Anyone here anorexic?

[Threshold]

I used to be a compulsive eater, but got that under control. Was eating a healthy diet for a while, but some recent traumas have thrown me for a loop. I just want to disappear. I want to have control over something in my life. so...here I am.

I know it's a sham. I am NOT in control, it's just another compulsion.

[mxchaos]

So how else are you dealing with the recent trauma? I restrict my eating to have control over my thoughts and feelings lately I've been working on maintaining my weight. with lots of help from my I and GP. A healthy mind needs to be fed.

shout out anytime this forum has been a life saver for me.

[Threshold]

How am I dealing with recent trauma...or NOT dealing as the case may be. I'm trying to "get clean and sober"...my issue is that I am addicted to my own body chemistry, rather than outside substances. I get a "rush", and sometimes a near high from certain behaviors. Some of these behaviors are inappropriate, yet I turn to them for the "high" I get.

When trauma strikes, these "highs" are a way to distance myself from the pain.
I also feel a tremendous lack of control in my life right now, and starving myself cons me into thinking I have control. Plus, it gives me lots of positive feedback from others, admiration at my self discipline, and thus another sort of "high"...

So, I am neither clean nor sober, because I just found another way to "get off" on myself, another inappropriate way. And...well, I have other temptations that I had given up using, but have fallen off the wagon there as well.

I sorta felt like sobriety sucked. Like I had to vigilant to not allow myself any pleasure, because once it started, it was hard for me to not go further, to increase the hit.

And once I start "using"...I can get out of control pretty quickly, and it's so much damn fun, I don't want to stop.

At the same time, I am making some efforts to stick with this..or at least to address some underlying issues, so maybe I can figure my way out of this addiction. I've been journaling, using a guided book, to take a deeper look at how I am operating right now. It's helped me be honest about some things, helped me clarify the issues behind my "using"...but so far, hasn't actually stopped me from using.

I find the whole body chemistry thing to be very tricky. I can't go cold turkey from life. I can avoid certain situations that I KNOW will set me off, but there are lots of situations that creep up on me, caused by outside influences, that blindside me.

For instance, my husband, in a genuinely giving spirit, purchased me tickets to a rock concert. Now, I can totally bliss out on music, and a live rock concert REALLY gets my juice flowing.

I'd been really working on my sobriety for a couple months...then bang, I go to the concert and am amply reminded how great that 'high" feels. And I just want to keep it flowing. And sure enough, this week, I'm out of control, all over the place, high on myself again, acting out.

The anorexia gives me the illusion, and delusion of control in at least one area of my life.

I recently spent a week in a psych ward and two in intense out patient...and I haven't cut since the day i went into the hospital. But now I don't eat, and my psych has not said a work to me about losing twenty pounds in two months.

being thin, lets me wear the latest fashions, I show off my figure, guys flirt, that gives me a thrill, I flirt back...and the cycle soon spins out of control, but it's so much fun...what's my motivation to stop?

I can't control the gifts others give me, the compliments they send my way, and I am so weak when it comes to those things. I just crave more and more.


arghhh

[mxchaos]

It's hard to give up the control you feel when involved with your ED. For me I had to get all area's under control at the same time to get half way healthy. I spent months in the hospital. which got me clean and sober and medicated my bipolar but sent my Ana sky high. It's hard to balance all these things out with out someone knowledgeable and skilled in guiding you through the white waters. On the other side is lot's of hard work and a better life.

Ana is the worst of my struggles now. I still have bipolar swings but not as bad and I've been sober for awhile now. I find living life challenging and new rushes to find.

[Nina Kay]

Threshold, I would just like to Welcome you to this forum, even though I'm late doing so. I hope that you find here all of the help that you might need to better your health and therefore your life.

There are many here that have dealt with anorexia and control issues. Maybe some of them will come around to share some of their ESH (experience, strength & hope) with you. In the meantime, you might want to read the Stickies at the top of the page. There is alot of valuable information there and links to other places of information. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often.