self sabotage

[Biscuits]

Help, i am feeling really vunerable about losing weight. People have started to comment and i feel so uncomfortable with it. Its strange, for years before i came into recovery all i wanted was to lose weight or at least i thought i did but i am realising after doing some writing that i sabotaged many of the attempts i made because i could not handle the feelings that came with losing weight.

I am feeling really vunerable about who i am becoming, i've lost about 12 pounds so far and it really makes a difference to my figure. My clothes are feeling looser on me but i struggle with buying clothes for myself at times.

I know that my husband has noticed the weight loss and i can obsess about the fact that he wants to touch me all the time. My insecurity is saying that its only happening because i am losing weight and he loves me more because of it but i know thats crap as he has always been very loving towards me whatever weight i have been.

My head is running riot with all this crap, telling me to protect myself with my fat as i realise now i have done it for so many years. I am relying on HP to do for me what i cannot do for myself, that is to continue to be abstinent one day at a time. My food plan was done this morning when i was sane after prayer but right now my head wants me to change my evening meal to a food i can comfort myself with. I know that i will not binge over this as i don't binge anymore but i can at times rely on foods that give me comfort at meal times. This again is something i choose not to do one day at a time thats why i am here to clear my head so that i can choose to work my program and stick to my food plan.

Thanks for letting me rant..............

Lots of love to all

[cali]

I relate to this so very much biscuits.....I was thinking of going to therapy about my food problems......
but maybe, just maybe, I should go to therapy for the "other" problems that only manifest themselves as a food issue?? I guess I could ask questions all day long....
the bottom line is what am I going to do about it today??? Will I be part of the solution? There I go with questions again....thanks for this post.....

[Neagrm]

Hi, Biscuits. You've got your plan and that's great. Thanks for writing about your struggle because it really helps me, too. You've put it into words and I'm not alone. You're not alone. You have a good plan and your HP is helping you.

Give someone on your OA phone list a call. It sounded from your other posts that you've got a great supportive group there. Go ahead and use them. Someone/s will be very glad you did.

I just got home from getting my teeth cleaned, xrays and eval. For the first time in many, many years they say I've got a cavity and an old filling to replace. wah The cleaning feels very good and the thought crosses my mind to not eat anything ever again to keep that clean, polished feel. Ha, never eat again? Well, I'm going to eat a turkey burger sandwich and no dessert for lunch. Then go out and run some more errands and keep from the sweets.

You hang in there. You've done it before and you can keep it going. You are an inspiration to me. Sending you supportive vibes!

Nea

[Biscuits]

I did survive the night and went to bed relieved that i had not given into comfort food.

For today i am doing the next right thing and that is to dress in lovely clothes that flatter my figure and not give into the old idea's that i should hide away in baggy clothes so as not to attract attention. I am worth being beautiful today and feeling good about who i am, i have had enough years of feeling worthless and i do not want to give these thoughts power anymore so i am challenging them everyday (pretty scary stuff).

Thanks for the support i know i can do this by working my program and reaching out to others when it all gets to much for me.

[BigSis]

One of the things I continue to struggle with is somehow twisting those compliments into a message that says, "OK, then! I'm DONE!".



I've also lost some weight - to the point folks are noticing "something". And what I know I've done in the past is suddenly stop "seeing" my body the way that it is. So I struggle each and every day to stand naked in front of the mirror and not only acknowledge that the chins are down to 1 and a half, but to also remind myself that the belly is still.... a belly. That my thighs are still... thundering.

I need to make this a food plan for life, and to not let myself get drawn into my mind's little game of ..."Are we done, yet?"


(((hugs)))

[kelliegirl]

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? When someone tells you they're ok with your physical appearance it's still difficult to believe them. I suppose even the women with perfect figures are still critical.

I haven't had much success in making things stick for life. I am pulling for all of you. Let's try to win this battle together!

[BigSis]

What I have figured out about ME, is that I cannot do anything for life. I can't get my mind around the idea that I will never again have an ice cold beer, a yummy chocolate torte, or be able to numb my stabbing pain with percoset or enjoy a night out at the casino.

What I do know is that, today, I am not going to do any of those things.... and probably won't do them tomorrow, either.

That is a far smaller 'thing' that I can do.

((hugs))

[Neagrm]

I'm so glad you've found that, Big Sis. That's a wonderful thing you are able to do, focus only on today.