Alcohol problems have gradually shifted to full blown bulimia

[Sealpoint]

Over the last 5 years my problems have with alcohol have been completely out of control, daily blackouts, sickness, liver damage, neuropathy, chronic withdrawal when I rarely attempted to, hospitilisation for malnutrition/sicking up blood, being reclusive and so on, I never ever thought I would be able to stop it all. However, over the last 6 mths or so I s'pose my behaviour has been changing, it's been so gradual, I cannot really identify when it really started shifting. I now find myself in the full throws of bulimia.


NB:Issues round drinking & bulimia have been in my life at varying degrees since age 13 (am now 42).

I know with my drinking I was v v worried about my liver damage and especially my neuropathy which was affecting my mobility and overall health, plus my weight gain was an issue. This must have triggered the gradual change.

Currently, I am still drinking, but rarely during the mornings / daytime, only evenings. Now instead of obsessing/craving/stashing booze around the house & garden, it is now food. Food has taken over big time.

I hate but absolutely prefer my bulimic behaviours compared to the chronic alcohol ones I had, a kind of a relief. However, I ask myself, will there always have to be some addictive/disruptive behaviour I have to part-take in to get thru the day.

I have posted this on here because I wanted to tell someone, there is no one I can talk to about it. My husband is an alcoholic and I hide my bulimia as much as I humanly can.

I just wondered is there anyone else out there who swings between these 2 demons.

Thanks for listening.

xxxx

[LifeRecovery]

Sealpoint-

Others will be along soon that can share in the challenges of both struggles.

I can share in the challenge of an eating disorder, and share my experience, strength and hope with you regarding it. Along the way I met and married someone struggling with an alcoholic....so I guess two out of three similar experiences I can relate to.

I have lived with an eating disorder for about the same time you have (29-30 years).

I have done a gamut of things for recovery, therapy (with someone who is well versed in addiction/alcoholism and then worked in an eating disorder treatment center), group therapy (where I was honored to meet others struggling with food problems and alcohol or substance addiction) etc. Do you know that they estimate at least 30 percent of people with an eating disorder struggle with alcoholism/drug addiction? That seems to have played out in my experience too.

I have also found for myself that when I was working on one aspect of my recovery that another part really started to rev up. I think what I am saying is that if I was not going crazy around food I might start struggling with the exercise part of my addiction more (less drinking more food issues makes sense to me).

Al-anon which is for friends and families of alcoholics has really helped me. Also a book called "Eating By the Light of the Moon" by Anita Johnson.

Best of luck. Keep posting....it can help.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Sealpoint. I just wanted to say Welcome to SR & especially the Eating Disorders Forum. I am a compulsive overeater with binge eating issues. I am not an alcoholic, but I do have an addicitive personality, which to me means that I am easily addicted to things. Under different life circumstances, I do know that I would definitely have been an alcoholic. What I am trying to say is that I can fully understand trading one addiction for another & seeming to always have to be dealing with some sort of addictive behavior.
I really feel that we'll have to latch onto something productive/not harmful, to unleash our addictive/ obsessive behavior, in order to ever be free of our harmful addictions. It is a part of ourselves that has to be filled. I don't believe that we can just stop doing these destructive things to ourselves without replacing the void with something. That's just my 2cents. Of course, I haven't found my healthy addiction replacement yet.

I do hope that you'll keep coming back here to SR to share. There are several forums here that you might be interested in reading some of the posts & sharing there. You are definitely not alone with all that you're dealing with & I do hope that others will be along to share with you as well.

[JaneMarie]

Hi SealPoint. You are not alone. My story is very similar to yours. My alcoholism came first (though I did not accept it was a problem at the time) and I first started binging/purging in May of 2008 at age 24. From the start of my bulimia, I was able to purge by contracting my stomach muscles only, no fingers necessary (how easy right?) Well, my alcoholism increased, and so did my bulimia. I would purge my meals so I could consume more beer vs loading up on the high calories of both.
So, I have recently stopped drinking (22 days sober) and have surrendered to alcohol. I am committed to my recovery and have been attending AA daily. Unfortunately, my bulimia has become out of control. It makes sense, it takes up the time and gives me a similar feeling to alcohol. I also isolate myself in my apartment the same way. I am nervous that my bulimia is totally becoming unmanageable as my alcoholism had become. I know I should stop but it does fill a void...I am worried that ceasing my alcohol intake and my eating disorder at the same time may be too much for me to handle. Any advice?

