So full of self hatred and guilt over food

[TigerLili]

I have never had a healthy r'ship with food. I've been bullimic and anorexic at different times but the main problem is that I am a compulsive overeater and I don't know how to control it. I don't WANT to stop, but I know I need to. Every day I am filled with guilt, shame and remorse about my eating. I am 4 months sober in AA. I'm 39 now and over the last five years my weight ballooned up to just over 200 pounds at the end of 2007. I have lost just over 30 pounds since then but now I'm gaining it back and I'm so scared.

I just don't know how to stop over eating. I ask my HP to make me willing to be willing to not over eat just for today, to take the obsession and compulsion away, but I just end up stuffing my face and getting fatter and fatter. I hate myself, I hate food, I hate that I feel so awful all the time. I hate that food and weight take up so much space in my head. I hate myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I just despise everything about myelf. I tell myself tht if I can't drink any more, I need to eat because it's the only comfort that I have. I haven't had a decent relationship, ever. I've had a few short term boyfriends, was married once in my early 20's for a few months. All I have is food. I used to have alcohol too, and giving up junk food is more than I think I can bear. i don't know if I will be ok if I stop over eating. How will I feel? Will I feel better? How do I sustain it when it's so easy to buy junk food, when it's so available? To buy alcohol, I have to make a special trip to a liquor store. It's not just 'there'.

At work, I am right near the cafeteria. I can pop in multiple times a day for candy bars, sodas, cookies etc. I don't know how to stop. I just don't know what to do. I can't do this any more but I don't know how to stop.

[cali]

WOW....this seems like me posting under another name!!!!!!

I am also 39 and a compulsive overeater. My weight also reached almost 200 last year, and I also lost just over 30 pounds last summer.....I have also gained just about all of it back................

I am starting to look at me eating like I looked at my alcoholism. As I worked the steps of AA for my alcoholism, I was able to see clearly why I "chose" to continue drinking, and that the drinking was symptom of much deeper rooted issues.

Because I have an addictive personality, it is easy for me to just "transfer" to another addiction......I SEE VERY CLEARLY that I have a lot more step work to do but this time to directly relate it to my bindging, and compulsivity when it comes to sugar and certain foods.

The bottom line for me, is the same person I was will continue to over-eat...just like the person I "was" will drink again--that's why I had to do all the step work....
steps=change.

You have reminded me yet again, that I am not alone---that there are others out there "just like me".

Thank you for helping me today---
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TigerLili]

Hi Cali! So glad you can relate. I have a hereditary pre-diabetic condition so I have fairly compelling reasons to manage my food intake. I started taking a psychiatric med a few months ago and that's when my food issue started spiralling out of control again.

I have a new sponsor who is taking me through the big book, but we aren't up to the steps yet.

[mxchaos]

Have you talk to your Pdoc about the meds and the weight? I'm not a doc but have been on almost all kinds of psych meds and some don't make you gain weight or crave food.

I know my relationship is at the other pole than yours but I still have a bad relationship with food.

I think a good tdoc and gp working together can help you beat this . I've been working hard this year at getting healthy so my meds would work better and I won't end up in the hospital. It's a struggle but if I can get sober I should be able to beat this.

Glad your working the steps I hope you can find support for the eating which I believe isn't really about the food at all.

[TigerLili]

Oh yeah it's totally not about the food. I talked to my psych about the meds and weight gain today and she said to try and stay with the feelings rather than trying to push them away with food to avoid getting into a self destructive cycle of binging and self-hatred. She said the feelings will pass, even if they are intensely unpleasant until they do etc. Easier said than done. She said to just practice and do my best. She's very nice. I'm glad I found her. I've had some dreadful shrinks in the past.

What's a tdoc?

[ChangeIsHard]

This sounds like me. I find that for me - if i eat certain things - mostly sugar - once I start, i can't stop. I used to need 'stock piles' of candy bars and foods to be at ease during the day - just knowing they are there for me when i need them. The key is to not start eating that crap in the day. You need to change what you eat to healthy things, and you really start craving those bad foods MUCH less.

Recently I read a book called "Why Can't I Stop Eating?". It is amazing. It's all about compulsive eating - what's at the root of it. And the book suggests that for overeaters, sugar acts a lot like alcohol does for alcoholics. We can't help it, sugar 'triggers' for us to keep eating, and basically overrides our 'off switch' that should normally tell us to 'stop eating, we're full'. Basically the book says you need to cut all excessive sugars from you diet, and goes about outlining workable ways to make that happen.

but it means:

no cookies
no cakes
no junk food

you can still have natural sugars from fruits.

I was truly amazed when i read this book - i recognized myself so much in there. The book basically follows a 12 step plan modelled after AA. It's a really good read. I suggest it.

You can do it. Once you start to change the habits, it gets easier. The motivation really starts to snowball once you get into a program. Starting is the hard part.

good luck
believe in yourself

[girlontherocks]

I relate to all the self hatred. I have gained probably 20 pounds in the past 9 months due to nightly bingeing. My perception of my body is so crazy I dont know if I'm fat, chubby, normal, average, whatever. Even at my skinniest, I am obsessed about food control and how "fat I look".
75% of the time, the thoughts going through my head are: I am so fat, everyone hates me, everyone thinks I am repulsive, nobody could ever love a fat girl like me, my body is so disgusting, i am such a failure, i cant do everything right, oh my god my ass is HUGE, oh look she is so skinny she must be so happy the boys must love her................
My solution to this? eat. eat more. get bigger. eat. hate myself.
IT IS HELL. I know that if I dont stop this I am going to start using meth again or kill myself. I am not even joking. So today I am trying something different: A MANTRA. I have been saying over and over in my head "God is everything". I need to heal my insides. I need to feel the love of my higher power if I am going to treat myself lovingly. I am at my breaking point. Anymore of this, if I get any larger, if I fail one more exam because of my binging or wake up late because of my purging..... welll.... I am very scared of that happening. Petrified. If I pass a certain limit there is no going back, I will have to use because it will be too scary to walk around with more self hatred and bitter loneliness.........

[nbailey71]

I have lost 70 lbs but all i want to do is eat and sugar is my trigger I am going to go look for that book . I work in food service surrounded by food all the time it is awful.and its all junk there is no healthy food there unless i bring it in .

[Wednesday]

Originally Posted by ChangeIsHard

Recently I read a book called "Why Can't I Stop Eating?". It is amazing. It's all about compulsive eating - what's at the root of it. And the book suggests that for overeaters, sugar acts a lot like alcohol does for alcoholics. We can't help it, sugar 'triggers' for us to keep eating, and basically overrides our 'off switch' that should normally tell us to 'stop eating, we're full'. Basically the book says you need to cut all excessive sugars from you diet, and goes about outlining workable ways to make that happen.
but it means:
no cookies
no cakes
no junk food
you can still have natural sugars from fruits.
I was truly amazed when i read this book - i recognized myself so much in there. The book basically follows a 12 step plan modelled after AA. It's a really good read. I suggest it.

Thank you, I might look for this book. I notice when I have stopped consuming so much alcohol I crave sugar like crazy as a substitute and I have gained nearly 14 pounds since I drank last (less than 3 weeks!)