tired of hiding in bathrooms

[flower5289]

ok..im a 36 year old woman with 3 kids .already people think eating disorders only hit young kids..i was very overwieght and finally dropped all the weight and then it happened..i over ate a little and that was it..i had a eating disorder..its been 3 and a half years and i do not know how to stop.im afraid of dieing and leaving my kids but something is wrong with me..if there is any one out there that knows what im talking about please email me..im desprete and willing to listen.

[Rachael]

I know how you feel, im sure we all do. Its good that you recognize the problem....
<<<>>>

[Pony]

Flower,

First of all welcome. I'd like to reassure you that eating disorders are not just for the young. It doesn't only come about just from growing up with bad ideas about food either. There have been plenty of people that never had problems until later in life.....and then there is me, that has very bad issues with food all my life.

You are not alone in this struggle to be free from the guilt and pain of food and self-esteem issues. Please write more about what it is like for you. Very interested to know. I can also assure you that there is someone here at SR that can relate.

Pony

[flower5289]

thanks for the imput.of all the things i have to deal with this is the hardest. i feel i have no control over this..they'll be days ill say 'ok' not today. but without thinking ill just eat and eat and there i go to the bathroom. i tried to blame it on my ex cause he was sooo mean to me or ill say i want to die when i know i dont.i think i need some help.im realy thin and im afraid to live my life as a big person again.no i wont have it.does someone have the magic word or is this something like alcoholism.im cunfused but i know theres someone out there who will help .ill just wait.

[Pony]

Flower,

All of us here know all to well that feeliing of no control. So you are not alone in this. I was wondering, thou, How did you lose all of your wieght in the first place? I mean did you have a program or follow some sort of doctor, or what? Second, Have you ever checked into "Overeaters Aynonamous" (spelling may be bad) or Wieght Watchers.....? They are two of the best programs out there that deal with weight and food issues along with the emotional issues that go along with maintaining a healthy body.

Also I might suggest maybe a one on one therypist to help you with your fears and self-esteem issues. Meantime, you are most certainly welcome here to share and maybe your story can also helps others that suffer the same as you.

Must be off to work now, I just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you and support each other daily. I'll write more about myself later so you can get to know me also.

Hugs

[captinspond]

Dear Flower,

May I suggest that you seek help. I was both anorexic and bolemic from the age of 16 to 38. I am also a recovering alcoholic. In sobriety and through therapy, I have learned that my eating disorders were the only way I felt in control of my life. I was never really over weight to begin with. When people around me were struggling to lose weight, I can see now that I felt this is a problem that I don't have. How wrong I was. At 23 I got pregnant and thank God had a healthy child who is now 21. I was never able to carry another baby to term. At age 36 I had to have my top teeth removed due to the anorexia and at 40 the bottoms had to come out. My general health was so poor that the doctor wanted to hospitalize me...but I refused to go because there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone was frightened for me. My mother tells me now that she was terrified that I was going to die. Today, I am very healthy. I am no longer afraid to go to the doctor. Yes, I can afford to lose a few pounds, but I have to remember how awful I felt while literally starving myself. I try to eat healthy, but am not always successful, but I am aware of what I eat. Funny thing...today I had a very late (healthy) lunch. For dinner... I ate a piece of pie. I do not feel guilty...I enjoyed it. Tomorrow I will eat healthy with the memories of the pleasure that single piece of pie gave me. Good luck with your illness. I hope that you can learn as I and so many others have that food can be both enjoyable and healthy.

Susan

[flower5289]

this is why i came to this message board..the replys im getting are very helpful.i think this is going to help me in my hopeful ,,some time in the future recovery.and yes i know i need therapy i was in renfew house for a while and that led me to balemia cause i figured if everyone saw me eat then they would leave me alone.that was the best and the worst thing i ever started.now it stinks cause i cant get past it..but mabey now talking about ..finally may help.and to answer the question on how i lost 200lbs. i met some one who didnt know what i looked like and i had to loose this weight fast .i worked for friendly rest. for 14 years and the food was awsome .so i made my self get fired and went nine months starving my self and walked 5 miles every day..rain snow shine didnt madder.i did it ..lost the weight and ended right in the hospital..let me tell you .a potasium drip iv is nooo laughing madder..it hurts or should i say burns.then the mental part where they watch you alllllll the time .then they put me in that renfew house and i learned the wonderful world of bulimea.and thats my story in a nut shell. nedless to say i never got to meet that guy because i was away but no o well .wow it felt good to let that out Thank You!

[Pony]

Flower,

The support on these boards is wonderful and that's why I am here and keep coming back. I'm glad you found us and feel that you are getting good response. All of us here have one thing or another that challanages us daily, so no judgements should ever be passed on anyone. So...write on....and talk about whatever you would like. Someone here maybe be helped from just listening to your story as well as you getting encourgement to deal with your challanges and issues.

