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|11-15-2011, 01:44 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
feeling pretty bad today
I had a classic binge last night.
But i didn't purge.
I ordered $40 in food, sucked down a pint of ice cream, ate a giant cookie.
and today i ate a big giant meal again.
I'm in the middle of traveling and i feel like i'm "off"
i feel like i just messed up my entire program in sobriety. It's everything i can do to avoid a case of the F-its.
i'm proud i didn't purge. I'm proud i haven't taken pills, and im proud i am sitting here in the airport drinkng coffee.
now i just feel....fat.
and fat isn't a feeling! I feel ashamed, i feel scared, i feel sad. I miss my boyfriend. I miss him so much and i feel like i ruined everything. I feel like i'm just a worthless bloated tick.
I know this is just stinky thinking but I feel it all over my body, too.
I'm having a hard time with my food issues lately, especially around this binge. Restriction tends to "feel" better than binging. I wish i hadn't binged.
I wish i'd called someone before the binge, and i wish i'd not skipped that meeting.....which is what i did (AA meeting...i flaked) (and instead i binged)
i feel like i drank but i didn't. i have a food hangover.
i just want to sleep. i'm pretty tired too. out of H.A.L.T i am Tired, Lonely and Angry too.
Angry at myself for bad behavior, for drinking and ruining my relationship 91 days ago. Angry at my ex bf for abandoning me/us/not loving me back, not coming back.
Lonely - i miss him, and i feel pretty alone today at the airport, missing my friend while i travel: WINE
Tired: I pulled an all nighter last night and have only slept 2 hours in the last 20 hours.
thanks SR for being here on a day like today. I wish there were meetings at airports (are there?)
|11-15-2011, 02:39 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Hello. I wish that I had some comforting words for you, but all I really know is true, is that you are Not ALONE. I would give you a hug if I were there with you & tell you that I truly understand how you are feeling. You have perfectly described how I feel after a major binge, everytime I do binge. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Just take some deep breaths & hold them. Then let them out very slowly. This really is relaxing & calming. You can start over right now, making better minute to minute choices. You do not have to wait till tomorrow. It's ok. We all trip & fall sometimes. Just make a decision to get back up, dust yourself off & start again. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe you could just put all of this in God's hands for just long enough to get some rest on the plane. You need rest.
Acceptance is key to my Serenity.
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