My daughter is ashamed of me, help me please

[kermit]

Well that about sums it up, I'm here crying because my saighter doesn't want me to go to her dinner for softball. She wants me to dress up, I have nothing to wear, I'm to fat.. I have gained over 70 pounds since her Dad left, I have had no disire to stop eating, i eat all night long all day long, I'm ashamed and now I can't even look in the mirror,how do I get started? Please help me.

Kermmie

[Spiritual Seeker]

I don't like to give advice but here is my reaction to your post.
1 Sounds like depression involved...make an appt. with a therapist and go
2 Join some type of program for overeaters: Overeaters Anonymous, Lindora, weight
3 walk ea. day.ea/ day farther than day bef. Park far from the entrance to all business to get the exercise
4 Buy sexy panties + bra (inexpensive at Marshalls or Ross) just for you to make yourself feel sexy
5 Make a list of things to do when compulsion to binge hits: take bath, call someone,
listen to music etc
6. Don't go to any fast food restaurants Don't buy junk food
YOU KNOW all this, but have lost your way. Divorce is hard but it is time to deal and get healthy for yourself and kids. I wish you the BEST

[Nina Kay]

Hi kermit,
You say that you have no desire to stop eating, but it sounds to me like you do. You just sound like you're afraid to make that commitment to try, maybe for fear of failure. Or maybe you are filling the empty places since your divorce and you're afraid that you'll feel more empty or alone. I'm just guessing, of course, but that's what I felt while reading your post.

I really like the suggestions that Spritual Seeker made to you. I know from my own experience that going to Overeater's Anonymous Meetings can help a whole lot. Just going and being with others that understand from experience what you're dealing with can make a world of difference. And who knows why or how it works, it just does.

I really hope that you'll keep coming back here to this forum as often as possible. I've found that just reading and posting helps me, even if and when no one responds. There are always alot of people reading here, that are like us, that don't post much, if at all. So keep coming back because you're difinitely not alone with this problem. Hang in there and take baby steps. Being patient with yourself and being nice to yourself is key. Baby steps.
((((((((((((Understanding and Caring Hugs))))))))))))))))

[pedagogue]

You can do some shopping for something now, and then deal with your stuff afterward. Support your daughter at her softball dinner, and then take some time to support yourself. There are some great people on here who can talk with you about OA (like Nina mentioned above)

Best of luck!

-p

[Cecilia]

I wasnt going to post. But I just cant stand it. AAARRRGH.

What IS it with us women and weight. Its nice to be thin but if youre not so what. Men dont obsess like we do. I have never heard a man say "do these pants make my butt look fat". They strut their stuff no matter what. LOL.

Kermit you are under lots of stress right now. You dont need more stress worrying about your weight. There will be plenty of time to work on losing a few after things settle down if thats what you want. Dont forget youre body is cookin up stress hormones like crazy and makin you crave carbs big time. BTDT. After Elvis's Hoohah I gained 70 pounds too. Must be a magic number. After things settle down the cravings will too.

Are you sure your daughter is embarrassed about your weight or is she just disappointed cause youre not willing to get spiffed up and go to her sports banquet.

Im saying this cause I care. Take some of those bucks you got from selling your exabode and go splurge on a new outfit. Dress the body you got. Just because youve gained a few doesnt mean you cant be a snappy dresser. Thin people dont have a monopoly on lookin good . And dont forget the sexy unmentionables.. <smilie>

[splendra]

((((kermie))))

See the beauty in yourself and accept that you are beautiful and don't believe any voice in your head that says you are anything but wonderful beautiful...and please give that daughter a tap on the patoot from me. I am sure there must be something you can wear that looks just fine...

[Pony]

Kermit,

Wow, this post just hit a spot with me. I just got home from the gym, which I forced myself to go to tonight because I really wasn't feeling up to it (in my head only) and read this....where I realy can indentify with you.

I have allowed my mirrors to collect so much clutter in front of them that I can only see my head....and half the time I don't even want to see that. I am ashamed of the way I look myself, how can I think that my 10 yr. old daughter wouldn't be. And yes, at one time she even said that she was embarressed of my size (which was quite a while ago and mostly because her father is embarressed by me- he's thin)....but it all hurts just the same. So I do feel your pain, but.... my daughter does love me and would be very upset for me to miss any of her events for sports or school.... she has also told me that! I am sure that your daughter just wants you to be there with her to share in this part of her life. Dressing up would sure make you feel better about going... maybe.

