Can't Control Myself

[ladyamalthea]

I am trying so hard to stop binging... and I can't do it! At least I'm staying away from obvious sugars... but dangit, I feel like I can't stop eating! UGH! I want so badly to lose this weight... I really do. But I am so disappointed in myself. Heck, I can't even eat lunch with the other faculty at the moment because I'm so embarrassed about my lack of willpower. I feel like they're looking at me and looking at what I'm eating and taking mental notes. Thus, by myself I sat in my room today.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I just don't deserve the ability to be thin and healthy and beautiful. I want to cry when I look in the mirror. I want to cry when I think about how much I weighed last week at the doctor's office. I begin to cry when I think about the way people look at me or treat me when they see how big I am. Luckily my students don't disrespect me for it, but it seems like the rest of the world does.

Heck, I even had a guy on myspace whom I've never met before find me at random and send me harrassing messages that said things like, "Try WALKING to KFC" and, "How did they keep the altar from collapsing?" when he saw my wedding pic on my profile. And I've put on weight since that picture! And all I want to do right now is binge... because then I'll get sleepy and eventually drift into dreamland, where I can be as thin as I want to be.

I know I have a problem. I've tried OA, but the only OA meeting near me has no one my age in it, so I feel isolated even there. Those people were all retired and had all day every day to do nothing but eat right and exercise. I drive 45 minutes each way, teach for 5 hours, spend another 4 hours doing things for my classes, going to meetings etc, only to be starving when I get home and eat everything in sight, and then spend another 2 hours working on the next day's activities.

And remember I'm in a hotel right now, so I am very limited to what I can eat. No cooking allowed.

And I want to get to a therapist, but with my work schedule being the way it is, it is almost impossible to get to one without leaving work early once a week, and I can't do that. A doctor's appointment once a month is one thing, but once a week is out of the question.

So what the he** am I supposed to do? Sit here and keep crying? Drown in my own tears?

I know you guys have tried to help me before, and I know I'm saying the same stuff over and over again. But I have to get it out somewhere. I hope you don't mind it being here.

Thanks for everything. I love you guys.

[historyteach]

There are some food we can eat as much as we'd like.
Carrots -- I love those little baby ones and they're really sweet too!
Celery - er...well....they fill the need to chew anyway, lol!
Spinach. I like.
Salads. Make a LARGE one at a supermarket on the way home from school and munch away all night. Just fill it with the right stuff, and stay away from the crutons.
Melons - cantalope; honeydew.
Any ole fruits.
And most veggies too. Cut them into pieces to munch on and you can literally chew all night for a few hundred calories at most!

Here's some other things to try:
Broccoli florets
Apples
Oranges
Pears
Fresh berries
Grapes
Whole-grain bagels
Animal crackers
Pretzels
Salsa and baked tortilla chips
Low-fat cottage cheese
Whole-grain snack crackers
Reduced-calorie, fat-free yogurt

BTW, do you eat breakfast?
Everyday? :nono:
I have come to enjoy a cup of oatmeal with cinamon and sugar free sweetner and milk almost every morning. It is REALLY satisfying. It keeps me satisfied throughout the morning. And, it lowers cholesterol!!! OMG! LOL! Really though, try it. It also maintains a level blood sugar.

Don't worry about saying things over again. When you understand it, you won't have to. When you understand it, you will change your eating patterns. Not all of the time, but, enough of the time so that you can maintain a healthy lifestyle. Remember, we do the best we can do until we know better. Then, we do better.

Hope this helps...

Shalom!

[roxiestone]

I know how you feel. It's just stinks, sometimes.

In the past, when I've been on a binge the thing that has helped me is just trying to switch away from foods that will perpetuate the binge (for me) and shift to eating more healthful foods, without regard to quantity. It seems to help put the brakes on until I can get control of myself again.

[Pony]

I love Teach's response.... Lady, I totally understand where you are... I have been there.... I HAVE BEEN THERE.. too many times to count. Many tears have been shed in front of my mirror as well. It gets overwhelming knowing how much work is involved in changing our habits and our lifestyle to a healthier one. I have been here at this site for 5 yrs. + and I am still grossly overweight. Many times I have wanted to just throw in the towel and give up.....thinking that maybe I was just made to be fat!!! But really it's all about attitude and a decision we make not to give up. It's realizing that we are worth having a life free of worry and the stress of food issues. But it takes work to get at the unlining issues of our use of food and addiction.

I also understand about limitations on food available to you... for money reasons or the lack of where to store or prepare the food. I have had financial stresses, so being able to afford healthy foods get really limited.

One of the things that I love to munch on, especially now while it's hot, is frozen veggies..... peas, green beans, and corn. They're cold and refreshing and don't contain a bunch of calories. Sometimes I get that salad dresing that you can spay on and spritz some over the top just for added flavor. They have a great vingerett...yum

As for that guy on my space...... consider the source....an uneducated idot!!!!!! I used to work as a crossing guard, standing out on a street corner waiting for kids to come by to cross them. Nothing more public than we being out there on the street corner....anyway, I used to get people, men, driving by yelling things...rude things out their car window's at me; remarks reguarding my weight and my looks .... calling me ugly, fat b..... , and so on. Some would even drive by and bark out their window as they were going by. So I do understand. Those things hurt alot. And I am still today trying to get passed how that has made me feel about myself...especially when I look in the mirror, because many times in my head I hear all those things being said to me. It's hard for me to believe anyone that pays me a complement because of those things.

What I did was take the focus off of my looks or what I might look like now and in the future in reguards to weight, and put it on health. I want to improve my health. I need to have stamina to keep up with my 10 yr. daughter. I need to improve my asthma. I want to be able to just do more activity in general and not just sit around watching life go by. I am a young grandmother as well and would like to see them grow up and participate in their lives...not just watch it.

Sorry this got long. I hope some of it helps. Just keep coming back here and talking....about whatever you need too.

They also have OA online meetings at many different times. The link is above in the sticky's. Maybe that will help some.