Why Won't I Stop

[karlee]

I have bleeding stomach ulcers. My doctor said it was caused by a really bad sinus and chest infection that I recently had..I believe it has to do with the addictions to pills, alcohol, nerves, and mostly due to my eating disorder.
My escophus has been bleeding. I have been told my escophcus can rupture. I know this. I even went and looked at a website about eating disorders. It had a list of dangers of the various eating disorders. There are many serious life threatening things that can happen to me, if I do not stop. I thought by reading up and learning all that can happen...would stop me. Yet. I continued to do so. I binged and purged on Friday. Saturday, I got upset and did it again. Saturday, I was throwing up blood. i am not sure if it was my throat or stomach. Sunday, I didn't do anything, but my stomach was in severe in pain. Today, my stomach was hurting so bad that I couldn't eat anything. Then again I usually do not eat anything between the times I binge and purge. I just don't understand why I continue to do so knowing all the dangers. Why do I continue with having the health problems I now have because of it? Why do I continue doing so when now it is causing me much physical pain? Please tell me why I can't stop on my own! I am so very extremely tire. I have almost begged my husband to let me go into a hospital because of this and all my other issues. He says no..He has complete control of all our money..I do not know what to do because I am not dealing well trying to solve these issues on my own. I do have a couselor, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

[mimi54321]

I'm so sorry to hear this, you sound in a very difficult place right now.

One thing though is you have to stop beating yourself up for what you are doing. Take one thing at a time, thinking about everything at once is going to make you feel overwhelmed, depressed and untimately lead to another binge.

This I know is not as easy as it sounds, beleive me I've been there a million times. As with alcohol and any other addiction, take things one day at a time and focus on one thing at a time.

Also, it sounds like your counsellor is not doing enough. Do they specialise in eating disorders? I am also concerned about why your husband will not let you go into hospital - why is that?

I know its hard, but remember even tiny positive steps are getting you in the right direction.

I'm thinking of you. Be strong.

M xx

[BigSis]

Earth maiden makes a good point, Karlee.

Much of what I've learned in recovery is that no one else will take care of me... *I* need to put myself first so that I do get taken care of.

[Nina Kay]

I'm sorry to be so blunt about this Karlee, but it sounds to me like it's time for you to go to the nearest ER and be very very honest about your situation. You're really dealing with too much by yourself, it sounds like to me and it sounds like your body and mind are crying out for help, but you just don't know where to turn for the help. Just go to the ER and show them how desperate you are for help and listen and cooperate with them and let them help you. You are in a very dangerously deadly situation with your health and it sounds like to me that time is of the essence. They have all kinds of programs nowadays for anyone who can't afford the help. My son who won't keep a job, has used many of those resources. That's what they are there for. I hope that you will do this, but I know that it's your own decision. Keep coming back here for the support that you need. Let us know how you're doing. (((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))