a decade of pain

[dancingkat]

food is my love and my hate. i abuse it like a drug at times by either eating it and purging it or going without it for a long time. I get a high of the starvation and the purging. I am also an addict in mnay areas of life. another big one is alcohol. over the last decade i have spun back and forth tween all these addictions. now i am in a restriction cycle with some purging and no drinking. I tried to check into a program called SAFE (self abuse finally ends) but my insurance was screwed up since i had recently moved and they couldnt take me. yet soon i hope to try it again. i cant give up. i am almost 31 and an i so so tired of all this. i am tired of seeking the rush and abusing my body for that satisfaction. I want kids someday and i want to be a good mother and go back to masters school and be happy wiht my life. Also being borderline personality does complicate all these addictions extremely. Lately i am depressed (or at least today- yesterday i was manic) and feel like i wish i could die to be rid of the pain of the non stop addictions. yet of course i dont plan to kill myself. i am deeply depressed. I am looking forward to tomorrow where i finally can get back on medications to stabilize my moods and perhaps help in hopefully a final recovery from all this. Meds do help alot - the urges to do all those bad things are less and so often i can get through days doing better for myself.

[Gambaru]

Welcome dancingkat. Nice nickname btw. There's a lot of fantastic information on here. Take your time going through it and keep moving forward, slowly but surely, one day, one hour, one minute at a time if necessary.

[Nina Kay]

Hello dancingkat.

Welcome to the Eating Disorders Forum of SR. I'm glad to see that you found us here. There will be others to come along later to welcome you and to share with you, their experience, strength and hope. All of us here are dealing with eating disorders.

There is alot of information here too. Have you read the Stickies at the top of the forum, yet? If not, I hope that you will, as they are full of alot of information and links to others places of information. I also hope that you'll keep coming back and posting and reading. There are alot of very supportive and understanding people here, too. So keep coming back.

[historyteach]

Hi, dancingkat;
And welcome to SR!

You've gotten some great information above.
I also welcome you to the mental health forum. There, you will find others who share the same experiences with depression and mania.

Please continue to take good care of yourself. You're worth it.

Shalom!

[barb dwyer]

nonstop addictions.

I like how you put that.

I know - sometimes it feels like trying to leave a handprint in a bucket of water.

[dancingkat]

ty. yes they always seem non stop. like when i sober up from alcohol for a long time then another addiction steps up to take its place. some are ok addictions like when i go through a cleaning phase - i clean forever in an OCD way and its never good enough till i exhaust myself and then another addiciton replaces that one. never ending it seems