Scared: Using thoughts and Suicidal thoughts

[girlontherocks]

Hi everyone,

So I'm new here but I'm really enjoying being able to connect with people who understand what I am going through. I feel so alone and hopeless in this usually.

So I've gaine between 20 and 30 pounds in the past year. I have always, always, always felt over weight even when underweight. But now I am a size 11 and am 5'4 and it is seriously, seriously freaking me out. I have been bingeing as a way to cope with being dumped twice, as a way to escape from the obsession I have with a certain individual... the resentment I hold.. I even did a fourth and then my amends to him and it was all good.. Until I went back and it happened all over again. I go on bouts of not bingeing and purging, but it doesnt last long.

I am now at a point where the only thing keeping me going is the thought that I could kill myself or get high. I've been sober a while and this is really weird. I would rather be high and skinny than fat and alone. I'm sorry if this offends anyone here... We all have different issues and this is mine. I am in hell. I want to be loved and love and be happy but I keep hurting myself everynight and oh god..... I keep missing classes because i cant sit still and need to go work out to burn off the calories. I am in hell.

Help! Getting high or dying is obviously a retarded idea but it seems the only one that soothes my mind right now.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Girl. If it were me, I would really consider going to talk to a counselor or go to see the Dr. Your solutions are not solutions. Please seek professional help immediately.
(((((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))

[cece1960]

Hi ((((girlontherocks)))
If you feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call a crisis hotline and speak to a professional, visit a local ER, call a friend to speak to someone live.

There is help out there...you have to let them know you need it.

(((Hugs)))

[Rowan]

Hi there,

I see you are no longer online, but I hope you come back and see us soon - I'm worried about you. I understand much of what you shared and would love to talk to you more about what you are going through. You aren't alone, I promise you. I know how painful a spot you are in right now. Do you have face to face support that you could use, in the meantime? A sponsor or friend?

[Astro]

(((girlontherocks))) Going by what you've posted I gather you're familiar with recovery, and you've probably heard it shared that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem". I used to have those thoughts often, especially in early recovery when I struggled with self-esteem and self-worth issues. I'm so thankful I came to understand that that's our addictions talking to us, making us feel we're less than when in fact we're beautiful, loving people.

I hope you understand what I mean when I say, please be peaceful and gentle with yourself. Use this site for support and reach out for as much help as possible. Let others love you until you love yourself fully.

Take a moment to read this too..... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html (If you are feeling suicidal...)

[girlontherocks]

Hi again,

Thank you so much everyone.. It helps knowing that I am not alone.

I called my sponsor and we talked. She helped a lot. She made me see things a little more clearly.
I have never been suicidal, it is quite foreign to me this feeling... And it really freaked me out today. I think I am too chicken to actually ever do it, but the thoughts are definitely a red red red flag. I am in a rough spot, but I am ready to do the work. It's like my drug addiction: I did not stop until I was ready. Now this is it. I can't go back to bingeing. It will kill me. It will take me back to drugs which will kill me.... I have to look at it that way.

Yes astro I know what you mean when you say to be peaceful and gentle with myself.. I like that. I think I've been seeking that from people and food... seeking that THEY fix me and as a result completely neglecting my OWN relationship with myself... Geez. I am worthy, arent I? Arent we all? *sigh*
I really appreciate the support and I am going to keep posting here.. Anyone with similar stories or glimmers of hope and success please share!!

[Astro]

I've posted this before, it's from a men's meditation book. I read it whenever those dark thoughts of despair cross my mind, the quote at the beginning always chokes me up and clears my head.......

Saturday, July 25, 2009
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

In the hopelessness of addiction and codependency, and as children of addicts, some of us have considered suicide, and some of us have actually tried to kill ourselves. We have maintained the option as an escape in case life got too difficult. Now, in recovery, we have chosen life. We've stopped killing ourselves in the slow ways of our old behaviors, yet some of us hold on to our ace in the hole. Either consciously or unconsciously, we haven't made that unconditional commitment to life.