Just because we are not the tiny little size we expect ourselves to be (or others expect us to be) doesn't mean that we can't look good. There are some pretty good choices in the plus sizes (if you are at that stage) and even cuter stuff in the misses. I am kind of inbetween at times. It just depends on the style of clothes. Anyway, for softball, you probably don't have to dress fancy, just a really cool casual outfit will probably do.

I have a similar problem in that I am having to attend a retirement dinner for a couple of my co-workers that are retiring this year. The event in this Fri. and I have nothing to wear, or nothing that I think is good anyway. I went shopping last weekend and found ..... nothing!!! Basically I think it was my own attitude that got in my way. A week prior I knew that I hadn't gotten myself to the gym for many valid reasons, but still I knew that there was a riff in my program and I was not pleased with myself....therefore I didn't look good in anything or I just couldn't see anything I was even interested in...mostly because I didn't think it would look good. Attitude!!!

We are here for you.... you are not alone. Go out and find just a little something and go to that dinner with you daughter. She needs to know that life hasn't stopped just because daddy left!!!!

[elizabeth1979]

Kermit divorce is hard, no matter how you slice it.
We all have different coping mechanisms.
Lots of good suggestions here.
I gained about 60 pounds throughout the hardest times with my ex.
I lost it all. It was hard at first, but once I started seeing results, it wasnt nearly as bad.

Do it bc you love yourself enough.

[renee18]

I just want to enourage you all to find this song and listen to it is is call Mirror by Barlowgirl


"Mirror"

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me

This is a song I listen to all the time. God created us and we need to see ourselves as God sees us.

[kermit]

Thanks everyone, I just sold my house so starting a excerice rutine I can stick to is out of the question, I will be out if this house by the 30th so for now I'm going to just try and do my best to cut surgar and bread, make it thru the move and start a rutine. I' only a size 14 or 16 depending on clothes.. I hope to get back to a 9 10 that is where i am comfortable. Thank you all of you for your help...
P.S going to get fruit and veggies today lots of them.

[cali]

((((((Kermit))))))))
I can "slash my throat" with food.....I am sorry if that sounds extreme, but my point is that I can hurt myself with food just as badly as I did with alcohol....I know now that I have to---HAVE TO apply the 12 steps to my food "issue" just as other issues.
I realize that I have to be willing to go to any lengths to not abuse myself with food just as I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I still struggle-but it is getting better ODAAT. I also have to remember that I didn't get there overnight, and it's going to take what it takes to "get out"......but one thing is for sure-
"nothing changes if nothing changes". Love yourself today----

[livefree]

kermit,
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. It can be so hurtful when others do or say things about your eating. It just makes things that much worse. Like you don't know there's a problem! One way of thinking that helps me deal with my ED and alcoholism is "just for today." Rather than focusing on big goals that can seem impossible, I try to stay in the moment. Also, I try not to dwell on the what I've done wrong in the past. For me, this means not focusing on how I've ruined my teeth, the $ I've wasted on food I've purged, and mistakes I've made while drinking. For you, this might mean not dwelling on the weight you've gained. I agree that outide support is critical. I never could have gotten my drinking under control without AA. I know my problem aren't exactly the same as yours, but - as far as I'm concerned - variances of addictions are generally just different manifestations of similar underlying problems. Best of luck.

[Spiritual Seeker]

In your pain I hope you can be there for your daughter who needs to have a soft place to fall. I hope you two can open up and not stuff all the feelings behind the divorce. When my son was in school is was important for him that I show up for the games and banquets, so I did. I hope you can too.

[Pony]

Oh Kermit, I know there is alot going on right now....many, many changes in your life. Just take it one step at a time and don't overwhelm yourself. When that happens it is easy to just give up and hide away....depression. I know it will take time to see that life is just one big adventure and this is just a new facet of that journey. You and your daughter are embarking on new discoveries. First step, take care of YOU... very important so that you can be there to join in and take care of you daughter.

Lots of hugs and prayer for your journey.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by Pony

First step, take care of YOU... very important so that you can be there to join in and take care of you daughter.

I liken it to being on a plane with your child, and needing to put on the oxygen mask. A person's first instinct is to do the child's first, but if you neglect to do yours, how can you really help the child....whether it be then or 10 years from then?

-p