I am new

[mamashell]

My name is Michelle. I have an Eating Disorder. I don't really know how to label myself right now. I am fat. I weigh 168 pounds. I have been anorexic & bulimic for many years.
Recently I developed night eating disorder which has caused me great misery & weight gain.
Right now I am severely depressed. I don't go out of the house unless I absolutely have to. I have children & I have to go out to buy food.
I am considering buying phen-fen off line. This scares me. I know it is a deperate messure but because of my illness, I have no choice but to be tempted.
I hate me.
Thanks for listening. I just wish I was normal. I wish I weren't me.

[Jwife22]

Hey ((((Mamashell)))) <----means hugs to you.

Don't do anything to harm your body. Like many of us, it seems that you have self esteem issues. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Can you make an appt. with a therapist?

I hope that you'll keep posting on here. The ED thread sometimes is a little slow but people come around, it just takes a while.

Stick around and keep posting.....

[mamashell]

Thank you for listening. I am in such a bad place right now. I have nowhere else to go. I am just sitting here alone hating myself.
It is kind of funny, when I am not eating ( 14 days) at a time, I find some release from this depression. I think I became my anorexia. It helped me forget who I was. Now it is gone & all I see is huge globs of fat.
I don't go to therapists or doctors. It has been 4 years since I saw my actual doctor. I go to the ER for kidney infections or my asthma attacks. My doctor wants to "help" me.
I really don't want help to stay fat, ya know? Lol! I think my night eating is my brains way of fighting me. I have been sick this way for 27 years.

[cali]

mamashell thank you for sharing. I was borderline/well on my way to being anorexic about 11 years ago. I totally relate to where you are right now because today I also am "fat".....
I relate to feeling like someone else when I was so thin but I know how much I was hurting myself and I don't want to go back. I am trying not to abuse myself with over eating in fact I have ove one month with eating only "good" foods......but I can see myself slipping the other way, not eating enough. It's such a delicate Infrastructure....balancing food, recovery, attitude, life and the list goes on....
sorry for babbling and I want to say welcome----and you are NOT alone!

[Biscuits]

Hello Michelle and welcome to ED forum.

I am a recovering bulimic compulsive overeater who has experienced many different dimensions to this desease. You have made a real step forward in acknowledging you ED and sharing with us so that says alot about where you are at right now.

I too spent many years wishing i was normal and not me, i dreamt of one day being this super thin woman who didn't go through life thinking that everyone and everything was against her. One thing i found out though was that no matter how thin i got and i got pretty thin at times it was never enough for me to stop dreaming that i was someone else.

I don't know if you know but there is a support group for people with ED's who use the twelve steps for their recovery. I have been a member of this group for many years and have found great support from the other people in the groups that i have attended. The name is overeaters anaonymous they are on the net if you want to check them out.

Keep coming back and sharing your journey with us.

[sista]

Everyone has shared good stuff with you... so I just want o say welcome! {{{HUGS}}}

[Nina Kay]

Hi Michelle and Welcome to the Eating Disorders Forum of SR. I do so hope that you'll keep coming back here and talking to us and reading everyone else's posts, as often as you possibly can. Please also read the Stickys at the top of this page. They are very informative and there are wonderful links to others helpful sites there. One of the links there will lead you to an Overeater's Anonymous online site and meetings. You've found a place here where there are alot of wonderful people that are going through or have been through alot of what you are going through. You will recieve alot of support and complete understanding from everyone here. The kind of understanding and support that you can get only from others who have experienced these problems in their own lives.
Truth be told, you are alot more normal than you think. You'll learn that here. I also can understand what you are going through with the depression and the isolation. Those are SO my problems areas too. And the night eating problem is so very much more common than you realize. Please do keep coming back and I do hope that you will search out some OA meetings here on the internet and especially face-to-face. These meetings are so much more helpful than you can imagine and they are just people like us that are dealing with the same kinds of problems that we are. I really hope to see you around here alot.
((((((((((((((((Understanding & Caring Hugs))))))))))))))))))

[Pony]

I just want to say welcome. We have a great bunch fo people here ready to give support. You don't have to go it alone.

Above was some great ideas. Overeaters Anonymous is really a great place to work on the issues that surround your ED. That might be a good place to start. Not sure why you refuse therapists or a doctor but some kind of professional help may really prove to be what gets you healthy.

[mamashell]

Thank you all so much. I am here agin. I am so alone. I drink too. I am so asahmed. I have hit bottom, so where do I go now? Ah, the answer I feel is hell...but aren't I already there? I am sorry. I am just so down. I need HELP. I scream & no one hears me.

[Done-With-It]

I posted to you in the newcomers thread. I just wanted to welcome you here.
I also just wanted to mention I agree with the others about getting support for
your ed. Phen Phen is off the market, but I think I know what you are talking
about. That one is still illegal. The odds of you getting a fake one from India
are 90%, and if you don't the odds of you getting addicted to it are 90% or more.
And then it quits working and you are back to square one but with a diet pill
addiction that you can't function without the pills. Please don't waste your money
on them.


Getting help and support is a much better choice. Glad you are here.

[Nina Kay]

Michelle,
We are hearing you. I'm glad that you came back. Please do go and get help for your recovery from alcohol abuse.Your life is at stake and it sounds like the only way left to you is up and onward towards healing. It's a process and everyone needs others who can understand what we are going through from their own personal experience. There are other forums here filled with other wonderful people who are experiencing recovery from alcohol. There also alot of wonderful people here on this forum who can personally understand dealing with alcohol. Please feel free to go and read whether you post or not some of the other forums where you will get alot of support & understanding. SR is just filled with so many loving people who are very willing to share their own recovery experience. You are definitely not alone when you come here to SR, no matter which forum you share on. I hope that you'll keep coming back here and from my experience, the more you come to SR, the better your life gets. Take care of you.

[mamashell]

Well, here I am again. Lol! So much has occured in my life since I have been gone, stress, drama....my response NOT EATING correctly. Why does it always come down to that?
I think I have an addictive personailty. Everything I do is in overkill, even house cleaning.

[BeeBee]

Me too Mamashell, I have an addictive personality also. You certainly have come to the right place for dealing with addicitons. I am glad to see you here. There is lots of support all over this board, use it liberally. These people helped to save my life and they can do the same for you. Blessings.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Michelle,
I'm glad to see you back once again. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been having even more struggles since you last posted. I also have an addictive personality and am an extremist. It's been an ongoing joke in my large family all of my life. I overdo everything. I get hooked on or addicted to even the smallest things. I used to just call myself a habit person, but now I see that it is an addictive personality. You are certainly right at home here. You are one of us. Keep coming back often.
((((((((((((((((Understanding & Comforting Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))