It may be one firmer step into recovery - a vote for the life we have been given - to say, "I will never choose suicide. Whatever comes my way, it is not an option for me." When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given.

In choosing to be totally on the side of life, I step further into the care of God. Whatever I must meet, God is with me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

[Rowan]

Thanks for posting that, Scott, and thanks, girlontherocks, for letting us know that you are safe. I just sent you a PM in reply to yours. I look forward to getting to know you better. As you have seen, you are not alone. I'm glad you are here.

[girlontherocks]

Ok so there IS some progress. I am feeling more optimistic about stopping bingeing. But it hasnt been done just yet.
I can only do this with God. Alone, I am totally screwed.

[Astro]

It's good to see you posting today girl, stick with it, you're on the right track.

[cali]

I am in a rough spot, but I am ready to do the work.

Gotr-
That line says it all!!! Remain willing! It's everything!!

My dear friend is absolutely devastated, as her brother, who was her best friend, killed himself a short while ago....I agree with the words "it's not an option" period. Do that "work" and you "will be amazed before you are half way through".
I am SO glad you are here!!

[Nina Kay]

girlontherocks, I am glad to see that you came back to share with us today. Way to go, on making progress. That's what it's all about with recovery. Progress; Not Perfection.

I can only do this with God. Alone, I am totally screwed.

This is positively true for me also. Without God I can do nothing, but with God's help I can do ALL things. Hang in there and keep on keepin' on. It sounds to me like you are definitely on the right track.
(((((((((((((((((Happy to see You HUGS))))))))))))))))

[Nina Kay]

Cali, I am so deeply sorry to hear about your friend's brother. There is really no way that I can see to heal from something so devastating as that. She will though, from alot of love from others like you.

[girlontherocks]

Hi again

I really appreciate all the feedback. Thank you cali, astro and nina...This is my new safe haven. I just got in from work and the first thing I wanted to do was come check out what people are posting here!! Before I would have probably engaged in some mild destructive habit that would turn into a binge. It's hard but I still want to do the work. Moving on... Moving ahead... I want to live!! I want to feel fully alive! I dont care what I have to give up anymore... A person, a place, bingeing.. I'm beginning to have faith that the payback for giving these things is far greater than anything I could imagine.......Just like when I got sober. I'm not gonna lie, I really dont want to meditate right now or brush my teeth even... And I'm still daydreaming of contacting this guy that I've been holding onto (this has kept me very sick) but there is improvement. The difference is that now I want change. I want peace.
So this is truly one day at a time right? One meal at a time.. one moment at a time.... I can get through this and to the other side. Patience and willingness are my friend. And thank you nina for the kind reminder that its progress not perfection.

[Nina Kay]

You sound so good, Girl. And yes, this truly is one day at a time, even just one moment at a time, if needed. (((((((((Support Hugs))))))))

[liveweyerd]

((((((((girl))))))))))))
What a beautiful present you are giving yourself!

[cali]

I want to live!! I want to feel fully alive!

((((((gotr)))))))
logging on and seeing your words makes me SO happy for you, and so grateful that "IT" does work! Contacting others, (sponsors etc) face to face is so very important.

I too, used to think that the "perfect relationship" would change me, make me whole, make me "ok".....I know today that recovery is an inside job. See my signature line...sure, sometimes I struggle, ar take a step back==but staying in the game, in the process "no matter what"---we WILL AND DO get better one day at a time.

I am just so happy that you are starting to feel better!!!!!

Absolutely "progress not perfection"!!

