What the...?

[BigSis]

With friends like this, who needs enemies?


Actually, I take some responsibility...

Was at a fourth step workshop this past weekend (See my "Searching and fearless..." thread for more information on THAT.)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-fearless.html (Searching and Fearless...)

But Saturday afternoon, my friend - who is in all the programs with me AA, Alanon, and OA... anyway, she said - let's go to the store at the break to get away for a bit.

So I agreed. Four of us went.

When we got there, we went on a "Blue Bunny" search for some of that great ice cream with no added sugar. I couldn't find it, but my friend was determined. So I handed one of the others some money, and said I would meet them outside (I needed to be codependent and checkin at home...smile).

They all came out about 10 minutes later and we piled in the car to head back to camp. My friend said - pass around the ice cream - so drumsticks were passed all around. It was over 80 degrees here that day, nice day for ice cream.

Except...

It wasn't sugarless. It wasn't "no sugar added".

I was chomping away, and I said - man, this sure tastes good... in fact, this tastes TOO good. What... did you guys buy FULLY sugared ice cream?

Oh... ha ha ha ... they did. And the joke was on me.

So I turned to my program friend and said... ok, that's it. Next time, I'm going to take YOU out for a drink and see how that makes YOU feel (her main program is AA).

So here's MY part in it-

I didn't specify only sugar-free ice cream
I didn't check the label myself
I didn't throw it out when I realized it was fully sugared.

If I had been in AA and someone had passed me a Long Island iced tea (a drink made of rum), instead of a real Iced tea, it would have been my responsibility to not drink it.

But I didn't... I ate the whole thing.

And... I was thinking about eating sugar all night... AND I let myself take a nibble of brownie a little later, too... rationalizing it with "well, I already blew it".

gah!

This was a FREAKING FOURTH STEP WORKSHOP!!


... well, at least I know someone going on the list for next year.

Plus, I am going to confront her about it.



In my shoes - what would you guys have done, and how would you approach my friend?

Thanks...

[pedagogue]

*scratches head*

I'd be more concerned with your finishing of the ice cream and your displaced anger towards your friend, than the fact you had something with sugar. Sugar is sugar, what you chose to do with it (and why) is the issue. The implications of what your friend did sounds more problematic than the actual ice cream...i mean, food is neither good nor bad, it is merely food. Some OA'ers may disagree, but it is people who ascribe these things to food, the food is not 'born' one or the other.

-p

[Nina Kay]

Hi BigSis,
Well, knowing myself the way that I do, if I were in the situation that you described and I ate the ice cream that the friends bought without looking at the label and ingredients or at least asking about them specifically, I would know that I was already doing my stinkin' thinkin' that sends me into a slip or relapse, before we even went to get the ice cream. I would know that I needed to just be honest with myself about that.
On the other hand, I would believe that my friend who was in OA with me would know that I had been abstainent from sugar for a while and intended to continue to stay abstainent from sugar. So either she was just thoughtless or she was having her own stinkin' thinkin' going on and wanted to break her abstainence and so justified breaking yours too, in some way. I don't believe most people really intend to harm or betray someone that is close to them.
Maybe I would just ask her what she was thinking at the time that would lead her to trick you like that, honestly. Maybe talk to her without accusation, but with an earnest desire to understand, so that you both might grow from the experience. I do know that this can be a real growing experience for you and her and your friendship too. I really don't know if I've made any sense, but I hope so. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us here.

[Neagrm]

EM said, "...friends don't do this sort of thing to eachother. What would I have done in those same shoes?.......well, I would immediately have stopped eating the ice cream if "no sugar" ice cream is what you're meaning to keep with. I would have tactfully expresses my disappointment in my "friends" and I would have been pissed off for a while. I take it that your friends knew you didn't want the ice cream with the sugar in it, right?..."

(I can't figure out how to do the quote thing, bleh! Haven't figured out the emoticons either, grrr. lol)

Big Sis, not having actually been there and in your shoes, ideally I'd do the same as Earthmaiden said. I agree too with what she said about friends not doing that to ea other. But I don't think it'd hurt to talk to your friend at an appropriate time, after you've thought about it and gotten clear about it.

I think it's never too late and it's usually fine to bring something up later to discuss when you're feeling stronger/calm/whatever -- AND you understand your motivation for addressing it. What is your reason for bringing it up with her? Maybe you need to speak your truth about how it felt, you need to be heard. But if it's to "get back at" her because it irked you, first you need to find out what you're really feeling/thinking and what's behind it.

If you do decide to talk about it with her it can be as simple as, You know, I was thinking about that day re the ice cr and had some more thoughts/question/etc.... It's possible that a festive/frivolous group mentality took them over and they simply didn't think/lost sight in a weak moment/temporary denial/whatever and no personal intent was present, an oversight/forgetfulness of purpose, I don't know, everyone is human.

I can imagine myself feeling hurt by their carelessness. I don't know if it would help to tell the friend, I(yourself) felt sad/frustrated/(fill-in-the-blank). Then maybe add something about what you need or would like from her/friends in the future; it would help if ___, or, I need ___. Then ask, Do you think that would be something possible to do next time?

I don't know, just throwing out thoughts/ideas. I really am not good at expressing myself in the moment, but I think it's wonderful you realize you're having feelings about this and you want to think it through. Be kind to yourself. It was a very human moment. You can make a plan for what you can do in such situations in the future, or for similar scenarios in which you might need to protect yourself from temptation.

It sounded like a great workshop overall and very worthwhile!
Hugs,
Nea

[BigSis]

Thank you... I knew you guys would help me think this through. Very thoughtful replies.... ((hugs))


Nina Kay - this helps me...

she was having her own stinkin' thinkin' going on and wanted to break her abstainence and so justified breaking yours too, in some way.

Because the truth is, I do love this gal... she is a friend. But I think SHE was also struggling, and it wasn't a "joke on me", it was just her thing and I was in close proximity.

I will talk to her about it - with love. Because she is fragile, too. And hurting her would be worse than the ice cream incident.

I had a big part in this... and, like other relapses, I am finding much I can learn from it. And I DID get back on the wagon and every day I move FROM that day, the better I feel.


Again - thank you all for your thoughts. (((BIIIGGG hugs)))

[pedagogue]

As an aside....I LOOOOOVE the term "stinkin' thinkin' ", it really is perfect in its usage here.

-p