today, then we will be prepared for tomorrow when it comes.

I think it was MG who said something like....when we live with regrets about the past and with fear of what tomorrow will bring, we lose all the joy in today.

Just for today, I am trying to eat well and keep my life balanced. Just for today, I am trying to learn more about myself and what I need to do to make my life better.

Hugs
Ann

[renee18]

Pony, I see were you are coming from. I think that I put life on hold sometimes too because I think that I do not deserve to live life if I am overweight and it does not help when everyone around you keep saying things about everyones weight. I try to take one day at a time and try not to let other people bring me down about my weight I know I am overweight but I think holding my weight right now is the best for me and trying to lose weight now will only make things worse. This time I am following me heart not what my parents say.
Love,
Shana, 18

[Pony]

Exactly Shana, I am with you on that. Although I am on the losing weight side of things at this point in life. But I understand what you said because that's where I was at before I finally was ready to take that one more step forward. You can only do it when "YOU" are ready, not when everyone else is ready for you.

I have been working at this for most of my life, but more seriously for the last three years and really down to the nitty gritty of it for the last two years with the help from the people here. It has been slow progress over time and sometimes I just maintain, but I keep right on working on me and moving forward with whatever I can. Everyday that you are alive is a step forward. It might not seem like it, but dying is the alternative (the step back) that I am just not willing to take anymore! And being unhealthy, for me, was like dying a little each day. Now that is my experience.....in no way do I think others have to feel the way I do. Everyone is different and has their own time. Please just do what is good for you and when you are ready to take another step.....you will know!!

Ann, thanks so much for the support you give me. I wouldn't be able to keep on sometimes if it weren't for the kind words I get from you here. And MG is right....it's just so hard to remember that when that meeting starts to take place in my head!!!!

Sometimes, being alone with my thoughts is NOT good!!! LOL

Today I had one of those real embarressing moments that lends room for those committee members to move right on in........

My daughter had her first soccer practice. It was at one of the elementary schools. Everything went fine until after when it was time for us to leave. Well, her and her dad were goofing off a bit on the field and everyone else left......that in it's self would be fine except that....yes, they looked the gate!!!! So, what's the problem....well, I'll tell ya, I couldn't get myself over the fence. They had no trouble, but me, well, I did. I couldn't get out of the school......so there I was locked in. I am on one side and they are on the other ready to leave. I tell ya, I was almost in tears except that my other half would have had a field day with it. My daughter was upset that I couldn't get out and told her dad that he was not leaving me there, but he said next time he would. I finally got out when he found a loose post and pulled it out far enough for me to get through. My day had been fine until then. Not a high point of my day!

[Paulie]

(((Pony))) that would be not a high point in my life either. But remember the high points, remember the trip to Disneyland and the rides you rode on this time? That WAS a high point. Think of the good (I am telling myself this to my friend not just you).

I am struggling with getting back on track. There has been nothing but parties and celebrations in my life since July 17th, the last one being a bday party for my step son tonight. It is so hard to get back on once you fall off but we can do it.

I have missed you my friend.

[Pony]

Yeah, no that moment wasn't one of my finest!! Not to mention it happening in front of "him" ... You know?

I do remember Disneyland...but it seem so far long ago. And I know that I have been maintaining my size...which means that I haven't gone upward with all my being off track. In fact just bought some new shorts that are just a bit on the tight side, but they are non-stretch jean shorts at the new size....it is good. My girlfriend said that they looked really good even though they were a bit tight....and she always tells me her true opinion...that's what makes us such good friends.

Anyway, Paulie...I mean Mrs. M.... I sure miss you too. Lots of ways. Enjoy every moment you can at this time. It's all good!!!!!

We'll get back with it. Hugs

[runningfree]

I don't often come here because I am in denial about weight things, BUT I came today and I am so horrified that your husband (or ex-husband) said he wouldn't stay to get you out! How awful that must have felt to be on the other side. I don't think if I was 100 pounds that I could get over a fence. I am terrified of heights and I fell off a fence when I was 6 and had serious injuries. I feel so bad for you and being left to feel that way.

I liked what was said:
...when we live with regrets about the past and with fear of what tomorrow will bring, we lose all the joy in today.
THis is the story of my life and I can't get out of this cycle. I wish you the best. The one thing that you have always done in these posts is come across as strong and supportive. You too need strength and support!
Much hugs for you...

[Pony]

Runningfree, thanks for your support. Yeah, I was embarressed with my predicament but I am through it. Talking about it helped alot. I already know how my boyfriend feels about my size and his attitude is hitting my safety shield. Which means I try not to listen to him!!!! If he ever does leave me like that in that situation....well, lets just say that there are planty of times that he could be left to walk himself home from places we go after he's had too much to drink!!! He won't drive anywhere even if he's only had two.! He's good that way.

Anyway, to get off that......support....that's what we are here for and I hope that I have given out as much support as I have received. You all are really great!