Self-esteem issues and relationships......

[Pony]

Ok, I am going to talk about something that is of an extremely personal nature, but thought I should come here to drop it. It surrounds my thoughts on my self image and my attitude about others, mostly of men being that I am a woman, and what I see my future like. A brain full... huh?

You see I just got off the phone with a friend, a male friend, whom I DO believe is trying to understand and help....because he wants me to have a happy future. The conversation started out about both of us finding someone in our lives to share it with til....??? you know. Anyway, he thinks that I am not interested in looking for or having a committed relationship because I have given up, and well, I guess he is right.... to a point. Or maybe just totally right! I told him that I am tired of having relationships that start out as if they love me and turn sour soon after they really get to know me.... like live with me.

I know this is all over the place but so are my thoughts.... I am just trying to get them out here....maybe they will make some sort of sense. And please keep in mind that this is not a thread fishing for a bunch of complements to amke me feel better.

Anyway, the conversation brought up a bunch of painful feelings that I have on this subject of men, friends and acceptance for who I am. He tells me that I have a pretty face, great hair, nice personality, good heart and so on. He says that I should get myself out there and meet guys, that I deserve someone in my life that can be in love with me.....which is different from just loving me... right. Well, I agree with most of what he says.... but if I am such a great person that so easy to love.... why have I had so many failed relationships with guys that have done nothing but try to change me... my looks, or the way I am. He says that I need to love myself....well very true, but hard to do when everyone around you is always telling you how to change and what would be better and so on; or to have someone stop loving you because your not the person he thought you were or expected you to become.

He says it is my attitude that is holding me back..... and he's probably right. But it is hard to have a great attitude about relationships and faith in them when all I have ever been is "ME" --- a person who cares about others, and family. Who tries to do right, would never purposely hurt another ; hard working ..... but who is over weight, alot..... and is not a clean housekeeper and I guess an average cook..... all these things seem to be important issues in my past relationships. I somehow haven't learned to keep any romantic committed relationship alive. After a few years they turn sour.....and out come these complaints. Some of which I have tried to change.... but these things just don't happen overnight. But what if they never change.... I mean, I have tried to be a neat housekeeper. It only lasts for a short time and then I seem to slip back....Does this make me a bad partner for a marriage? Can a person really not love me for these things???? Maybe they never loved me to begin with...and I just don't have then nack of picking the men in my life....so yes, I have given up essentially.

At one time, when I was in school, my mom likes to remind me..that I used to say, " they can just like me for who I am...if not who cares". I was accepting of myself and who I was .... even if it was messy...lol.... but then as the years go by people tell you that things like that are unacceptable and that I have to change them.... my looks were unacceptable, because fat is ugly... so you need to lose weight. Your clothes aren't in style....you need to go shopping, but wait... Oh, you don't fit into those cute styles.... tisk, tisk. There are so many thing that others just seem so fit to judge you on....and then you start to doubt yourself, because acceptance is a part of obtaining love.

Does any this make sense to anyone? Am I the only one that has gotten hit with this growing up and through life? I don't think so, but it sure does feel alone when some one who you care about tells you... if you could only..... then you would have...... as if those changes are the only things standing between you and happiness.

My head is just realing......and I would be scarfing down a bunch of food right now if I were not here typing and trying to makes sense of the conversation. I really wanted to ask him.... if there is nothing wrong with me..now,,, why wasn't he in live with me then....afterall he's looking for someone to share life with and grow old....(not that I really want him to be in love with me, we are friends and I am not in love with him....for my own reasons, but just the thought anyway) you know. He says he loves me as a friend and we do not have that kind of relationship.... ( not to get to into it, but we have been intimate on occasions)... But it's not just about this conversation.....we've had others about this, but he dug deeper about it today and triggered lots.....

In fact I am calming down as I have written this, but my feeling and questions are still the same..... what can I do that I haven't already tried that deems me acceptable for someone..... hence my attitude about it all.

Thanks for just listening/reading. Thanks for your patience about this subject yet again. I know I struggle greatly with this. So I know that I may have more to add to this as I sit and think all this through some more.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Pony,
I just wanted to let you know that I did read and I am listening and I care about you and what you're going through. I do wish that I had some words of encouragement and comfort, but tonight I'm just too tired to even think. I just wanted to let you know that I'm listening and I do care, before I go to bed. I will reread your post tomorrow and I will pray for you tonight. Please be loving to my friend. Talk to you tomorrow. (((((((((((((((Loving Friend Hugs)))))))))))))))

[Biscuits]

Hi Pony

Just wanted to say hello and say that i got alot of recognition from your post. I too used to judge myself by what other people thought of me and tried to change lots and lots of things about me. What i found for me though was that i was not ready to accept love from others in relationships as deep down i did not have self love and without that i doubted everyone elses love for me.

