anyone replace drugs w/ eating disorder?

[marcella98]

It took me awhile to get up the guts to post this, I don't know why. I haven't wanted to admit it to anyone even over the internet.

Here's the quick background to my problem: I have always been obsessed with how much I weigh. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 20 I was bulemic. Back then I think I did it for attention (I let lots of people know). I had a very low self-esteem.

Then I developed a drinking/drug problem a couple years later, did that for awhile (five years of active addiction/blackout drinking) and went into AA in September. I relapsed in January and went back right away and have been clean and sober since January 21.

While I was drinking, I cared about my weight but wasn't obsessed with it. Whenever I gained weight I tried to diet it off but I didn't mind if I failed. I was never officially overweight, as far as BMI goes, but I was on the high end of normal, something I was never very comfortable with.

Anyway, since I stopped drinking I started to lose weight. At the end of my drinking I was at my highest weight (145 pounds), which isn't bad for someone who is 5'8''. I felt big, my clothes didn't fit, but I wasn't overweight. Once I stopped drinking I went to the gym more and more and now I am down to 128-132 pounds (it fluctuates), which is still normal but on the low end. So I should be comfortable, right?

Instead ALL of my old bad habits have come back. I have been obsessively counting calories and feeling guilt/shame if I eat too much. I have been obsessive about going to the gym. The worst part is that four or five times recently, after eating too much bad food (something fried for example, or a bag of chips) I've forced myself to throw it up. Each time I said I won't do it again but then a few weeks later I eat too much and then think the only thing I can do is throw it up. It becomes mechanical at this point.

I don't know what the **** is going on. I fear I've replaced drinking and drugs with an eating disorder. I don't know how to stop and what's worse is that I don't want to stop-- I am deathly afriad of gaining a single pound back.

I don't want to tell anyone this because unlike the time I was bulemic for attention, I do not want any attention for this. I have much better self-esteem now (ironic, I know) and to admit that I am so obsessed with my weight would be embarrassing.

I just wanted to write this because I think I will feel better if I say it, and I would really feel better if I find out other people can relate. If you can, let me know how your coping with it. I really feel like I need help at this point but at the same time don't want it. I am afriad that help means gaining weight.

Thanks,
M

[mimi54321]

Hey, I am so glad you posted. Whoa, I am exactly the same and have yet to find someone that truly understands. Let me show you my post which asks almost the same as you:

Originally Posted by mimi54321

I am having a nightmare, again.

I have suffered from Anorexia/Bulimia for many years, booze helped me stop throwing up - strange but true.

The problem I have now is after quitting drinking (well its been 3 weeks and I've only drank on about 3 days during that period) is..

I have started losing weight - which is great but my ED's have kicked back in and I've cut right back on food again. This in itself makes me want to drink because I get so tired.

I'm tired but also feel wired, its like nervous energy as I can't relax and my mind won't stop. Before, I would eat very little in the day and then the first calories I would have when I got home would be from booze.

I find it so uncomfortable to eat/relax/stay calm without the booze to facilitate.

Anyone else relate?

M x

Please keep in touch M, I feel like we may understand each other

M xxx

[HKAngel24]

M-
You do know that it's not about the food, weight or calories - it is about how YOU feel about yourself? There is something missing inside of us that we fill with calorie counting or with drugs or alcohol. But it just masks something larger. Finding out what that "something else" is, is the key.
TRUST ME on this- coming from a recovering anorectic - I have been in many treatment centers and have seen the horrific effects of bulimia- the rotting of teeth, the tearing of the esophogus etc.

Have you seen a therapist? All the behaviors are just something you are "using" to fill the emptiness inside. I can completely understand the mind racing. I always feel like my mind is obsessing constantly about anything and everything. The truth is that scientifically - when we are not taking care of our bodies and not getting proper nutrition - it actually increases the obsessive compulsive behaviors.
Even now when I am actually a functioning individual and not spending my life hooked up to tubes, barely existing, fading away- I have the ED thoughts, but they no longer control me to the extent they use to. I made a promise to myself after my last inpatient stay that I would learn to LIVE not just exist.

You deserve to get past this and not allow it to dominate your life a second longer. Do what you can to take a step in the right direction by talking to someone- this is your only life don't let it wait. PM me anytime you need to talk. You can feel better!

[livefree]

I have been anorexic and bulimic for over a decade... about half my life. I just got sober from alcohol... 76 days=) Mimi, alcohol helped me stop purging, too. Clearly, it wasn't the best way to go about doing it. Now that I'm sober, I feel overwhelmed by my ED. There seems to be an increasing awareness of the crossover between alcoholis/drug abuse and EDs. Apparently it's starting to be seen more of as an addiction, which I believe it is. I've been to a lot of treatment centers and each time there have been more and more girls admitting to alcohol/drug problems in addition to their eating issues or vice versa. When I was in detox, 6 out of 9 girls I roomed with throughout my stay had dealt with EDs in the past. I wish there were support groups for girls like us who deal with both issues.

[cali]

Thanks Marcells for this post and all the replies to it. It really got me thinking...
I have questions....what constitutes having actual anorexia? When I was 25, I was extremely thin and didn't eat anything more than lettuce for months and months.

That was about 12 years ago and I have the reverse problem now of being "overweight"--probably 30 lbs or so---it's enough that I am not confortable with myself. I have thoughts about starving myself again. I know that certainly is not healthy and I don't want to hurt myself etc---but the "thoughts" are there.
thanks in advance for any input.

[livefree]

The general diagnostic criteria for anorexia is as follows...
refusal to maintain weight at normal level for height and age (higher than 85%)
intense fear of weight gain
distortion is body perception/ denial of low weight
ammenorrhea

Check out www.somethingfishy.org it's a great site with lots of ED info.

I think yours could be another example of switching addictions.