[zorilla]

I suffered from anorexia,and then switched to alcohol & drugs.
I never really liked myself and never had a feeling of peace until a few months ago when I asked god to make me quit the drugs and alcohol.A feeling of peace I'd never felt before came over me.I also attend AA meetings which helps me keep this peaceful feeling..

[LifeRecovery]

Welcome JaneMarie

I am glad you are here though sorry for the reasons you find yourself here.

I can't speak on the dual struggles you are experiencing though I did find myself in my own recovery substituting "coping mechanisms" as I went.

For my eating disorder I found a counselor that specialized in eating disorder treatments....she also has a LOT of experience with addiction in general, AA, Al-anon etc. That has been really helpful for me in working with my own eating disorder, but also living with a loved one who struggles with alcohol. I did not find that I recovered from my ED with 12 step work, but that 12 step work has been a wonderful supplement to my recovery. I bet you can find support that is able to support your work with your alcohol use and your eating disorder.

Keep posting it helps too.

[Sealpoint]

Hi everyone

Thankyou for sharing & your support.

I am at a funny place right now, it is messed up but not like how it was when I was drinking. I now remember what happens each day rather than memory loss usually after 5pm. Plus it is ironic, I am making myself sick, however whilst drinking the daily morning dry retch / bile sickness I used to have was so bad, also I would wake up in the middle of the night and just be sick in bed with no warning. I am thankful this is not happening now.

JaneMarie it is not for me to give you advice on many levels. I do relate to your feelings of isolation and it filling a void. If you would like to offload / chat about stuff feel free to personal message me, I can off load too, but no advice.

Nina Kay you said "I really feel that we'll have to latch onto something productive/not harmful, to unleash our addictive/ obsessive behavior, in order to ever be free of our harmful addictions. It is a part of ourselves that has to be filled. I don't believe that we can just stop doing these destructive things to ourselves without replacing the void with something."

I am so with you. I am reading books alot now, something I couldnt do when drinking. I can really see how people with beliefs whether religious or not can find this a help, but that's not me.

That's all from me.
xxx

[LifeRecovery]

I found that sometimes my behavior got worse before it got better.

I saw a great comment somewhere yesterday and there is a reading in Eating By The Light of the Moon that I ALWAYS remember that talks about the same time. Surviving is important, but thriving is elegant. Maya Angelou. The reading is about a flood and you get swept up in it as you are rushed down stream. There is a log that saves your life in this torrent of water. As the water starts to calm down you become afraid to let go of the log even though you really want out of the water.

My eating disorder was my survival mechanism when I was a kid and for many years. Honestly as backasswards as it sounds it saved my life. At some point it became counterproductive and it started hurting more than helping....but it is really hard to let go of something that saved you.

I had to practice letting go of the log for seconds, minutes, practice swimming etc. Sometimes I held onto that log for dear life in shallow safe waters. I am FINALLY working on swimming to shore without the dang log.

Change is scary and for me the act of working on change often brought up worst "behaviors" because lets face it I had to look at hard stuff (and the reason I turned to the ED in the first place).

I truly believe we are all capable of change, posting, talking about it and sharing is the first step. That step is so hard though and look at all of us doing it.

[GraceHolly]

I am dealing with this issue right now. While I am so relieved and happy to be sober - 12 weeks today! - my joy is tempered by the return of my bulimia. I have obviously transferred my coping mechanism from drinking to binging/purging. So disheartening. I, too, see it as the lesser evil, though, but I'm not sure that's true. This habit is not healthy for me and it makes me feel SO awful physically and emotionally. My body hurts, my mouth has sores, my throat hearts, I'm spending loads of money on food that ends up in the toilet.... I just don't understand why this all continues.

