Feeling like crap

[Biscuits]

I sometimes wonder if i am crazy, i have been on a real steady path for a while now and then all of a sudden i can spiral down into the depths of negativity.

I dropped my little boy off at my mother in laws last night as he has a day off school due to local elections and i came away feeling like crap. I don't even know why it happened or whether there was anything said that triggered it but it happened. It used to happen alot before i came into recovery. She is 'supermom' - recovering alcholic of many years who raised her two boys on her own, which she let me know about many times over. I feel like such a failure at times with my own kids, i suffered post natal depression after having my daughter, that combined with my ED spiralling out of control left me feeling totally worthless. I don't know if theres such a thing as a natural mother but i always seem to be making mistakes.

My kids are 15 and 11 and during their lifetime i have tried to commit suicide once, been diagnosed with clinical depression twice and also been in therapy for five years to deal with my sexual abuse issues. When i am well emotionaly i see all these things as things i had to go through to become the more stable and emotionally balanced woman i am today but when i am feeling like crap i see them as things that have made me unavailable to my family and make me feel like i am a bad mother for not being as strong as other women who have had to deal with problems in life.

I had no role model for being a mother, my mother was and still is very much a child emotionally so taught me nothing about how to rear my children. I am not resentful of this as i know my parents did the best they could with the tools they had but i sometimes feel a little let down.

Anyhow what all this meant was that after i left my mothers i had to go do the weekly shop, food thoughts and craving ran through my head all the way through it and it took me twice as long to shop as i stopped at all the places where my trigger foods are shelved to have a look. I argued with myself and tried to rationalise that it would be okay just to have a controlled binge tonight and it wouldn't affect tomorrow "real stinking thinking - done that before and it don't work. lol). God had other ideas though and i got a call from a sponsoree and was able to share how i was feeling. (Thank you HP)

I got through the night and have woken up with no food thoughts or cravings, just the feelings of worthlessness, which i know will pass as i continue to work the steps on them again.

Thanks for lettings me unload, i am still in recovery one day at a time but i know this is a warning that i still need to work my program to the best of my ability because my ED is still there waiting with open arms to take me back.

Lots of love

[Biscuits]

Don't know whats going on with me at the moment, my head is so screwed up, old defects and insecurities are driving me crazy.

I know two trigger that aren't helping at the moment are over tiredness and being pre-menstrual. My moods are all over the place but i feel its more than that, i have lost the serenity that i am so used to living with each day.

I haven't had problems with my mother-in-law for years since i made amends to her when i did step nine but for some reason i have started to compare myself with her again something i used to do all the time before i came into recovery. She is an amazing woman who taught me so much about how to live life working the steps and has shown me real love and acceptance. I know that she is not perfect and that she does not consider herself better than me but right now thats what i am feeling.

I am struggling a little with the demands at home right now, my kids have important exams in the next few weeks and i feel exhausted by the constant time i am having to give to them with revision and homework deadlines. If thats not bad enough i work at a high school and we are in full swing for the same exams and its all seems too full on. I just don't feel that i am getting a break from it at the moment and it is wearing me out.

I know these feelings will pass but i hate the crap thats running through my head right now and long to get back the serene feeling i am used to, will sit down later and do a quick step four on some of these issues and share it with my sponsor hopefully i will get some clarity on whats going on and can let go and let God.

[Pony]

Just wanted you to know that someone is listening.

Sorry you are having a hard time of it... {{{{Biscuits{{{{

You already know that comparing yourself to anyone is a waste of time. You are your own unique person. The fact that you care about make a good life for your kids and doing the best you can is being a great mother. Give yourself a break, no one can be like the almost perfect mother-in-law...lol. Just a little humor.

You are in touch with your feelings and the place you are in, that is a good direction to be going in.

[Neagrm]

Hi, Biscuits. I've just returned from a week's vacation away from home, out of town, and in a beautiful natural setting. The contrast of that, with where you are now, doesn't escape my notice. When I'm away from it all, it's a refreshing break and everything seems easier.

When I'm in the midst of all that needs doing, with so many responsibilities and pressures coming at me from all sides, things that must be attended to under time constraints, people who are dependent on me or wanting things from me, no time left over at the end of a busy day to devote to myself (no quality time available because I'm too tired to focus) ... things feel overwhelming and very stressed.

It's very hard to keep perspective at such times and understandably so. Fatigue and stress make it impossible. We are only human and this is what happens to anyone.

So I hope you'll be kind to yourself and give yourself a hug from me. Anyone in education fields, anyone working with students/kids and school has all my support. I know how difficult it can be, how demanding and unrelenting it gets, especially at this time of year.

Being in that unrelenting, grinding machine makes it very hard to carve out time for yourself. I hope you can somehow take a few minutes here and there no matter what, to just breathe and mentally escape. The situation will change, things will end, new things will begin, another season will pass and summer will come. These are very busy times for you and it may take extra intention to find the mental breaks you need.

One thing that goes kaput for me when I'm under such stress, is my self-esteem. Give yourself extra kudos and supportive self-talk as you go through your days because that's the truth you deserve, kindness and strength to hold you up. You're doing a tremendous job, you've been doing incredible work and healing. Keep taking care of you.

Maybe there are some details that can wait, things that don't have to be done and they'll wait for later. Maybe you can ask someone for help, say no to another request, take a day off just for you. Are there some little ways you can build yourself up, do something nice for yourself? I know sometimes it can seem even that takes too much effort, but if so, then just fix yourself a cup of soothing tea, sit down and gaze out the window and know I'm sending you kind thoughts.

Hang in there. Talk to your sponsor and others. It'll get easier.
Nea

[Biscuits]

Been away for the weekend to recharge my batteries and i do feel better, i do think alot of what was going on was down to my hormones and i forget i can have mood swings at times.

Did alot of reading while i was away and know that where i am is where i am meant to be, life at times gets busy but i have to thankful that i am not in the food as well or life would really be unmanageable. I could not imagine how i would cope with helping the kids if my ED was in full swing, i hardly noticed them when they were little due to my relationship with food. So i am greatful to be where i am even if it feels a little stressed right now.

Thanks for the support and love i get when i come here to share. xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pony]

Well I am glad you got a chance to get away and recharge yourself. Yep, those hormones can be a real challange. I know !!! lol

We're here... hugs

[BigSis]

Both your posts are very revealing for me... I need a break. Thanks for the clarity!! ((hugs))

[Neagrm]

Glad you're feeling better, Biscuits. I always have to remember, too, feelings are like the weather; even though they are sometimes very difficult they do change. It's good you took care of yourself and regained perspective.