Thoughts after my trip visiting relatives

[Neagrm]

I returned from a trip to see two of my sisters a few days ago. I was gone ten days and it was a little too long for me. I’m so glad to be home and not have to go anywhere for a bit. This is the first I’ve felt up to writing a little about it.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve spent time with them like we did and I learned a lot. It was great to be together again. It was also interesting some of the tensions and dynamics to deal with.

They are both quite slender, one almost too thin. I am the biggest of the bunch, not terribly so, but I certainly no longer fit the “proper” image for our family. The difference was also accentuated when my niece gave us each pj’s (matching t-shirts and pants). She said she could exchange them for another size. I could have just managed with mine, but they really were a size or two smaller than I wear and I knew if I washed them they’d probably shrink. She said no problem, so I asked for the next size. It turned out they were out of the sizes in the same t-shirt and sweatpants, so she got different ones for me, so I am dressed different from my other sisters in the pics for our pj parties.

No big deal really, still similar colors. I don’t know if it is just me, but I felt vibes of evaluation and judgment the entire time. I thought I had gotten somewhat beyond all that self-comparison, but I guess not. It is very damaging to self-esteem regardless of reality. It’s a like what I imagine it’s like to be under constant observation.

Something I read here reminded me of those feelings and the sense of always being evaluated, never accepted just as I am. So I thought try to write a little about it. It could be it was all in my own head, my own harsh judgment. But I have a sense my FO was always an environment of tough criticism growing up; mostly unspoken and very subtle yet pervasive.

Am I unable to accept myself when I’m with my family of origin? It puts it right “in my face” and I cannot ignore it? I don’t know exactly what it is. They certainly can’t miss seeing me now, <wry laugh>. I didn’t feel *heard* when I was younger. It’s ironic my physical presence now makes a more *emphatic* statement. It’s uncomfortable to be so “different” from them now. (When they talk about their weight and their clothes I could scream with laughter at their concerns.)

I know they love me. I know I’m lucky to still be living on this earth. I am very grateful for this body that has done so much, endured so much. I don’t know why I’m now overweight even though I know how to eat healthy. The addiction owns me now despite my best intentions.

I still have much work to do. I had a few days relief from the food obsession a couple months ago when I experienced a spiritual healing from old business finally resolved. I know further healing is required, more work to do. I also know for me it’s a multi-faceted issue, it’s physical also, hormonal somewhat maybe, certainly it’s also spiritual. But there isn’t a black and white this-is-the-answer.

Enough thinking for now. I’ve stretched my brain, have been tired after my trip, not eating right. Hope to get through this soon and turn a corner to positive action, positive choices, self-compassion instead of shame.

Nea

[Nina Kay]

Hey Nea,
Welcome Back. I have missed you. I was wondering where you were. If you told us before that you were going, I must have missed it or it's because of this very disfunctional memory that I have now. LOL.

It's after midnight here and I'm even more tired in my brain than that, so I just wanted to drop in to tell you that I just now saw your post. I'm sorry that I didn't see it sooner. I'll come back and try to respond a little better tomorrow. It sounds like you had a time of self-realizations. I know that it's hard to go through, but I know that after I work through experiences like that, I feel more accepting of myself as I am and more accepting of others as they are. They are real growing experiences.

I'm glad that you're back home too. Talk to you tomorrow.
((((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))))))

[Neagrm]

Thank you Pony and Nina Kay. Your notes mean a lot!

I want to get on more and write more, too, NinaK. I appreciate your kindness. It was an eye-opening trip for sure. (I can't remember if I mentioned the trip -- intended to; had to cancel it before in April and rebook and things were crazy before I left.) I've been a little tired since and hope to read more on here, catch up, and process things.

You said, "...It sounds like you had a time of self-realizations. I know that it's hard to go through, but I know that after I work through experiences like that, I feel more accepting of myself as I am and more accepting of others as they are. They are real growing experiences..."

You are a wise-woman. That was exactly what it was about. Thanks for saying it. Really appreciate your taking time to write to me.

I'll be back soon. Time to go watch a movie with DH.
Nea

[Nina Kay]

Hey Nea,
I said that I'd come back today and talk to you, but guess what, it's been a crazy day and I'm just now sitting down for pretty much the first time. My brain is just so not working. All I can think to say is that the self-compassion you talked about in your first post sounds like such a restful and refreshing idea. I really think that this might be the very thing that would help each one of us the most.

I hope that you and hubby enjoyed the movie. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[Neagrm]

Hi, NinaK, a sweetheart you are to write a note even when maxed out! Me too last night. And I got up at 5 a.m. this morning with a terrible headache, tried various things for a bit then went back to sleep for an hour and woke up feeling much better. I hope you have an easier day of it today.

One thing while I was at my younger sisters: She became suddenly repetitious and loud in her speech and seemed impatient every so often. I was curious at the change and looked directly at her asking about it or questioning with my eyes. Each time she caught herself and immediately appologized saying, Oh I'm sorry, I'm so used to dealing with [my husband].

It suddenly occurred to me, I wonder if her husband feels like I do when she does that? At the time I didn't understand how I was responding right away until later since I've gotten home, so I didn't think to voice the question out loud. Maybe I'll bring it up with her by phone sometime.

In any case, I had a new appreciation for what it's like for him. (I always only get her side of the equation) He and I both have hearing loss and wear hearing aides. Evidently his aren't working well for him and I know it's been difficult for my sister to communicate with him. She says he often doesn't hear her or forgets what she/they have talked about. But now I have a different viewpoint since I also have the hearing difficulties and understand some of the subtle challenges and frustrations it poses.

When she loudly repeated herself and seemed almost condescending in manner with me, I felt taken aback and surprised. Sometimes I needed to hear it repeated, but mostly I heard her and evidently didn't respond quickly enough for her. Once I was looking directly at her close by so she'd know I was listening. I was thinking about my answer and she did it, speaking loudly and slowly. I found myself feeling dimwitted and foolish as she did it.

I laughed and said loudly back, I got it! I got it! I'm thinking! Give me a sec!

Anyway, it was an interesting eye-opener to me. I hope it might have been for her, too. I realize it might be helpful for me to say to my spouse/whomever, I hear you I just need a moment to think about it. I also told my sister while I was there that often I'll get part of what is said but not the rest. So I repeat out loud the last phrase I got leaving it open at the end for the part I didn't hear so the person can repeat only that part to me. They don't need to go back to the beginning, just give me a couple clarifying words and I'm fine.

I learned I really am a patient person in many ways. Have often discounted it in the past when people have told me that. I know without a doubt that patience and tolerance are two of my gifts. The trip was an affirmation of that for me. I can make sure I put those on my "strengths" list.

Nea