Need to Talk...

[bonbon]

I already know some of this will be negative so just overlook me. I already know my self esteem issues with my weight. I have been in the cycle of trying to find time to work out, my work schedule gets very hectic at times which really can frustrate me, plus a new baby takes alot of time as well. I guess you could say it took me seeing 228 on the scale this am for motivation. Along with my fiance gawking at the ladies as we were out and about this weekend. Which why should I blame him, I look like **** so he should check out things that look better than what he sees at home right??? (I know, bad stinkin thinkin, I know)

Needless to say that crap really angers me when I see him doing that "manly" thing. He has never told me to loose weight, nor has he ever made me feel bad about my weight, but he doesnt realize when he "without thinking" does that it really hurts my FEELINGS, those I do have. I think yep, my ass may not look exactly in shape, I toted a baby around for 9 months and Im a little out of shape yes. But dont disrespect me by outwardly LOOKING or CHECKING out the ladies right in front of me. Someone please tell me I am not stupid for feeling bad when he does that to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that Ive had this weight issue thing going on for a long time, since my teens. I used to weigh over 300 pounds, lost 100 of it, looked and felt like a million bucks. Met someone, had a baby and gained 40 of it back and trust me I feel every bit of it in the biggest way. Im terrible on myself.

So for me I guess this was somewhat of a kick in the butt for me to get started, I didnt let him know how he made me feel, but deep down it did hurt.

I'll do this. I can break my addiciton to food, I did it before, can I do it again? I hope. Heres to getting at least 50 pounds off of me, I hope I can accomplish. I hope to be able to write about my ups and downs here if its ok. For today, I feel ugly and un attractive. I feel fat in the worst form. I hate the disease of overeating and obsesity.

[BigSis]

(((BonBon)))

Write out what you need to... and you can take what you want from my experience...


I look.


I look at the guys. I look at the gals. I look at attractive people. I look at unattractive people. I am curious about you and curious about me.

But I do look... and sometimes, with "appreciation".

Mr. Big looks, too.... and the times it bothers me MOST have more to do with ME than with how long he looked or how hot she was.

As we get more centered and secure in ourselves, our feelings aren't dictated so much by how others behave.

Maybe you can talk with him about not only how YOU feel, but how HE is feeling? Was his "looking" ANYTHING to do with wanting? Or was it just an appreciation of some of God's abundant beauty?

I say this with love, because I can feel your pain... but I've seen big gals with self-confidence and self-esteem who do not allow teeny ones to throw them off-balance. Loving ourselves draws others to us... just as hating our bodies tends to push others away.

I taught aerobics for years down at the "Y"... several older women (in their 70's and 80's) took a water aerobics class I taught. I learned more about appreicating my body from those ladies than every any time before. Just having all the pieces WORKING was something I had not learned to appreciate.

If you find some time to work out - you might consider a class with a good mix of body types (water aerobics gets lots of types ... hard bodies trying to heal an injury, mature people unwilling to break anything, pregnant women, young people... it can be an excellent opportunity).

I hope today can be better for ya. ((((Hugs)))))

[Pony]

Bonbon, write away.... share those feelings..... get them out....and we all can learn something from them. I say that because I have learned something today also.

While I was reading your post, my heart went out to you because I can relate very much to those feelings of frustration with the workout and work schedule and the low self-esteem issues. I have been battling my weight since my teens years also. I have lots to lose before I reach what I feal will be a healthy weight level. Also, the gawking fiance' triggered some thoughts too. I was redy to say.... kick him in the shins..lol....just kidding. No, really I was thinking...wow, how rude. But after reading BigSis's reply... I have to say that I agree with her, and have learned something for myself to use.

You see, I do live with someone that had met me heavy....I had a baby, which made me even heavier, and have been working on taking that weight and the previous weight off since. He has been one to say very hurtful sude things, all in the name of "trying to help motivate me". Yeah right! He once told me, while we were on vacation in Laughlin, that he was the unlucky one, the only man in town with the fattest woman. Yep, that hurt! But that doesn't seem to be the case with you and your fiance' since he doesn't make complaining remarks to you.

First of all, be very proud of yourself for losing that 100 lbs. Be very proud of the baby you just had. Be very understanding with yourself that you needed to gain that baby weight for the pregnancy. And be very proud ov yourself for recognizing that it's time to get back on track with the healthier eating and exercise program.....but do it for you. Not because you think "he" is looking at other women. Guys and gals look..... as Bigsis said... it's an admiration.

But so talk with him. He's your fiance', communication is important and your feelings are too. He may not even realize he was doing it or what effect it had on you.

[bonbon]

I want to thank you all so much for the comments. I appreciate the words because they make me think. Thats why I love this place so much. My main issue I have with talking to him about what he does is that I do not want to show that as a weakness of mine, although it is. He is not fully aware of my twisted up self esteem, I need to realize alot of this is just me. And thats where it just sucks sometimes, as I know that I have alot to be proud of. I guess in my mind these past few weeks I know I need to work on my physically, and it steps alllll over my feelings when he does stuff like that. Makes me feel like Im nothing to look at. Thats just the way it does me. So I already know I wont communicate that issue with him, but I know its important to get it off my chest, Im hoping this is a good substitution.

I do need to be more aware that I am doing this work on me for me. I need to work on that. I need to work on alot of things. Thats for sure. Sometimes I feel as though its all I can do to get through an hour at a time. I have really down days. Maybe once I start seeing progress with this weight loss I will start to feel a little bit better at a time. Thank you all.