I AM Desperate~!!

[Cathy31]

Hi I'm Cathy, I'm a recovering alcoholic...and over the past 18 months of sobriety (which has been awesome) so many great things have happened...lost weight, got fit, have grown spiritually, etc etc etc In fact, my life is really, really wonderful...except...especially over the last few months I appear to have developed a raging eating disorder?!? i never ate well, and i used to obv get a lot of sugar from alcohol..however, from bingeing (which was acceptable to me to be honest) once a week...I am now BINGEING every single day!?!?!??!! I feel totally and utterly out of control. It is PRECISELY as powerful, if not moreso, than my alcohol addiction was and I just hate myself so much. I am starting to put on weight again...i feel sluggish, can't get up in the mornings. I don't exercise if I've binged, and recently I've just ditched the gym becuase I feel what's the point if I'm bingeing anyway.

I am desperate! i have tried a number of things...praying, (perhaps not hard enough) one OA meeting, perhaps i should go back...I just do not know what to do!!!!!! I am using my eating to isolate, to be unreliable, leave work early, not get up in the morinings etc etc When my (AA) sponsor says i am trying to fill a 'hole' or 'gap' with food my mind darts off somewhere else cause i don't want to think about that...is bingeing always about some emotional issue, or can it just be a bad habit??! i guess i don't want to have to delve into myself too much LOL! i am not purging thank god, unless one counts excessive exercise when i do get a sugar free day. I mainly starve (actaully dislike 'eating' actually i've realised) and then binge on chocolate.

i don't know what i am asking for except any kind of advice and insight anyone might be able to offer. It is really ruining my life in so many ways. I live alone so i can't ask someone to police me, not that that helped in the past with alcohol anyway lol!

hoping i can get a clue how to address this

cahty31
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[roxiestone]

Cathy31,

I do understand how you feel. In fact, I could have written your letter ten years ago. I binged my way to an hundred pound weight gain in a little over a year.

One of the things that I discovered is that (big surprise) I ate to self-soothe, to not feel anxious, to make myself sleep, etc. and for me, eating processed foods - baked goods, pastas, sweets, candy, etc. just made the bingeing worse. So I gave myself permission to eat as much as I wanted of more healthy foods and that seemed to reduce the cycle enough so that I could gain some control and perspective and begin to look at what I was really feeling.

I don't have the magic piece of advice, but only empathetic feelings for you - and another perspective - you live alone and there is no one to police you, but you are also in complete control of your environment - what you bring into your house to surround yourself with. I know for me, I had to clean up my environment in order to clean up myself and I am now maintaining a 105 pound weight loss.

I wish you peace.

[Cathy31]

Roxie, thank you so much that means an awful lot, I am going to think very hard about what you say - I particularly like giving oneself permission to eat as much healthy food as you like...and that I can control my environment..it's scary to even begin thinking about what I REALLY feel...but i need to do that anyway as part of my recovery....thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words.
cathy31
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[dave47]

Hi Cathy,sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment.Congrats on the 18 month sober and everything else during that time and i hope i can do the same.At least you are in a much better position than you were when you decided to stop drinking.I've managed just over 5 weeks alcohol free and have found it quite easy.Trying to stop eating some of the foods i have eaten for years is proving troublesome,and i have found the 100 days without OS(obvious sweets/sugars) thread has helped me and given me motivation.I just try to keep busy and make sure i have plenty of fruit and veg because i like to snack.Best wishes Cathy and in my prayers.

[Cathy31]

Wow, thanks Dave your post made me feel real good and real hopeful thank you!

... 5 weeks is soooo good, well done!!!!!! Just keep it in the day and great idea re the fruit and veg - my worst lol but great idea! I think I am going to join the OS thread too!! From tomorrow cause today has been a bit of a disaster, however not as bad as yesterday...I like the saying 'each day a new beginning ...." Addiction is hell, but there IS a solution and each day we ARE blessed with a new beginning, it's just so frustrating falling again and again... Forward we go though! thank you again!

cathy31
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[Hope]

Cathy, wish I had some great words of encouragement for you but the truth is that I'm struggling with the same thing. I don't know how to make it stop. I'm trying though.

I know there's hope so let's hang in there together.

I guess we just take the eating thing like we did when we stopped drinking... one day at a time..

Hugs for ya hon..