I have stopped drinking on my own, no outside support, and that may be the reason. The problems I've self-medicated for so long with alcohol are still alive and kicking, but instead of booze I'm escaping in other bad ways.

[LifeRecovery]

Graceholly-

Welcome, I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reason you are.

I cannot speak on the drinking part (but 12 weeks is an huge accomplishment).

I have not met anyone in my recovery from my eating disorder that has not done it with some support. I did a lot of work on my own (reading, 12 step work in Al-anon etc), but though I did not have to attend inpatient treatment, I had a lot of support from a great therapist and overall support team.

My therapist has a lot of experience in chemical addictions and then worked at an eating disorder treatment center. I live in a small town in the middle of now where I bet you can get some help in a big city with someone that experiences both.

There is a woman named Jenni Schaefer who is doing a free presentation this upcoming week on ED recovery (she has written a couple of great books). I don't have the web connection with me at the same time but I bet if you goggle it you might find it.

Regardless take it easy on you, healing can happen we just need to give it enough space to.

[GraceHolly]

Thanks, LifeRecovery! I've dealt with the bulimia for so long (about 27 years, with a break of about 10 years in there somewhere). At its worst, I went to a therapist for about 4 months, which helped a little bit - looking back, though, I stopped because I told my then-husband about it. He had no clue I was b-p'ing many times a day. The secret was out, and I stopped, then immediately gained 40 pounds within 6 months of stopping. Horrifying!

Skip forward 12 years. After my divorce, I had lost a lot of weight because of the stress. I loved being thin! The binge-purging started again because I wanted to maintain my new body. That's also when the drinking started to be a problem, too.

Anyway, I have stopped drinking by confronting Booze Brain, shining a light on it and calling it out. I've decided to deal with Binge Brain the same way. I'm going to try and quit my ED the same way I am stopping drinking.

This will work if I can also address my emotional void or problem, whatever it is. That's the kicker! Not sure how to do it.

[vortex2]

Hello. I am writing in on this thread prior to sunrise, listening to some awesome meditative music..in, yes...peace. Profound peace of mind.

It is so hard to imagine another life than the one I was living. Severely anorexic and hospitalized inpatient for 3 months, and it took 10 years to get to that point. LONG story. Upon release with sufficient weight gain, purging anorexia. I was eating food only from trash cans and living as minimal as possible..minimal everything, and now know...of minimal "Spirit"...purging 20 times or more a day. I too could purge without any aids. I found that out entirely by happen chance one day ..I thought..finally, an answer. No more sticking multile things down my throat, no more sore throats, no more broken blood vessels in my eyes. That was actually a curse...as easier purging made more frequent purging, any time...any place.

The nightmares are too numerous to write here, now. I drank never during the anorexia years, running over 100 miles per week..setting a n Officer Training School distance record over a 6 week period of nearly 800 miles, studying for lessons from notecards while running. After continuing through varied forms of the same behaviors and some how squeaking through life, inside I was disappearing even more despite my more favorable outward appearance (to others only, size bias).

Around 2000 , I was discovering alcohol..and literally found myself conversing internally over which was worse, alcohol or bulimic/anorexia activities..which also included a strange compulsion to eat food in grocery stores. ..and small shop lifting activities. NONE of this was the real me. I knew it, intuitively. I loved people and life...a bright future had been layed before me if I could stay the straight and narrow. It's a twisted tale though, with a dark background.

Alcohol took over entirely, in and out of 8 treatment centers at least. Nothing worse that an alcoholic bulimic practicing anorexia as well..with Bi Polar...near death twice, and at one point 1/2 of my body was paralyzed after an OD on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants mixed with straight high caliber alcohol. I was in a wheel chair for several days after a 3 day coma, thought to be paralyzed for life. But that was not the case.

Once again, I was being 'saved'. Treatments led me to AA via a counselor, I saw the writing on the walls there they have, but did not know..that I did not know. I read , saw, and heard only in my head and not my heart. But how was I to know this was what was happening?.

