It is a new day in a new week!!

[Pony]

Well my new day started out.....well kind of good. I have many things going on and many issues to deal with that I just don't want to. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and like things are just closing down arond me. I had a good weekend as far as events. It was very busy on Sat. with birthday parties and baby showers and then my daughter basketball game and to top off the evening the retirement dinner (I already posted about on the thread). But on Sunday I was able to catch my breath. It's just other ongoing stuff, you know "life" that's seems to be getting to me. For one I my second oldest daughter is....I guess...missing -in-action. No-one has seen or heard from her in days. this is the one that just had her baby. Now this is kind of par for the course for her to just go off and not be condierate enough to tell someone, but this time it seems different. For one she took the baby with her with just the diaper bag. No clothes for her or the baby, no extra stuff for the baby like to sleep in. She just moved back in with her day this last week and was supposed to be looking for a job. Her dad said that everything had been fine...no arguments or anything. she just came home one afternoon nad left a note or something that she was taking the baby to the doc. and hasn't been seen since. Now my ex just thinks that she off on another one of her little whatevers, so he's not gong to call the police, but he is going to call the children's services. I don't know what they can do....I just hope that they are both ok.

The rest of which in all on my mind to deal with seems so small conpared to not knowig where she and the baby are, also too much to list here. Today does feel a bit better than yesterday...but sometimes I just don't know.........it hits me like a ton of bricks and then I feel like I just can't cope. Anyone else know what I mean. Sometimes I feel alone in that. I feel like I was doing really good for a while and then ....BAM ...right back to taking it one day at a time. The urge to just want to totally ripped has been so strong lately (There I finally said it outloud--kind of) but my determination to not has triggered some really bad eating habits for reaching for the wrong things and definately the wrong times, like the middle of the night. Well last night I fought that off, so that was good, but still I just feel disappointed in myself that I'm not further along with my goals and my recovery. Sometime it seems like I am and then back I go!! I just know that I can't buckle under to the pressure. I just wish I had someone here that truely understands.....I know someone out here does, because you all have been there/here and done that!!!

I know what I need to do is take a breath, step back, and start working my program/steps and maybe writing in my notebook. But coming here and sharing has at least helped me release some of this pent up crap. I feel so guilty about still having that urge to escape into nothingness and numbness. What I can't believe is that my mother, who knows how many times I have lost control drinking and has had lots of years herself in 12-step programs, had the nerve to tell me that quote" you have it under control now, you can go out and have one or two and be fine" and also "It won't hurt you to go out dancing with your co-workers onca a week" (now these are poeple that go out to the bars and drink all night) How can I be around all that constantly and still maintain? It's different here at home with my A drinking. Mostly because I'm busy, but also because I feel I'm the desinated parent that has to take care of things. Also because on weeknights I wouldn't because of having to drive kids the next morning. But to go out in a fun setting....I don't know if I could do that regularly.

I sorry to go on and on. Lately I seem to be doing that. Time for me to get a shower (had a great workout at the gym) and head to work.

thanks for listening

[Pony]

OK, small update..........

I heard from my one daughter that has been out of touch. She left a message with a number I can reach her at. Didn't tell me where she was at, but I at least know that she's OK. Not sure about the baby yet.

Also feeling a bit more at ease tonight about other things that are going on. Made it through another day without cracking up and ending up in a rubber room. lol :-o

Now I think I will go call my dad to meet with me for lunch tomorrow and then go to bed. Maybe I'll stay out of trouble that way. LOL

til tomorrow..........gulp, gulp, gulp AAHhhhh!!

[Paulie]

(((Pony)))

first I am so happy that your daughter called, and I am sure the baby is fine to or she would have said something.

Now, you are not alone in feeling that way at all. Just last week I felt like you. I made a mistake and if affected something that Paul has worked really hard for since we have been clean and I felt like crap. All those old feelings came back for me. I actually thought about drinking, seriously, cause it is available (don't know where any old dope dealers are anymore). I serioulsy entertained the idea, cause I did not want to feel bad for being irresponsbile, just like the old days. but i did exactly what you said you know you should do, I did step work, I talked about it, I even vented to a kind understanding person here at SR . The bottom line is I used the tools I have and I did not use. And neither did you.

My 4 cents says that you should not go out everyweek dancing with friends that are drinking, that is putting myself, speaking for me only, in a position that I should not be in. You know the saying, 'we have to change not only our playmates but also our playgrounds'.

You have been through so much and come through it with such a great attitude and faith, you will come through this to. We are here, vent/post away.

You know I understand picking up food, did that mysefl for a few years, learning each day to change that behavior.

you said somethign about coming so far and then having to take life one day at a time again, that is not a bad thing Pony, that is a good thing, it takes the pressure off of us to have to conquer everythign at once, we just have today, and after we get through that, we have tomorrow, you know what I mean.

