feeling guilty when i eat..

[123bubblegum123]

hey, my name's rachel and i usually post on the AA/NA forums, but ever since getting sober i've become extremely controlling (and limited) with my eating. i got down to less than 500 calories a day for a while, just out of the need to control everything. i quickly started eating more, but i'm still very restrictive. i honestly only eat the following: cottage cheese & pineapple, light & fit yogurts, apples & peanut butter, celery & peanut butter, hard boiled egg whites, grilled cajun chicken on salad (lettuce and cucumbers), and lots of caffeine. It's depressing the heck out of me, but any time I eat anything fun or delish, I feel very guilty and upset..

any suggestions? I'm really struggling with this, and my sponsor is bulemic so I can't really turn to her for this..

[Theresa]

How about starting your day off tomorrow with a good breakfast: oatmeal or eggs. This will curb your appetite until about lunch so that you don't need to think about food for a bit. Also, if weight gain is what is driving you to limit your eating, you can relax. Food you eat for breakfast won't make you fat (unless you are buying it McDonalds or someplace like that.) Just start with a healthy (not sugary breakfast) and go from there. Your body will love you for it. Take care.

[123bubblegum123]

i actually always eat breakfast - usually hard broiled egg whites and a yogurt or rice cakes or whatever. i'm not sure what my problem is, i guess I just really miss being able to eat fun foods and it's just bugging me.

[Theresa]

Why do you want to avoid fun foods?

[123bubblegum123]

i'm not even sure! i just have started randomly associating "fun foods" (i.e. anything that isnt a whole grain, low cal/low fat protein) as bad - and i work out everyday, walk every where, i know im not fat, i think it's a sense of control to replace the drugs but it's getting annoying.

[Theresa]

Bubblegum, I heading off to bed. You are doing SO well with your sobriety. Don't be hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with having a little fun with our life and our food. Life and treats were meant to be good. Have a treat and skip a meal to make up for it if you need to. A hug is sent your way.

[Theresa]

Okay, I get it. Because I'm not drinking I have been eating more sweets. But I don't let myself get too guilty about it. I seem to need to do something in a nervous, unthinking manner to make up for the nervous, unthinking drinking I used to do lol

[Theresa]

I think I drank in response to my efforts to control all the things that I thought were wrong with my life. I thought about these things and tried so hard all day to fix them that I kinda relaxed into drinking to at the end of the day. I finally have given up on trying to control so much. I'm not completely there yet, but I keep reminding myself (like about hourly) that none of this really matters: I just need to enjoy what is right here, right now, be it my work, the person that I am talking to, or the thing that I am eating.

Can you let go a bit of your need to control everything and just let things be?

[123bubblegum123]

yea its too stupid to worry about haha i think that as long as i dont eat past 9 i'll be okay. plus i am so low on meal points - i'll have no choice but to live on raman and easy mac so whatever! girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do lol i go to the gym erryday too so im all set

thanks for your input though hun!

[pinkgurl87]

Hey Rachel nice name that's my name too. I've been where you are I know what it's like to restrict and be afraid of food. It's easy for me to say to try eating better because I know it's a lot harder then that. Are you seeing anyone for this a cousellor , therapist. Tell your doctor that you are struggling. It's quiet normal for people to swicth between eating disorder and addictions, that's what my therapist said today. I started with ED first then switched to having an addiction. Don't let it get out of control it only gets worse. I know your scared to eat and that's why you need to get some sort of treatment get some help. Eating disorders are brutal I've been there and I say life much better without them. So get help when you can. Under 500 cals is way tooo little to be eating you need 1500-2000 cals a day. Starving yourself just leads to heartache and can lead to binging as well. Binging not a fun cycle to get into. Take care of yourself and please get some help hun. Also the exercise thing watch that because that can get out oof control as well.

I'm hoping myself that now I'm trying to clean up that my eating disorder doesn't come back myself, I was anorexic for a while then it switched to Bulimia.

[Nina Kay]

I just wanted to say Welcome bubblegum & pinkgurl. I don't think that I've personally met either of you. I'm glad that you've found us here on the Eating Disorders Forum and I'm also glad that you've found one another. You are both really young so maybe the two of you can really help one another with your eating disorders.

I hope that you'll both keep coming back here often. There are alot of us here who have alot of ESH to share with you that might be helpful w/ aiding you in your recovery. Please just read as much as you can and post often so that we can support you both. You'll find lots of useful information and links in the Stickies above. Keep coming back.

[Nina Kay]

I want to Welcome you to this Forum also Theresa. I don't think that I've ever personally talked with you before either. Please come back here as often as you possibly can and let us get to know you better.