Ramblings of insecurity

[Pony]

Hey everyone. yeah I am still here. I know that I have been a bit silent lately......actually have been so tired that I have had trouble just reading through posts let alone reply to much of them.

Some thing were going through my mind tonight and thought maybe bring it here. It's not so much about food or eating....although anything and everything that effects me emotionally ends up a food issue ... hhhmm

Anyway, I think that I have mentioned that I am kind of seeing this guy......it's not a big romantic thing...we're friends, free to see others if we choose. Yes, I am very ok with this. Neither one of us is ready or looking for a "relationship" beyond friendship/companionship. He has been very supportive in my efforts to get healthy, encouraging me to eat right and get back to exercising. We get together and chat about things and have a little fun also. But sometimes I can't help wondering.....well, if he is embarrassed to be seen with me in public.

You see, we only meet at night...mostly because I work during the day, but we always meet in private. Now I know that some of it because we enjoy our alone time with each other, but I still wonder why we don't every just go do dinner or a movie sometimes. I have mentioned before going for walks on the trails around my area....he never really answers me. As far as goingout somewhere.... he is a bit strapped for money, as he had put it all into fixing up his car. He is really a gentleman and tries really hard to be sensitive to my feelings. He is always trying to boost my self-esteem, which makes me think that sometimes he just says things to make me feel good but that aren't all together true. I believe it all said in good faith that he is trying to be a good friend and help me in any way he can. Did I mention that he is really very good looking. He can have any lady he wants to...they are always futtering around him and wanting to go out with him. Like I said, we are only friends and he is free to do so. But for now he spends his time with me, but we never go anywhere that people see us together.

I know that this may very well be just in my own head....but, well, when you been told that you are embarressing to be around because of the way I look.....well, I can only assume that he may feel that very same way. Recently he's been telling me that he knows that when I lose my weight that I will be great looking.....Oh he reassures me that he likes me now...that I have a pretty face and some good features, but that if the weight was off that my figure would come out of hiding and I would be turning heads.

You know, I am very afraid I will disappoint him. What if that never happens. I know others have taken off the weight...some with more than me to lose. but I have been battling this for so many years....what if it never really happens. I never become that person he envisions, what a disppointment I will be. I mean, I already am a dissappointment is some specific areas that I can go into here....just to say that my size gets in the way of many things.

He is really trying to be of help....I know he is. This is just me and my insecurities taking a walk through my head. I have dissappointed people all my life and yes, including myself.

Well, thanks for allowing me to ramble and vent this.

[Nina Kay]

Hi there, Pony. I just want you to know that I'm glad that you came here to talk to us about your feelings. I really do feel that you are just seeing things this way because of how you've been treated before. I was wondering if part of the reason for wanting to keep your relationship private has maybe something to do with your living arrangements and how people talk? Just a thought. Keep us up on how you're doing with this. I don't like for you to feel insecure about yourself. I know how miserable that is from experience.
(((((((((((((Caring Friendship Hugs)))))))))))))))

[Pony]

EM, yes, you have it....we are as you say "sex buddy's", which normally by definition would mean that we would just get together for that and nothing else. BUT.....we also have a friendship building...we talk on the phone every day, about many other things (as friends) and make plans, as friends do, for other activities, which never really come about "yet"....and do favors for each other....... It's just really hard to describe, I guess, why I feel this way. He talks about us getting together and doing things, like hang out at the beach (daytime hrs. ~ we've been to the beach at night) and go here or there... or me just hanging out with him and meeting his friends/roommates, or going to dinner....but none that ever comes to pass. And it just makes me wonder why????? You know. I have sort of asked, but never really get an answer....which leads me to believe that maybe he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings or doesn't want to admit that he feels the same way as every other guy and would be embarressed to be seen with someone like me.

you said:
[There must be something really special. If you are just friends as you say, then none of it makes any difference anyhow right, or are you two romantically involved as well? ]

It does make a difference because we are supposed to be friends. I go and do things with my friends at any time of day and whenever somehting comes up. Does that make sense? I am not afraid to be sitting in some resturant or be shopping at a store and have someone else I know run into me while I am with any one of my friends.... you see?

You are right about talking to him about this and I will when I get the chance. I was going to tonight, we were supposed to meet up but he didn't feel very good and didn't want to drive. I agreed...although he did invite me to come down there to his place...but my car isn't working right and was afraid of getting stuck somewhere between here and there.



Nina, our relationship isn't that private, we just meet in private places to...umm....spend time together. He has talked about me to all his close friends and my little one knows I am seeing him....so I am sure her father knows also. I just don't talk about it around home....it's none of his business.

Anyway, when the time presents it's-self, I will approach it with him because it iw bothering me. I already live with someone that can't stand to be seen with me, even at our daughter's soccer games/practice's, so I won't have been giving my time to someone else that feels that way.

[BigSis]

(((Pony)))

[Pony]

EM, Thank you....what you said makes very good sense to me and gives me something to think on. You may have it in a nut shell. I am going to talk with him about it. And what you said does give me a better angle for approaching the subject. Thanks

[Pony]

I don't mind sharing at all.... I am the one that brought the subject here...


Yes, I did have a sort of discussion, but did get the answer. the subject came up in a conversation kind of casually and he kind of got offended that I still felt that way after knowing him for this long... only really 6 months. Anyway, he wasn't upset or anything, but had said no, he wasn't embarressed to be seen with me in public. Our schedules...or rather my schedule makes it hard to get together during the day and do anything....and he really doesn't like shopping or crowded places. And he says that he enjoys our private time where we can chat without intruptions and stuff. So I don't know... we see. I think I am going to invite him to a retirement dinner that is going to be in the middle of June. It won't be crowded and it is just casual dress....just some dinner and dancing.

[Pony]

Yeah, he sounded sincere....and you are right, all I can do is wait and see. Afterall....where am I going. We are just friends and "I" really have NO intentions of this going any further than the good friendship that we have growing....well, you know what I mean..right? I am not in any way looking to marry "this" man at all. But as a friend there are lots of possiblities of fun and companionship on many levels. Make sense?

[Neagrm]

Yes, it does make sense to me, Pony. You seem to have a good perspective and some helpful insights about it.
Wishing you well,
Nea