[girlontherocks]

hello again!

guess what......... I DID NOT BINGE LAST NIGHT!! I am so so happy. My day has been SO MUCH BETTER?!?? It was such a happy feeling to hear my alarm this morning and as I opened my eyes I realized... I dont feel sick! I dont feel like dying! I'm ok! This gives me hope, and motivation to keep going... *happy sigh* I've been praying more, like HONESTLY praying, reading more spiritual literature, and going to the gym. I pray that God keep doing for me what I cant do for myself!
And I looked up co-dependency online to help me with my obsessive thoughts.. It helped too! Its a little hard on the ego to admit to myself that I am like that.. but whatever, if accepting it gives me freedom so be it! I just feel bad now for hating on that poor guy and blaming him for so long... even though never to his face... because it's all me! all of it! I just used him to escape myself... *sigh* I hope you guys are having a good and growth-filled day too!!

[Astro]

Thanks for your daily updates, girl. Have you ever tried a CoDA meeting? My fiancee and I attend one every week, she's been a member for awhile, I started going after two years in AA. Those meetings have completely changed my idea of what it means to have healthy relationships, they've opened my eyes to a whole new world in recovery.

Here's the website for additional info and meeting schedules Co-dependents Anonymous

[girlontherocks]

hey Astro,

Thank you... I've never been to a coda meeting but I've read a pamphlet of quotes or was it affirmations? I remember really relating and liking it. Going to a coda meeting could be a good idea.. My ego tells me I'm too good for it though. I'm sure I'd run into many people I know from AA! haha... I'm going to look it up now.. My ego just gets me in more trouble and more hurt..... Because as cali touched on "the perfect relationship wont fix me"... haha, does the perfect relationship really exist? And it would be very silly to think I could be part of one when this is the state I am in. *sigh* I feel like contacting this guy and telling him I am sorry for putting myself in that position again and playing dumb, pretending it was a great idea when I knew it wasnt, just so we could keep it going. But maybe that's what I need to say to myself: forgive me... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

[Astro]

I don't like to use the word perfect, because I'm far from perfect, I'm a flawed human being who works a program of recovery to deal with his issues. What I do believe in is healthy relationships, at least as healthy as two people in recovery can be.

I'm engaged to a woman who works her own recovery program. We work on our diseases, we reach out to others in recovery, we do our best to have a loving and healthy relationship. It's a first for me, and so far it's going very well.

[girlontherocks]

Healthy..... hmm... sounds almost synonymous with "love"... This is definitely a goal to reach for, to aim for. It scares me though i must say.

Tonight I almost went to the store and got a cookie after my friend dropped me off. I played the tape through and did not!! I think I should meditate if I'm not going to binge.. some issues are coming up!

[Nina Kay]

I DID NOT BINGE LAST NIGHT!! I am so so happy. My day has been SO MUCH BETTER?!?? It was such a happy feeling to hear my alarm this morning and as I opened my eyes I realized... I dont feel sick! I dont feel like dying! I'm ok!

WAY TO GO !!!! I have felt the morning after that you describe so many times and it's awesome. It just makes me wonder why I have ever even been tempted to binge at night again. But that's addiction for ya. We will recover. I am so happy for your success. I wish for you many many more successes.

[liveweyerd]

WOW!
You are doing so well!
I am a little jealous , I am such a slow learner!!

Just in case you are interested there is a great codependency thread in the newcomer's daily support group.
I am finding it insightful and helpful on a daily basis.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

[girlontherocks]

Hello again
thanks live, I will check that thread out FOR SURE!!!!!

So.. I guess it's up and down right? But I binged yesterday, on healthy stuff mind you, I even wolfed down three bowls of all-bran (haha)... Today I woke up late, as I always do when I binge. Stumbled into work and munched on a muffin. The thoughts in my head were: "youre so fat the think youre disgusting you will be alone forever you are so fat!"............ but then after work i went to the gym and did 30 min cardio. It's helping. So i'm going to do what you guys are teaching me: pick myself up and STOP BEATING MYSELF UP. today is a new day. right now is a new moment. I WILL RECOVER!!!!!!

Is there a trick to stopping thinking I am so fat? Cause it doesnt get me anywhere it just makes things so much worse but each time i get a glimpse of myself I sigh and shake my head.....