The mind that creates the problem cannot be the same mind to solve it. I needed a NEW MIND. A shift, a transformation...through the Spirit inside m. The dissonance between my Spirit and what I kept telling me and my behaviors is where the biggest pain lay. I was muffling and silencing it by continuing the behaviors so I could not hear its plea for survival.

I had saved a mans life long before all of this...the opportunity to not do so was there though..and I almost walked away at that critical point. BUT, as I started to..there was a very fast, instantaneous projection and knowledge into the far future that I heard and KNeW, "If you do not save him you will never be able to live with your self..forever! Life will never be the same for you". I did the right thing, and was rewarded. But, it was not me who saved him. If you do not understand this, I'll say now..it was God working through me.

That notion always remained despite all of the years described above (again, way too much to cover in a message here). I have read three down to earth books by Marya Hornbacher. "Wasted", "Madness", and now.."Sane". I recommend those to read. I am also reading now a book called "Gaining..The Truth about Eating Disorders After Recovery". The first 2 chapters at least will help us realize we are not alone. That is important to know. I am not alone in this. gainingthetruth.com See that link I just put in. Today...I have not drank in just over 2 years, have not purged in one year, have a low but healthy body weight.. At one point my blood pressure was 65/38, Pulse 32..weight..too low to barely be able to walk..too low to hold up my head while lying down. To low too sit anywhere. Hollows defined me, and my soul. Then, blackouts and injuries. I lost everything...living under someone else's roof at one point. Thank God for others!

Today, I open arms to the moon and stars, the sun..the sky, the earth. In touch with everything. Its...THE ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE. I've crossed over the river to the TREE OF LIFE. Blood work is excellent per my last visit. This journey has lasted 32 years, with heavy purging for at least 28 years..teeth are very bad, and my personality is coming back slowly, but after all of those years..I'm a different person also, but my core is still there.

.like a crying child ..Finally...free to play again. Do you remember how it felt to play care-free? I had lost it..and was aware of it while all of this was going on. I got to the point that I'd sacrifice ALL of this activity without a doubt, I'd go through whatever pain I had to, I do anything..to change what was happening...because..if I could live how I was living for so long and still be alive..how could something different be any worse?! CAN YOU IMAGE, THE ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE? I keep going back to that. You and I, we are part of a huge plan! Weeeeee....

I cry now over it all sometimes. But also know, suffering leads to higher places. It is through our sufferings we learn, we understand, we reach for the next level..the higher Plane..and life..is never the same once there.

But on another Light..in THE LIGHT..I hear, I now SEE, I understand..going down and down into the spiral reversed. Now, accelerating up , up, up ..out out out..up up up..toward :LIGHT..giving it a LIFE..giving it LOVE...giving it ALL to the universe. The returns are more than I've ever known...and I'm now..at peace. I never knew, that I was NEVER at peace. And, if there is no one else in my life..there is ONE, LOve. Listen.

[LifeRecovery]

I am so glad that GraceHolly and Vortex have shared.

I get so much support from the F&F side of this board and see and respect so much support on the other sides it feels good to get and give support on this side.

[Sealpoint]

GraceHolly, I am defo with you re lesser of 2 evils. Big BIG CONGRATs with 12 weeks today.

You were very brave telling your husband about your bulimia, you must have decided that it was time to make a change knowing that him knowing would mean it being very difficult for you to continue, was that the case?

My husband has his suspicions, but I do go to great lengths to hide it from him. That is one thing that is very difficult and different to when I was drinking heavily. When I was drinking with him, the drinking behaviour was all out in the open, we were very tolerant of each other. He is still drinking. In my current state of mind (bulimic) it is in my interest that he does continue drinking, to facilitate my compulsive behaviour. I know that sounds horrendous, which it is, hard for me to admit, especially on this website. But, please note that I do not encourage him by any means and if I asked him to reduce at all he would not.

Originally Posted by GraceHolly

Anyway, I have stopped drinking by confronting Booze Brain, shining a light on it and calling it out. I've decided to deal with Binge Brain the same way. I'm going to try and quit my ED the same way I am stopping drinking.

