Purged today

[pinkgurl87]

I purged today for the first time in over a month. I feel bad but in a way I feel good to get the food out of me. I found since I haven't been using the eating disorder voice is getting stronger. Though the cravings for drugs are also getting stronger. I don't know... I hate these not using and then ed behaviour comes back. though I am pretty fat and need to lose weight but still.

[Nina Kay]

Hello pinkgurl. I'm really sorry that you've had a set-back. It does sound like you've done great with not-purging for quite a while. That is progress. I'm happy that you came here to hold yourself accountable and seek some support. I think that is a really positive step. I do hope that you'll keep reaching out to us and all other avenues of help.

I found since I haven't been using the eating disorder voice is getting stronger.

When you say this, it makes me feel that you need to make sure that you commit to some face2face meetings for your addictions. It sounds like you are saying that when you can't cover your problems with one thing then you'll replace that with another something to cover or avoid dealing with the real underlying issues. That really is what we're all doing with our different addictions.

The 12-step programs are a way of being honest with ourselves so that we can uncover our real underlying issues that lead us to think that we need to overindulge in something. We really won't get well until we can be honest with ourselves enough to uncover and admit the real underlying problem that we're running from, but we can't get away from it because it is within us. We have to consciously deal with the original problem if we hope to ever recover.

I hope you'll keep coming back here.
(((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))

[pinkgurl87]

The thing is I know this is tramua related I think I was suppost to do a trauma program but I couldn't handle it got kicked out for using so I know it's trauma stuff behind both the ed and the using. I don't know how to deal with it I tried dealing but it didn't work not ready but how am i suppose to get better if I can't deal with the past. I purged again today this time supper Idk. Still craving and stuff Idk.

[TinyDancer82]

I originally came on here for support with a husband who I THINK is an alcoholic. Then I found the ED recovery forum. And I myself am a Bulimic/anorexic/former user still in recovery and will be in it FOREVER. So I thought I would join the conversation.

Drugs and bulimia I believe are so interchangeable. No one would understand unless you were in it yourself. When I was bulimic I would think, gosh if I just had endless supplies of coke then I would never have to be bulimic again. But then I would be a coke addict, and then more problems would present themselves. It is a constant struggle. I get it. And nothing is "more acceptable" than the other.

I will tell you the FIRST problem statement that really stood out for me in your first post. When you said "though I am pretty fat and need to lose weight but still" I thought - why wouldn't you use and purge? That kind of thinking is your biggest obstacle. Until you get over this FAULTY thinking you will never be able to overcome your addictions. You are the controller of your thoughts. Until you place your thoughts elsewhere you will be consumed by the addictions every minute of every hour. And the second you think they are gone they will reappear out of no where.

Start thinking to yourself - I am a good person. My weight DOESN'T matter. I am important to "my mom, my dad, my friend, etc... whoever it might be"..... And so on. It may sound really cliche but this technique has been very effective with people like us. Who think we are fat, ugly, worthless. We ARE what we THINK! So think better about yourself. You will realize that good people dont need drugs or ED behavior.

Oh yeah, and FORGIVE yourself when you slip. I am about 8 years out of treatment and still have my slips with the bulimia and restricting. It is a never ending battle because food is always there. But you know this.

Love yourself

[Nina Kay]

Hi TinyDancer and Welcome to the ED forum. I really appreciate your sharing your experience, strength & hope here. I do hope that you'll keep coming back often.

Pinkgurl, I really hope that you'll try what Tiny suggested. I was wondering if there was any way that you could get started seeing a counselor of some kind. Maybe one that is very studied in post traumatic syndrome. You know like one - on - one. Please keep coming back here to share. I really do believe that you will find help here if you hang in here with us. (((((((((((((((Friend Hugs)))))))))))))

[pinkgurl87]

Thanks guys.... today and yesterday was better maybe just a little lapse back into behaviour. Still hard though like I feel like purging right now but ya that's not a smart idea. I wish this all would just go away the eating disorder the cravings for drugs the self-harm that I sometimes do. I guess I have to deal with the underlying problem and stuff deal with the trauma that I've experienced and why I'm using unhealthy coping methods. Though I wish there was some magic pill that you could take that makes everything better. No more eating disorder, drugs , self-harm, depression etc.

[adore79]

Hi pink, I have also found that when I am sober (22 days this time) my purging cravings and self harm cravings start coming back. I've purged a couple times in the last two months, which isnt good but better than everday. As I work a spiritual program I am becoming a tiny bit more comfortable with myself everyday and that is helping.

You should def look into counselling for the trauma. It helped me and continues to help, if nothing else, talking to the therapist is a great release. Big hugs!

[jerect]

I purged today too.. and at work no less.. I'm so mad at myself right now.. but what can I do.. I just have to climb back on this wagon and start over..

[Nina Kay]

Hi adore and welcome. I hope that you'll consider coming back here and sharing your ESH with us, often.

[Nina Kay]

Hi jerect. I'm really glad that you're back here and posting. I hope that you'll come back here more often. For me, I had to commit to coming back here daily to post and hold myself accountable. As long as I do that and with complete honesty, I am helped immensely.
I'm so sorry that you had a bad set-back today, but I really don't think that you need to beat yourself up over it. You wouldn't kick someone else that you cared for when they were already down would you? Well, you deserve the same kindness that you would give anyone else. I'm impressed that you are getting right back up to go at it again and I know that you should be proud of yourself for having that kind of conviction toward recovery & health and that you have that kind of strength of character. Please keep coming back here often. I believe that you need us and I know that we need you to share with us and others that are struggling with your same particular eating disorder. You don't ever have to deal with this alone again. Together we can do what we could never do alone.
((((((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))))))