Ghosts

[kelliegirl]

It's been a while since I've been here.

I am still going to the gym but I had taken a hiatus the two weeks prior to this one. I don't have my eating under control but I am not gaining any weight. Since I started going to the gym in July I am down 25 pounds. I don't attribute it all to exercise though; I am stressed.

My marriage is on the rocks but I am not as sad about that as I used to be. We've talked about things and the way I see it we can't be happy and be together. I am tired of living his life. What I mean by that is, I've always done what he wanted (we don't go out, we don't go on vacation etc) and I've never had a life of my own.

I want to taste freedom instead of junk food/bad food/too much food but I can't stop punishing myself with it. I go ok for a few days but then my emotions spin out and I eat. It depresses me.

I go to a counselor every other week so I do have some release for the stress. Today's session was particularly grueling for me. I feel so tired and unloved and unattractive. My friends tell me they see the changes in my body; all I see is the 100 pounds that I need to lose. Most men won't give me the time of day because I am fat. No one wants to see me for me.

[Pony]

Kelliegirl, it'great to see ya here. I am sorry that your marriage isn't working out, but sometimes it is time to move on from relationships. I here you aboutthe freedom. That's where I am at also with my relationships....or lack of them. I am currantly moving on from an 11 yr. relationship, but not into another one. NOT yet. I need time for me and my daughter. I am still living with her father, but am working on finding a place of my own.

Meanwhile, things can get stressful so I hear ya about the eating thing. My food hasn't been to great either. At least you are exercising and keeping us with your councelor. These are all very good things. Just keep doing the next right thing....take care and keep focus on "you" and the rest (ie: guys and stuff) will follow. (I completely understand when you say that no one sees you for you.. and about feeling unloved and unattractive...I feel that very same way every day.)
But, hon, WE need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and see ourselves from the inside out... as well, if we expect others to see us.

Let it shine girl.....you are down 25 lbs.... good for you. You are starting a new free life... step outside the comfort zone and be adventurous. Just one step and one day at a time.

[BigSis]

(((kelli))) You are not alone. Lots of us are on a similar path.

Mr. Big and I have divorced, reconciled, remarried, been on the rocks again and are currently having a pretty good marriage. But it has not been an easy one, not by a long shot.

Each change found me "eating my feelings". Then I would get obsessive - either about what I was NOT eating, or about over exercising... and lose 50 or 60 pounds... then they would all come back.

Today, I am going to OA meetings and seeking a spiritual solution. I don't want to obsess about the NOT eating any more than I obsessed about the eating! In part, sugar is a trigger for me ... if I eat it, I eat more and more and more .... So I work on not eating any obvious sugars... not in sweets, foods or drinks.

This is helping me in a way I haven't before experienced, and I am happier with my body than I've been in a long time.

But it is not an overnight solution.. it is a long-term series of TEENY, TINY changes.

If you have some OA meetings in your area, you might give some of them a try... and do try several. Of all the 12-step programs, I've struggled most with finding an OA meeting that fits me. For me the spiritual part of the program - the traditions and the steps are paramount, "food plans" and controlling are what I want to avoid.

Please check in again, you deserve the best in life... the best love, the best friends and the best of times. (((hugs)))