My bottom and some stuff that got me here...

[BigSis]

You would think my bottom would be my bottom… but it isn’t. My bottom is my top! Of my body, that is.

My body shape is generally evenly-proportioned, a little heavier on the bottom… until I hit a certain weight. Then (suddenly, it seems) I get fat around my ribs and under my chin… places I find more “visible”. Oh, it’s ALL visible, but when I gain and lose in my hips, my pants are baggy enough to hide it. When I gain or lose in my bust, my sweaters will stretch.

Plus, like some others have mentioned to me, I have only ONE full-length mirror in the house. The most I see of me is from about the collar bone – up… so when I develop that double chin(s), I begin to be unable to hide from my truth.

And this time (this time? Yeah, been through this SO many times) This time, I am having physical disabilities I’ve not had before. My tendons running from my Achilles heel to the calf muscle have been SO tight… due to lack of exercise, that it becomes almost impossible to walk!

Big old me, always so strong… and here I am, nearly a cripple! And all because I sit at my desk all day, don’t move and all the while, feeding my [whatever-it-is].

I’ve been watching my bottom approaching this time… knew it was coming, was actually hoping like crazy it would just HURRY UP AND GET HERE!! Because until I hit that bottom, I cannot move forward with change. Looking back, this is how it began…

In October last year, I attended a women’s conference with my best Alanon and AA women. Of those, about eight to ten of us slipped away and had our own meeting on eating issues. We decided, then and there, to try to work a program with all the love and acceptance of our other 12-step meetings, using all the tools of 12-step and the books of OA, but without the blame and shame that seemed to be so of what many of us had experienced in our local OA programs.

We started in December… gah! What a meeting. Lots of anger and resistance and … hell, imagine a room of 10 or 12 newbies to an AA meeting, with little long-term recovery (OA related) in the room! It was like that. No one “wanted” to be there, yet we ALL “wanted” to be there.

Then I got sick in January and missed about three meetings.

So I went in February and March… still angry and resistant, with the idea that I will go, and that will be the extent of my “willingness” today. Then I bought the books, then I had this “epiphany” thing a couple weeks ago.

Today, I can feel I really have hit my bottom. Today I am willing to work a program… as I gently slide into figuring out what that program is and how it works for me.

[BigSis]

Oh Earthmaiden, I can hear the pain in your post... and it makes me so sad.

I so understand what you are saying, and at the same time I am coming to believe that my body is only a manifestation of the addiction of compulsive overeating. If I can separate the addict from the addiction in those I love, can I not also separate the compuslive overeating from the person I am?

I think I am beginning to see a glimmer of hope in that area. My prayers are that you can also separate the disease/condition of compulsive overeating from the person you are.... so you and I don't have to say this...

I am saddened by my very self.

(((Earthmaiden)))

There is hope, Earthmaiden, or we wouldn't be here on this site, in this forum.

[BigSis]

Yep, I hear you Earthmaiden.

When I sat in my eating meeting 2 weeks ago and said I envied those who could DO the other sort of disorder that made them smaller because then I could take up less space on this earth... I said that Out LOUD and was immediately ashamed and angry. Because it was true.

I like me. And I can hear the difference in your post ... "physical self", it is my physical self who disgusts me... not my emotional, intellectual, spiritual self. My body makes me angry and embarrassed and ...sad to take up so much room sometimes. To be such a big presence. Two weeks ago, I just wanted to ....disappear.

I've been with these program women since October... seeking some relief, unwilling to do some things, but hanging on to the Destructive Eating meeting. Just praying "something" would click, something would rub off, some... sprinkle of hope would land on me!

And I think it was through my PAIN that I finally felt the motivation to do something different.

For me, that was sugar abstinance and a restart of my exercise program. But even more, it was a change of mindset. I am only doing this for today. I am not so focused on the future, that I feel pain for not yet having acheived what I so badly want.

Today, I want to be in control. I want to feel satiated. I don't want to crave. I want to eat food for fuel, not for comfort. This is far different from "I want to be thin".

At our meetings, we are going through the 12 steps and 12 traditions... one every other meeting or so. We read the text, then put numbers in a hat. Each draws out a number, and reads that question from the workbook, then answers based on our own experience. HP is there... we each almost ALWAYS receive questions that each of us needs. There is a high level of trust and love... and pain and faith and determination in that room.

I have another meeting tonight. I haven't looked forward to a meeting like this in a long time.

I hope today gets better for you Earthmaiden. You are on my heart today.

((hugs))

[BigSis]

No. They are just a bunch of us cranky anons and alcoholics who didn't care for our local OA meeting. We come from AA and Alanon, and NA with about half having some experience in OA.

We had at least one member who was adamant she didn't want the meeting to be called "OA"...so we changed the name. We do use the OA materials, but we wanted to be sure that the focus was not on shame or having too much focus on the food plan, but more on the 12 steps and 12 traditions and how to fit THIS addiction into the program.

I've never attended OA, so I just have been going with an open mind and heart. Some in our area were frustrated with the local OA meetings, feeling too much emphasis was being put on 'sticking to an eating plan' and itemizing and menu planning.

We don't DISCOUNT those things, but we are at least STARTING from the premise that food is an addiction... an obsession and a compulsion. We plan on working through the steps, with as much focus as needed on steps 4 and 5... onion peeling.

Probably any existing OA meeting could do exactly the same - and maybe some do (since I haven't been, I don't know). If yours doesn't, you might consider asking if there are members willing to do a step and/or tradition study aside from the regular meeting. It might serve a similar purpose.

(((hugs)))