Needing to share

[Biscuits]

Hi all

Could do with your support and prayers!!!!!!!!!!

Oh boy i've had a real emotional day today and my inner child is definetly feeling her feelings of being abused, neglected and abandoned.

The adult in me keeps telling me enoughs enough, when am i ever gonna get over being abused and move on with life. Most days life is great and i barely think about the abuse and neglect i suffered as a child but hell this ain't one of them.

I put myself in a situation last night that allowed myself to be abused by someone who loves me dearly and would be mortified if i told them how i feel about what they have done, but the one thing i know is that i allowed it to happen, i am responsible for my own misery today.

My fears tricked me into allowing this person to hurt me and i'm so angry with myself. I know better than to do this and i hate myself for it because the emotions it has bought up for me i haven't felt for ages. The self loathing, the wanting to punish myself, the food cravings and obsession are really strong today so thats why i'm here instead of raiding the fridge or cookie jar.

I know only to well that no amount of excess food will fix whats going on deep down in my heart and that only by loving myself and accepting that it went wrong last night because i did not speak my truth will i begin to feel any better.

My sponsor will be available in a while so i will be contacting her in a while for a real good chat about whats going on. I am so lucky to have people to turn to today who can listen without judgement and although they cannot always be able to give me the answers they show their love for me until i can love myself.

Really sorry i feel like i've just been dumping crap but on a positive ending i haven't gone to the food, just white knuckled it today and prayed to HP to get me through each minute.

It works if you work it!!!!!!!

[sista]

{{{Biscuts}}}

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts today. I'm proud of you for being albe to identify your feelings and know that turning to the food will make you feel worse.
I am so greatful to you for sharing your feelings with us.. It reminds me of were I don't want my day to go.

{{{HUGS}}} Keep strong and remember to turn it over to HP!!!

[Biscuits]

Couldn't get hold of my sponsor last night and don't like to share really personnal stuff with others so i isolated yesterday, apart fom chatting here. I spent alot of time writing about what went on and realised that the situation that happened was not that bad but it triggered some stuff that needed healing from my childhod. It scares me sometimes that after all the work i have done in therapy and program that i still have stuff to do. No i'll rephrase that it pi**es me off that i still have to heal the emotional inner child who sometimes feels confused, frightened and angry. I handed her over to God and allowed myself to cry, cry and cry somemore. (Boy it felt good)
Anyhow have woken up with more clarity than i had last night about it and am feeling saner around my emotions.

What was good about yesterday was that i took care of myself in a way that was healthy, i did not go out with my husband and children to visit family instead i stayed with myself and my emotions, i needed to listen to myself and hold no one else responsible for how i was feeling. Thats true growth for me as in the past i would have gone visiting family, put on the painted smile and had huge resentments by the time i had got home and a list of amends i would have had to make. I'm not good company when i have no clarity and i tend to speak my mind without considering others feelings.

Anyhow today is a good day, the sun is shining and i am spending the day with a very close friend and her kids. She knows all about my past so i'm sure i'll get chance to have a good chat over lots of coffee. She is an angel in my life and give love and comfort to me even before i know i need it.

My food plan is intact and the obsession from yesterday has died down although yesterday scared me a little as i have never wanted to overeat to punish myself before. Mainly i overate without thinking or as a protection thing to keep me fat and not get attention but yesterday the cravings and obsession was all about punishing myself for allowing myself to hurt me emotionally. I don't like this feeling so i will try to figure out what is going on there. Any thoughts would be greatfully received.

Lots of love and hugs to everyone from a very greatful recovering bulimic/compulsive overeater.

[cali]

Wow-thank you so much for sharing---I related with much of what you shared in both posts here. I internalize posts that I truly relate to and apply them to my own life with the similarities etc. When I go through such things as you describe here, the end result for me is that I had growing to do and the opportunity to become aware of that necessary growth manifests itself in "situations".

I am slowly learning that this is the absolute truth for me. It does NOT minimize my feelings 0r the "pain" that I feel when I am going through it however I am recognizing it more quickly and I remind myself not to me so hard on "me" and to embrace the process....cause it's happening, and it's ALL good as long as we keep moving forward.
Thank you for helping me today