Lancing a boil, squeezing a pimple...

[BigSis]

I posted this somewhere else, but I think it is ok to bring it here....

Pretty graphic thread title, isn't it?

But tonight's (March 16) Destructive Eating Meeting (we are all 12-steppers and use the OA materials, but do not follow all the tenents of an OA meeting) was... cathartic.

And only the beginning.

My food is an addiction. I don't eat because I don't know better... I know better. I know about calories and sugars and carbs and protiens and fasting and water and cleansing and burn rates for activities. I am 50 years old, I've been eating and trying to "control" my eating all my life. I've tried nearly every diet and fad and pill and product. Most work - for some period of time, and I've lost my full body weight over the years... and gained it back plus, every time.

I can't be loved out of my addiction, because I don't hate me... I sorta like me.

I was not sexually molested as a kid... or even as an adult.

It isn't about planning or choosing or fixing or tricking myself. I eat when I don't want to. I eat when I feel bad, good, indifferent. I feel bad after eating and before eating. Just like a drunk who can't get drunk and can't get sober.

What I do know is that when I drank, I didn't overeat.
When I took Percoset, I didn't overeat (or eat, period).
Some need was being met. Some feeling being numbed.

But Criminy.. WHAT FEELING? Fear? Hell... I fear EVERYTHING! Doesn't everyone? hmmmm... maybe not.

Had a little epiphany tonight... I've suspected for a long time that I hold others away from me by being too big - especially men. Tonight, I remembered that my drinking was all about "hooking up"... about relationships, being "part of" and belonging... but especially about relationships with the opposite sex.

I quit drinking when I got married... no coincidence, I think.

My eating, too, is all about NOT "hooking up". And there is something there about my mom and the kind of behavior she modeled for me.

My mom's power has long been her sexuality and flirtatiousness. My dad was a truck driver.... you know the kind - flirty, funny. He and mom fit like hand in glove. But monogamy was a difficulty for them, and one of the things on my "list" (you know the list.... the one some of us made growing up, the "I won't be like THAT list"?) one of the things on the "list" was... I won't do THAT.

MY relationships would be forever and faithful. But I don't trust myself. I flirt. I tease. And as long as I am "big", I am safe. When I am safe, *I* don't have to worry about crossing the line... because no one will go there with me. Being fat helps me control my behavior.

Man. This sucks. I don't LIKE knowing this.

And the worst part is... I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Lancing a boil, squeezing a pimple, peeling the onion... it all just makes me cry.

Thanks for listening.... ((hugs))

[BigSis]

I posted that the night after my last Destructive Eating Meeting, and when I first began my sugar abstinance. I thought it might help folks in this forum understand where I am coming from...

Your Alanonic, Alcoholic, Compulsive Overeating friend...

BigSis

[Nina Kay]

My food is an addiction. I don't eat because I don't know better... I know better. I know about calories and sugars and carbs and protiens and fasting and water and cleansing and burn rates for activities. I am 50 years old, I've been eating and trying to "control" my eating all my life. I've tried nearly every diet and fad and pill and product. Most work - for some period of time, and I've lost my full body weight over the years... and gained it back plus, every time.

Wow BigSis, I could've written this part myself.

I was not sexually molested as a kid... or even as an adult.

It isn't about planning or choosing or fixing or tricking myself. I eat when I don't want to. I eat when I feel bad, good, indifferent. I feel bad after eating and before eating. Just like a drunk who can't get drunk and can't get sober.

I could've also written this part myself. Now, I don't like myself and I didn't drink alot or abuse drugs, but I do have a very addictive personality, so it's a miracle that I didn't. I can certainly relate to you though. I've got the Alanonic, Dry Drunk, Compulsive Overeating part down to a tee.

[BigSis]

For me, even after all this work I am doing in my program...it finally "clicked" the other night when I realized I didn't eat when I drank. I didn't eat when I used percoset. I didn't eat when I gamble at the casino.

So some THING is getting "fulfilled" by using drugs, alcohol and gambling.... and food. Seeing it in that light helped me make the decision to do a "sugar fast"... I intended to do only 3 days.

Day 19 today.

I am seeing some changes in my eating behaviors... big changes.