Bulimic Relapse and new here

[nthngrtboutme]

Hi I am new and relapsed after approx 20 yrs of recovery.

I was bulimarexic before I got married. When I became pregnant and then married, I stopped cold turkey and never looked back. I guess I felt loved and a sense of responsibility to my baby and husband and self.

I got divorced - then a few relationships later, the last one to a demeaning addict, I ended up bulimic again.

This relationship ruined me on so many levels. I got counseling and went to Naranon but it hasnt stopped this rollercoaster of feeling like an unloveable failure.

The addict contacted one of my ex bfs who was abusive to me and decided it would be fun to terrorize me via emails and practical jokes. Part of the reason I ended the relationship is the immaturity of both of them.

I feel really bad about myself and feel hungry a lot. But even when i am not hungry i am angry at what a failure I am. i dont want to date or go out with friends anymore. After my marriage ended things got worse for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety but was doing well until I dated the addict. I started to get sick along with his illness. I had to get out of it.

I find myself angry so much now. I feel like a loser and useless and unloved. I wish I never got divorced seeing the kind of dating scene out there now. I dont even feel like trying anymore.

Counseling really didnt help - I tried but the two exes wouldnt stop harassing me and I felt more and more useless and hated. How could two adult men find joy in this? It worked. I wish they would leave me alone.

Please help me. I am so afraid.

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by nthngrtboutme

Hi I am new and relapsed after approx 20 yrs of recovery.

I was bulimarexic before I got married. When I became pregnant and then married, I stopped cold turkey and never looked back. I guess I felt loved and a sense of responsibility to my baby and husband and self.

I got divorced - then a few relationships later, the last one to a demeaning addict, I ended up bulimic again.

This relationship ruined me on so many levels. I got counseling and went to Naranon but it hasnt stopped this rollercoaster of feeling like an unloveable failure.

The addict contacted one of my ex bfs who was abusive to me and decided it would be fun to terrorize me via emails and practical jokes. Part of the reason I ended the relationship is the immaturity of both of them.

I feel really bad about myself and feel hungry a lot. But even when i am not hungry i am angry at what a failure I am. i dont want to date or go out with friends anymore. After my marriage ended things got worse for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety but was doing well until I dated the addict. I started to get sick along with his illness. I had to get out of it.

I find myself angry so much now. I feel like a loser and useless and unloved. I wish I never got divorced seeing the kind of dating scene out there now. I dont even feel like trying anymore.

Counseling really didnt help - I tried but the two exes wouldnt stop harassing me and I felt more and more useless and hated. How could two adult men find joy in this? It worked. I wish they would leave me alone.

Please help me. I am so afraid.

Hey there,

Welcome to SR~

I can relate to some of the things you mentioned, I was bulimarexic for most of my life. It's only been 3 years that I've had it mostly under control.
Haven't purged in a little over 3 years, which is amazing for me.

There are days like today when things happen that I wonder why I am in recovery, it seems like it was easier when I just kept everything inside
and ran my life the way I thought it should be. Then you don't get hurt.
People don't get to hurt you, or that's how I think. I decided to give in today but at the last minute stopped, because I could hear my addict mind start planning before I even started again.

My point (I think) is that no matter what is going on in our life, going back to our ED never helps.. You know it starts up a whole new set of problems, self loathing, that ED voice, lower self esteem, etc. What do you need to do to get back into recovery?

Those men who are giving you a hard time in reality have nothing to do with you. What people do is about them, not you.
Some people will use you as a punching bag and control you their passive-aggresive behavior if you let them. You don't have to let them.

You get to be the center of your own universe, no one else.
Your boundaries are yours to create. They are stepping over them
and into yours.

You said you wish you had never gotten divorced. Life is never over till it's over. I think you are selling yourself short. You can live a great life, it is out there.


Keep posting and Keep Talking, We're here for you!

[mxchaos]

Have you been to a doc about the anxiety? Therapy is good to help sort things out. If talk therapy didn't help try CBT or DBT therapy they help you deal with emotions by teaching you skills to deal with them.

By far my ED is the hardest thing to deal with and I couldn't do it with out the support of a good doc and therapist. I have along way to go before I've kicked my bad habits but I'm maintaining my weight and working on taking babysteps doing healthy things for my mind and body.

Keep talking here it helps

[nthngrtboutme]

Thank you both. I have been in therapy for yrs.

I am not with those men now because it triggered me into my ed. 20 yrs was quite a lovely break.


I agree about realizing I dont have to give in to it - It is not as automatic as it once was. I actually think before I re-engaged and really see it is not worth it nor does it solve anything. It doesnt relieve any pressure...it makes it worse.

I used to have dreams I relapsed and woke up crying. Now those dreams are proven real. I used too purge several times a day and had to leave college at one point.

I was so happy when I no longer saw food as the enemy. I balanced it and avoided setting myself up for trigger foods until I could get some better recovery tools to pull out. It worked.

I miss the stability I had in my marriage. With my kids gone now I feel useless and alone and unloveable. Im trying to change it in therapy. I am very sad I relapsed after all this time and it makes me feel like such a failure - as though those 20 yrs meant nothing if I just went right back into it.

This time I am older and wiser. Just wish I could realize it does not have to continue and mean I am a screw up. Anyone else feel like this after a relapse??????? I need to hear from you if so. Please.

[mxchaos]

I 42 and never lived alone until 3 months ago when we split up and I moved out leaving my teens to live with their dad till I could learn how to be healthy. Not an easy thing I too felt useless and such. with the guidance of my tdoc I've learned to have a better relationship with the kids and my husband.

Choosing healthy things is not easy and by far eating disorders are a life long struggle,stop beating yourself up it won't help. take some baby steps toward change and things will get better

good luck

[Nina Kay]

nthngrtboutme, Welcome to the Eating Disorders Forum of SR. I do hope that you'll keep coming back here. I don't have much to add to what the others have already said, but I did want to tell you that You've accomplished 20 years in recovery from a horrific eating disorder. Maybe you've slipped a bit now, but that by no means makes you any where near a failure. What you've accomplished is awesome and there aren't many people with any sort of an eating disorder, that has been able to maintain abstinence for any where near 20 years. You are a glowing success and I am amazed that you could sustain it for that long. Hold your head up high and be proud of your accomplishments !!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Done_With_It]

How are you doing? Any better?

[TinyDancer82]

Oh wow, your story was very familiar to me. I bounce back and forth ALL THE TIME! I also struggled, got better, went back and forth, then when I got pregnant went cold turkey, felt great and then started going back to bulimia when my relationship with my husband started going bad. Although we are together, it just is always my comfort for when I have a problem.

I think that us bulimirexics as you referred to it I think (I just call myself an A/B) are always going to have those slips. Its not like we are cocaine addicts and we can just stay away from the coke. FOOD IS ESSENTIAL! It is unavoidable! We do not get enough credit for doing as well as we do.

The men probably have something to do with what is going on here, but really if the ED was "gone" it wouldn't have come back. Your "stinking thinking" (which I am sure you heard enough in treatment) just never went away. Somewhere back in your head there is something that is still telling you you aren't important or good enough to stop hurting yourself. This is where you need to start. Forget those guys. Their actions aren't going to "make" you do anything. Sure its a terrible and stressful situation, but your confidence level and self-respect is what is going to keep you away from participating in ED behaviors. FIND THAT CONFIDENCE, whether it be with your therapist or from some kind of support group. You need to remind yourself you are worth taking care of, even if its just for yourself. You are important and need to be cared for as well

Love yourself