The Mind

[bonbon]

It plays tricks on you I beleive. Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. I sat here reading the replies this morning with tears of coarse. Because I can feel the pain and know I am not alone in this.

One thing that stands out to me that I keep going over and over and over in my head is why cant I get motivated to change what I need to change? My other half made the comment to me last night, so did you buy your tanning visits for nothing? I have the dual package at the gym, gym and tanning, but havent kept a steady schedule at all. I took him saying that as you should get your ass to the gym, which I know he did not say it that way but its the way I perceived it. I internalized that as he thinks I am fat and unattractive. Those were my thoughts.....literally. I beleive that I am so use to emotional abuse, and I mean from the past as in the 10 years I was with my X-A, that if nobody is emotionally abusing me I will do it to myself. I feel like I am so sensitive to everything anybody says esp my other half that I jump down my own throat most of the time. Not only that, I am horrible on myself, very negative. Always have been.

This is all negative thinking. So how do I change this? Stop this cycle and I truly beleive maybe I can move foward to try and reach my goals? But how do I stop it?

Changing the way you think I beleive is hard. I feel so screwed up.

[BigSis]

My really hurtful negative thoughts came when my daughter was using...

I would start with general, non-threatening thoughts... but within SECONDS, I was thinking things like: She is going to die. She is going to die ugly. I am a failure as a parent. I am helpless and alone. I hurt her by not being good enough..... and cycling through those thoughts for HOURS on end.

Getting to Alanon helped me to

1. Identify the thoughts
2. Identify the PRECURSOR thoughts
3. Stop them/replace them


The precursor thoughts were the surprising part... the not so bad thoughts that I could use as a WARNING!!! BAD THOUGHTS AHEAD!!! signal. If you can figure out what it is you think the first second your hear:... ".. so did you buy that tanning package for nothing?" that is a good start.

Then to IMMEDIATELY change the thinking.

For me, that sometimes meant MOVING... I could sit in front of the computer screen or television for HOURS beating myself up emotionally.

ACTION helps me change my thinking... a brisk walk, a trip to the store... or even better - a walk to the phone where I can call one of my Alanon buds.

Positive reinforcements can help with the healing part...

I am whole
I am harmonious
I am complete
I am loving
I am powerful

I am just as I am


((((BonBon)))) From what you've written, you are no so different than me. And I think you are an intelligent, caring person.

I hope this helps. ((hugs))