Love you Pony and give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, you will get through it, you know what to do, you are already doing it .

[Pony]

Thanks Pauline,

I am feeling pretty good today. I don't feel the wieght of the world on shoulders and I'm going to have luch with my dad
Another reason my spirits are lifted is because YOU and the others here that understand and don't make me feel like a loser because I have those fleeting thoughts. My only worry is that lately they have been hitting me more frequently than in the past. For me that usually means that I am allowing an overload to creep into my life. That's part of the caretakers characteristic in me lol Well anyway, I just cherish you personally for your support....I'm not sure why but I feel some sort of connection to you and we haven't really offically met.....son't get scared now it's not a weird things or anything LOL
You just seem to know how I am feeling and always make me feel really good and that's it's going to be OK. It's nice to have someone truely understand, like you and the rest here at SR. So give yourself a hug from me OK

And thank you for your four cents worth, I love it! I don't think I will go with them. I will keep it to special occasion. I want to, but I don't want to....you know? It's not worth my life!

And your right life is just one day at a time, the rest will take care of it's-self. Just keep reminding me OK I forget!! lol

On a good note....I went to the gym yesterday and today and did a very good cardio workout and some toning. I have lost 10 lbs. in the last two weeks. Just found that out this morning..so I am feeling a natural high today. :shades: :shades: :shades:
I was kind of surprised because my eating hasn't been very healthy....not so much the I overate....just not the right stuff. But anyway.....I'm just going to enjoy it and move forward!!

Drinking that water. I have a frozen water bottle ready to go back to work with me after I have lunch with me dad. Got to go .

Again thanks you're special,

[Paulie]

Wow - you made me tear up...the support we have here with each other and everyone else is amazing. And I too feel a connection with you, I think we are alot alike, I kNOW we are with our eating issues.

CONGRATS on your 10lbs - that is so awesome!!!!!

You said the feeling is hitting you more frequently now, but on the other hand you are also able to identify it and you know what brings it on...overload, that is half the battle my friend!!

my good news - tomorrow is my weigh and measure day so I will update you then...but just now after 8 weeks on my new program and the new gym, I dropped a pants size!!! i just put on 1 size smaller than I have been wearing (I have 4 or 5 sizes in my closes LOL). Anyway I am pretty excited!! After the first 4 weeks I don't know if I told you, I lost 11 inches and 7 lbs., so tomorrow at the 8 week mark, I can't wait to see. I will let you know.

The support here from you and everyone else has helped me so much. And identifying why I eat and what is so important. As you know I am working the steps AGAIN with my sponsor and my food issues are a big part of it and that is also helping tremendously!

I gotta go meet a friend at Fresh Choice for lunch.

love you Pony!!!!

[Pony]

Well now it's my turn to congatulate you on your "one pants size down" !!! Yeah!!!!
I can certainly relate to the many smaller sizes in the closet thing. I hang on to them hoping that I will wear them again....SOON!!
I have maintained as far as size for now, but like I have said lately I haven't been real consistant with the gym and well food.....you know???? Anyway, I am so very happy for you and know that you must be soooo thrilled.

Yes I agree with you that the support we get here from each other and other members has been very instrumental in my identfying my triggers and issues. Without being here I might have not made it through this last bout. This is the only real safe place I have to come and get it out. Well other than my daughter (my 3rd. oldest, the one who is in program now), but she has enough on her shoulders with a new baby and all that I just want to let it out on her. Her and I get so little one on one time together that I just don't want to spend it "crying" on her shoulder with all my woes.

So to Jon & Bob, Thanks for this place!!!!!!!

Looking forward to hearing how your weigh and measure day goes.

Hugs

[Paulie]

Well Pony - I am happy to share with you that I have lost 15 lbs and 17 3/4 inches!!!! in 8 weeks! I am really excited. I also have started cooking foods that I had never even eaten before LOL! alot of fish!!! We bumped up my workout this morning and I seriously think I am going to have a hard time walking tomorrow LOL!

It is about feeling good and feeling good about myself, the whole package you know. And today at 39 years older and sober, I understand that it has to start on the inside! I have to tell myself that I deserve to feel good, that is a real biggie for me.

I hope you are having a great day!!!

Just one day at a time, Right? right???

If we just keep sharing with each other, things will be okay!

[Pony]

Oh WOW!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing the wonderful news with me. Makes me really want to get with it! That is sooooooooo cool I am very happy for you. I almost feel like it was me that's how excited I am for you. YIPPIE!!!!!

You go girl!!!

[Paulie]

- that is so funny, I know exactly what you mean. We can do this Pony, take care of ourselves.

Have a great day!!!

[antreeta]

You guys are great. Pony, I have not quite been what you have been through. But I do have adult children and it seems like I worry so much more about them now than when they were little.

Congrats on everyone's progress.