I challenged the love aswell, to see if they would still be there if i did not act perfectly, i think this stems from childhood and not receiving emotional love and care that i needed to grow healthily. Love was very lacking and was very conditional from my parents. I would almost sabatage the relationship because i did not know how to accept love when i had it. I was not able to accept the love for a variety of reasons but mostly the fact that i felt unloveable so i refused to believe people could love me. In my head i was really ugly and fat and if you said you loved me then you must be some kind of sicko so i always drove people away. Also at times i drove people away because i knew one day they would reject me anyway so rather than allowing them to do it to me i did it to them.

Don't know if this helps any but for me self acceptance of where i am today helps alot and i truly believe today that I am the best i can be just for today and i love who i am because God loves me as i am. I no longer need validation from others to feel that i am worth love, i love myself and am able to both give and accept love today.

Sending you all my love and (((((((((hugs)))))))))

[cali]

Pony thank you!! Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly right here in the ED thread!!!

My head is just realing......and I would be scarfing down a bunch of food right now if I were not here typing and trying to makes sense of the conversation

Weather it's eating or drinking-using-whatever, we can ALL relate!!

I really liked what Biscuits started out with:

I too used to judge myself by what other people thought of me and tried to change lots and lots of things about me. What i found for me though was that i was not ready to accept love from others in relationships as deep down i did not have self love and without that i doubted everyone elses love for me.

I related going back to/and or having the same situations happen again and again. I have struggled with relationship issues all my life.
It's an "inside job" (loving ourselves) and now that I am getting some of the work done, I care far less (in a healthy non defensive way) what people "think" of me--
and actually I see that most of the time it boiled down to "what I thought they were thinking of me"...

You brought a lot of stuff back for me today-and I thank you for that. I am so glad we have a safe place to come and share.
((((Pony))))

[Pony]

I appreciate all your replies. Thanks.


I really don't think that I have pushed anyone away in fear of being loved. In my past relationships I believed in what they had told me about how they felt. what I am saying is that it seems to change after a few years and whatever love they had or good opinion of me goes down the tubes.... WHY? I am not any different basically. I have not changed who I am inside ... the kind of person I am. If anything I have improved who I am.

I have had two long term relationships. One I was married, and the second we live together and both of them seem to have gone down hill only after a few short years (when I say long term, I'm talking aprox. 11 yrs each) and then they can't stand me or anything about me. Wouldn't that lead anyone to think that there must be something that is happening to change things....but what? combined with other shorter relationships that I have had at other times in my life that never seem to work out. Now I know that some of them were just not right for me and so on, but it just makes me a bit skiddish about my choices in men.

Yes, in the present I can say that I lack the confidence in myself to sustain a relationship so I have shy'd away from looking for and starting anything past friendship level. But in the past I did seek out and go after, where I felt the connection, with confidnece that I could get ....... and enjoy .... and live happy....., but they just didn't work out.


Anyway, I did have a conversation with a co-worker yesterday with someone that did give me some things to think about. Mostly having to do with my self confidence and they way I approach my potiencial relationships.

[Dragon Dancer]

Hi,
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote Pony. I listen a lot to what others think of me, and what they think I need to change. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I agree with the others that the most important thing is self-acceptance. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves.
Good luck with your journey. I don't have answers, just want to offer support.

[Pony]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Dancer, it's nice to know that we are not alone in our feelings and the issues that we face.

[Jwife22]

Hi Pony--

I can relate to alot of what you wrote. My personal experience, and I am going to be totally honest here cause I'm not ready to admit this to my husband yet, is that I tend to say things like, I am gonna do this diet or that exercise or man I wish I could fit into a size 8 or something like that....but I don't follow through. Then when I don't follow through and I see all these bikinis and bathing suits, I am not happy that I don't have the figure (well atleast I don't think) to get into one. Well, that gets me into an even bigger funk and I think about just giving up all around...eating what I want, not moving my butt off the couch, not doing a darn thing.

So, after a while, my husband says things like, well, maybe you shouldn't eat that or maybe you should start walking a treadmill etc. Things like, you know if you just watched what you ate for a while and really stuck to it, you'd be able to get into that bathing suit you saw or that size 8. I get so MAD and HURT but more and more recently, I have come to realize that maybe just maybe he is saying these things because I say them about myself. He says he is trying to be encouraging and helpful but it still HURTS me. So instead of believing that, I start emotional eating because I feel fat and feel like he doesn't find me attractive and that no man would ever want me if we weren't together.

I guess what I am really saying is that I say all these things to myself or to him and that's okay but when it comes down to him saying them, I don't like it.