Disgusted

[bonbon]

A good friend of mine got married this weekend. I buy a jacket that seemingly looked ok in the store that I thought I could dress up with some pants or maybe a skirt at home to wear to her wedding. As I am starting to get dressed the outfit looks like Im just draped in black, black of coarse Im wearing to try to hide my extra weight gain. I tried on a skirt didnt fit, too tight, then tried on another jacket I had, didnt fit. I was in tears while closed up in my walk in closet that afternoon trying to get ready. My sandals were killing my feet, feet were swollen to hell and back whereas use to in my thinner days I could wear them for days on end......

Then for the kicker, I took a day off yesterday....(trying to re-coupe from my hectic job) and we visit my soon to be inlaws, my other half is taking pictures on our digital camera and I look through them last night, all I could do was shake my head while seeing me sitting on the couch holding our daughter. I hate being addicted to food, I hate this disease of addiciton. Im sick of it being in my life in some way shape or form. My other half I KNOW is just being polite. He wont dare say a word about my weight. Its ok though, after the pictures and the clothes not fitting, that was enough for me.

I find myself yesterday in a second hand shop trying to find just some work clothes to fit into for the time being, as I cannot wear anything I have nor can afford to go buy new stuff to fit my size now. I refuse to.

So, for today Im trying to think about how I can alter my relationship with food. If my self esteem does not improve I think I will need to be locked up somewhere.

I was praying for some motivation because that is what im lacking, im sorry that when i get off work im too tired to think about working out, I eat when and what I want, i dont go off the deep end or anything but diet just hasnt been high on my priority list. I work my ass off all the time, Im unfortunatley the responsible party who has to show up if someone doesnt. So my job at times can be hectic.

Exscuses yea I know, but there valid to me.

SO, got to do something, I guess this is where I say nothing changes if nothing changes. My self esteem will improve as I loose the weight. Maybe my depressive state at times will improve as well. Im just tired. Im just disgusted with myself right now. Overlook my ranting. Thanks for listening.

[BigSis]

Oh (((BonBon)))... man, you are preachin' to the choir, hon.

Two things struck me in your post –

1. The way you looked in those pictures. 150 pounds ago, I felt exactly the same… and then I gained another 150 pounds. The feeling is EXACTLY the same today as it was back then. This tells me that my perception of reality is skewed…. You might take that into consideration. What you are seeing is not perfect, but it also may not be as terrible as you perceive. Just a thought.

2. I knew I was not willing. And since I’ve lost weight SO many times, I knew the feeling I needed in order to get going. But it wouldn’t come. I was not ready. Not yet. I thought I might be… at some point. But not back in October when my Alanon/AA friends were forming their OA group...I just was not ready, especially with the holidays almost upon us.

But I did agree to ONE thing. I agreed to go to the meetings, especially as they were going to be focused on the 12 steps in relation to eating, and not on an eating plan or diet.

So I went to the meetings. And went. And went.

I finally got willing on March 17. I don’t know what clicked for me that night, or the next day…but something did. I knew it was coming, I prayed for it to “hurry up”, and it finally did.

We talked a bit about addiction in general, and I verbalized something I had been thinking about – that back when I drank, I didn’t eat. When I gambled, I didn’t eat and when I (mis)used Percoset, I didn’t eat. In fact, not-eating was a sort of “silver lining” to those other addictions. Just talking this part out helped turn a light on in my brain… enough of a light to decide to make another change and do a 3-day sugar fast. Just three days… that’s all. Just to see if I noticed a difference.

And I did! Notice a difference. I noticed on about the third day, without the sugar, I was more in control of my eating. So I continued… and still do to this day almost 2 months later. In my mind, though, this is just a 3-day sugar fast… I can’t seem to wrap my mind around NEVER and FOREVER. Too big, too much…. So I don’t.

I stopped the gain, and as I had recently topped 300 pounds, that was a relief (sometimes, I think my “bottom” will be as one of those 700 pound women on television that ends up in a nursing home). In addition, I rejoined Curves and restarted my plan to exercise 4-5 nights a week (30 minutes… I can spare that). I lost 15 pounds… then “stabilized”.

So today, I am a bit more “willing” to work on the next steps to my “plan”… I want to reduce the amount of flour I eat – white, wheat, refined, unrefined… just reduce it. I want to begin to write down what I eat, and try to maintain between 1,500 and 2,000 calories a day. I want to aim for about 1 pound loss per week…. With a long-term goal of about 150 pounds gone.

That’s a lot. So I will do what I can today and add to it as I go… but I was not willing at all back in October. I believe I was headed that way, and if I had known it was going to be another five months before I got willing, I don’t know if I would have been relieved… or frustrated. So maybe it is better that I didn’t know “when” it would be, but just trust that my continued prayers might help me while I “waited”.

I am also praying for you, BonBon… you deserve a good life, with a good vehicle to get you through it. (((hugs)))

[Biscuits]

Hi all

Spot on Bigsis, if i'd have replied would have written everything that you posted.

When i look a pictures of myself as a teen (nearly twenty five years ago now) i see a youthful, attractive, slim person looking at me but that is not what i felt back then. I felt huge and unattractive, not even when i was wearing as UK size 10 did i feel slim. I still compared my self to other people around me and what i noticed on one of the photos that one of the girls i used to compare myself with was actually bigger than me so i know i had real screwed up thinking about how i looked and how others around me looked.

When i look at pictures of myself before i came into OA (10 years ago) i see a very large woman, again unattractive and unloveable. (UK size 28 and bursting at the seams) but the feelings i had as a teenager and the feelings of this woman were the same. The thing that stands out the most in these pictures today is imy eyes, they look black and dead, no emotion in them at all. Probably due to the fact that i stuffed all of my emotions down with food. I was not living i was just existing and going through the motions.

Don't be to hard on yourself, you did not ask for this desease, i know i didn't. What OA taught me was that i had to learn to accept myself as i was and to begin to love the person that i was back then and also now. I worked the steps with wonderful people and they taught me so much about how to live life free from all the negative crap that used to fill my life.

Miracles have happened in my life but they came with time and patience, i never seemed to have anything happen overnight which i think was a good thing for me because it kept me coming back into the meeting rooms. Recovery from this desease is possible for all of us, but as said by Bigsis the timing has to be right, the key to this program is willingness. For me i had to honest about life and stop the cycle of self destruction that i was on. Recovery has been scary, i have faced such alot since coming into OA and i have faced it without excess food, which is a real miracle.

I hope you keep coming back to share how you feel, i know for me the more i share whats going on in my life the less power the feelings have over me.