How do you mean 'shining a light on it and calling it out'?

At this moment in my life, I do not want to let go of the bulimia as it is saving me from alcohol.

Thanks to everyones posts on here xxx

[Sealpoint]

I hope my previous post doesnt sound like I am quizzing Graceholly, I am just very interested x

[LifeRecovery]

I have found that Al-anon has been very supportive for me in working on the part of my "Life Recovery" around an alcoholic in my life. Though not the way I have dealt with my eating disorder support Al-anon has been the "whipped cream and cherry on top," for my recovery in general (sorry about the food pun), and is very supportive for me in minimizing eating disorder behaviors.

I heard a webinar last week on eating disorders and the holidays and something really resonated with me. I have gotten A LOT of support around my loved one with alcohol use....not so much around my eating disorder. In all honestly that is probably why it has taken me such a long time to heal from it. I was very up front and honest about my work on the Al-anon side of things, but still at times keep the eating disorder hidden.

I forget that I truly believe we are only as sick as our secrets.

My two cents only.

[GraceHolly]

Hi Sealpoint, thanks for your comments and questions! Yes, I told my then-husband about my bulimia because I knew revealing my secret would take all the wind out of its sails. The horrifying thing was that he told his family...I have never forgiven him for that. I divorced him several years ago, in part because I just didn't trust him and couldn't be open with him after that.

Ok, so what I mean by shining a light is this: I visualize my very drunk self in the middle of a beautiful green meadow with the sun shining, around me are my kids, partner, close friends. Is this how I want to be? How I want my loved ones to see me? NO. When my drinking was in secret (which it almost always was) and in the "dark" it was easy to do, to rationalize. When I bring it out in the open, warm sunshine with everyone looking at me....well, it just isn't good. And I know I can do better.

So, I'm at 13+ weeks sober. Yay me!!! But I'm not sober with food. Yuck me. My goal is to get sober with food. I just B-P'd and I really am defeated. It was gross and sad.

Thanks for listening.

[GraceHolly]

Liferecovery, that is so true - secrets keep us sick. Unfortunately, I LOVE secrets and I've had a lot of them over the years. They make me feel powerful in some weird way. No one in my current world knows of my ED, no one knows of my overwhelming struggles with alcohol, nor the various relationships I've had (behind my boyfriend's back). Those are just the obvious ones. I feel so bad about all of them. I'm scared to be myself and I end up just doing all sorts of things secretly. Doesn't make sense sometimes...

[LifeRecovery]

I think it makes perfect sense....in my world the things that are secret are usually what I feel shame over. Not guilt which to me is a feeling about a behavior or action, but shame which is somehow something that makes me less of a person.

Shame + secrets = (for me) the power of destruction toward myself. When I start talking about the secrets...the shame disipates and then I have to someone hold myself more accountable for my actions and my shame.

In the eating disorder world they talk about the secrets being "Ed" or "Ana" or whatever we want to "call" our eating disorder voice that is holding on for dear life to keep us sick.

I started getting better when I started talking about secrets....it was hard at first for me, then it was a relief to get it out. It is amazing how when I get it all out I feel lighter, and in many instances the secrets felt like a bigger deal when they were a secret.

[Sealpoint]

Originally Posted by GraceHolly

So, I'm at 13+ weeks sober. Yay me!!! But I'm not sober with food. Yuck me. My goal is to get sober with food. I just B-P'd and I really am defeated. It was gross and sad.

GraceHolly - Big YAY for 13+ weeks, that is very good going!! I get your visualisation technique, alot of will-power. 'Yuck me' too, you are not alone as I have too just B-P'd, am feeling frustrated with myself, have very swollen glands and my eyes and face looks puffy, good job my husband is asleep and wont get to see me til the morning. I feel fat & drained.

I havent drunk any alcohol today, that is very good, however this evening I have been clock-watching until my husband passed out so I could get my mia fix.

GraceHolly, re your husband telling his family about your bulimia, gawd I would be mortified.

I'm still thinking about secrets, but have to sign off now as my batteries are going. Thanks everyone.