I see from your last post that you basically starved yourself to drop weight fast without really learning how to manage your food issues. That's what is so great about some of the programs I mentioned is that they work on the person inside and out to retrain thought processes and educate you on healthy eating habits. This is done so that you achieve success in weight loss but also learn to keep it off for life and still maintain an active and happy lifestyle without fear of gaining it all back.

I myself, am on the other end......trying to get this weight off. I have a long way to go and many issues to get through, but I working at it. Coming here and talking with alot of these great people here has helped a great deal. I don't have much positive encouragement in my home so I come here. It's been good. I love my family but I know they just don't have the understanding of how or what helps to inspire me. Well it's mostly my other half that just thinks if he criticizes me enough that maybe I'll do something about losing. I've tried to explain to him that it just makes me not listen and give up. Like what's the point. It's negative and doesn't work!!! But he's thin and will never know how I feel; also doesn't deal with his own addictions with alcohol. In my opinion he just doesn't have a clue and I block him out when it comes to this. Coming here to talk about those things helps keep me on track. Although lately I have been a bit off and not following my plans. SSHhhhh! lol

[criscee]

it's been a couple of weeks since i've been here. missed you all. let me tell y'all how it warms my heart to see folks suffering with MY same afflictions. when i first got here i seemed to be the only only one suffering from this eating disorder. altho i found a great deal of support. i have been bulimic for almost 4 years and i will be 41 on sunday. it's terrifying sometimes. but i found a great deal of support here talking about issues and triggers. i have been in a pretty good mode with that recently. my every single day addiction is drastically reduced. i'm not perfect but i'm improving. good to be back goils. happy to see new names popping up. keep coming back.

[captinspond]

Hi Criscee:

Happy Birthday! Enjoy a piece of cake. Remember it's not the cake that is bad...it's eating the whole thing than throwing it up. Enjoy a small piece. Celebrate your birthday and your life.
I would like to make a comment...For the most part our disease is an illness. It can be caused by many things...self-esteem, obesity or many other issues that complicate our lives. The way I have learned to deal with my disease of alcoholism is this: If I was allergic to strawberries and they would kill me... would I eat them? I think not. It is the same with alcohol for me. When I got sober and had to deal with the issues in my life, my eating disorders being a major issue... I learned that if this behavior continued...I would die. I suffered from this disease for over 20 years...yes, I had it before they made movies about it. It was real and it was slowly killing me. We all need help. It will not go away. Unless we deal with the underlying problem, how can we help ourselves. We have such control over this, for many of us it is the only control we have in our life...but somehow it too gets out of control and gets us. As with my alcholism, I deal with it One Day At a Time. So far...it is over six years without my disease taking over. It is still difficult when I start to gain weight...But I would rather live being overweight than to die a skinny person.

LOL and Best Wishes to you All, Susan

[criscee]

for the encouraging words. my boyfriend surprised me at a restaurant with a bunch of my sober friends. there was over 50 yrs of sobriety in that room. it was awesome. it made me feel so good. i was very careful how i ate tonight. but after i ate i went into the bathroom. i knew i hadn't eaten too much and i wasn't out of control. i sat there and even tho i felt uncomfortable i walked thru it telling myself that this too shall pass. i can get thru this. well my friends I DID! i walked out and my sponsor who knows all about it looked at me and smiled cuz she knew i had walked thru it. then i got to go shopping for my birthday. my boyfriend was very sweet to me tonight. it was awesome to see my very best friends and some other friends that i didn't know cared so much present to celebrate my natal date. it was great. and susan you're absolutely right about the allergy thing in that i am a recovering alcoholic and addict myself. i am 3 1/2 years sober now and i know that it's about underlying things. i have found a great deal of support here and i have been much better. not perfect but the incidences are less than they were. that i'm grateful for. so progress is being made. i'm more able to identify my triggers since i started treating my eating disorder the same way i treated my addictions. i had a wonderful evening. hope y'all did too. and i did enjoy a small piece of cake. kept it all down too. that was the biggest blessing. thank you God!

[flower5289]

i havent been on in a while i have been working . dont want any one to think i left this board .i have not had a good week,i think a lot of depression has set in. going through a divorce,ate so much tonight thought i was going to burst till ya know.cant seem to nip this one in the butt.but at least i can talk about it even if its to my key board.i think mabey ill keep it this way for now.but im really sick of throwing up.i think my body is getting sick of it. i seem to get real tired after.i need to talk to someone.i need help. i know and im going to find it. i just needed this outlet to get it out of my head so i can sleep ..its 3:30 am need to sleep.mabey now i can. im sorry i must sound pathetic but its like im talking to a mirror.i can talk and no one is screaming at me..
thank you for letting me scream

flower

[criscee]

Hope you finally got some sleep. The only thing I can say is that some days are better than others for me. I try not to put myself in a position where i'm going to end up in the bathroom. i'm not always that lucky. but i keep coming back. i realize that each minute i have an opportunity to start over. we don't have to wait until tomorrow. when i blow it and i am so ashamed of myself, i pray for guidance and strength to start anew. people say don't beat yourself up. i haven't mastered that. but i have gotten to a point where i don't beat myself up SO HARD! so each new minute brings new opportunity. divorce isn't easy. i think the thing we most have to do is identify the things that trigger that compulsion. if we can identify those triggers, when they happen we can learn to walk thru it by doing something other than eat; go for a long walk, call a long lost friend, get on the internet and write about it, knit, crochet anything to get out of our own heads and do something else. anyway hope you are in a better space today. keep coming back.

[flower5289]

hi criscee
thank you.. we seem to have some stuff in common.i will try some of your advice..you should be proud of your self and i hope to get there someday.and yes i did finally get to sleep

flower

[criscee]

you know what i am proud of myself. i will tell you honestly tho i was struggling with this particular issue. i am 3 1/2 years sober but the eating disorder was a problem. when i found this forum i found some help. i have found a good deal of support here. and just being able to vent my feelings and tell someone what's happening with me has been a huge help. i've been her for a few months now and my incidences have become less frequent. working a 12 step program and having a higher power hasn't hurt either. i'm so grateful for each new beginning. have an awesome day. glad you got some rest.

[flower5289]

i met this realy nice man about a week ago.
I couldnt wait to go out on my first date since my ex.
I was so happy when he called me and asked me out till he said we were going out to lunch.
i made every excuse not to go there but
i ended up canceling.
when he called again he said lets talk over dinner,well i said no thanks.
i blew it.. no date
how can i go on with a life with this stupid disease.
am i gonna be alone cause i cant go out to dinner?
as stupid as that may sound..its probably gonna be the biggest thing ill probably never overcome

[Paulie]

flower -

Never say Never. Just stay in today. Maybe call him and ask if you can meet for coffee or a cola, just start slow. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

Keep coming here and posting, we are all here to help each other!!!!

You do not sound pathetic, we all have issues and coming here and getting them out of our head helps keep us same, keep coming back, we need you as much as you need us, promise!!!!

[criscee]

Pauline is right. don't give up on this. start slow.....go for coffee or something that doesn't require eating. don't be discouraged. let him know that you DO want to go out with him but you would much rather meet for coffee and then go to the park and take a walk or something that is an activity other than eating. good luck. keep coming back. let us know how you're doing.

[captinspond]

Dear Flower,

Congratulations on your choice not to dine out. When I was sick, I used to love eating out. I ate like a pig and loved the comments, how can you eat so much and be so skinny. When I finally did go out to eat at the beginning of my recovery, I made sure that I did not overeat then left the restauraunt right away. I chose not to take a doggy bag, since I knew I would eat it later, weather I wanted it or not. It seemed like such a waste, but it was an important part of my recovery to avoid situations that placed me in danger. I was lucky that my husband was aware of my illness and we would leave then go for a walk. I had to get as far from the restroom as possible for at least an hour. It does get better! It took some time to get where you are in your illness. The fact that you are aware that you have an illness is such a GIANT step towards recovery. It is so sad that many people die from this disease because they never admit to it and seek help. Wishing you well and keep coming back.

Susan

[criscee]

thanks captin for the advice. i can use that. it does seem like such a waste not to take the rest home. but i do eat it even tho i know i don't need it. so i think i can use that same train of thought. and i have been in a mode where i have to talk myself down from the visit to the bathroom. so that's a really good idea to do something where a bathroom isn't an option. this is why i love coming here. the support and the different ways of thinking thru the disease. thank you and i think i'll keep coming back myself.

[flower5289]

as we speek im sitting here with a very very full stomach
im hopeing to keep it this way
i hope i last..im trying to do this on my own just for today
one day at a time
flower

[captinspond]

One Day At a Time is the key. However, in the case of an eating disorder we must take it One meal, One snack at a time. I found this line of thinking easier for me than thinking about the next meal or snack that I was going to eat. After all this is outwardly a food focused disease. Managing one meal at a time seemed easier to me than trying to manage a whole day of meals.

Keep it simple. Susan

[flower5289]

you are right
one meal at a time
one day at a time doesnt work
today was a failed day
thank you for that advice
theres always tommorrow..
thanks

[captinspond]

flower, I found that it was important to eat what I wanted so I didn't feel deprived. The difficult thing was not to overeat. Like I said about not taking food home from the restaurant, I wasted a lot of food. I would take one or two bites of something then throw it out. I couldn't keep it in my house. I started buying things as single servings. More expensive but less of a threat to me. Almost seven years have passed and I still can not buy certain foods that I know I will eat just because its there. This is such a difficult thing to overcome. Like my alcoholism I have learned to avoid dangerous food related situations. The funny thing is I still go to all you can eat places. I am so conscious of what I am eating that I probably don't get my moneys worth. Try to eat healthy and in small amounts even if you find yourself snacking all day. It does get better and easier. Susan