Ready & willing:what blocks; how t change?

[Neagrm]

I was just reading one of the posts from Food for Thought that Pony puts on here. Thanks so much, Pony, for your dedication in doing that. I really do find the readings helpful.

As I read the one about when we admit our weakness and ask for help, then it's possible to do what couldn't be done before -- I suddenly stopped and found myself dialing a friend who does massage and set up an appointment with her.

I've been intending to call her for almost a month, ever since I fell and whacked my head, ending up with a mild concussion (shoveling snow on an incline). It really jolted my body and my poor head hasn't been the same since. I thought a massage might be helpful.

Come to find out she does healing touch and cranio-sacral massage, which I have no idea what they are but it sounds good, ha! She says she hit her head once and knows how it affects a person.

Anyway, reading that meditation suddenly led me to action and I made the call to help take care of myself. In a way, that is "weakness turning to strength," isn't it?

I was also munching on some easter m&ms, almond. I stopped to make the call and now I don't want any more, at least for the moment. It might be because I suddenly realize I feel very full, but at least I've stopped mindlessly crunching on them for a bit. (made the big error of picking up some easter candy when husband and I were at the grocery store last night :-(.

I want to learn to take better care of myself all the time so I don't turn to food in mindless automatic reaction. I want to figure out what it is I'm avoiding/numbing and face it head-on, deal constructively instead of killing myself slowly.

There seem to be so many questions I don't have the answers to; so much searching and hitting blank walls. I haven't given up and will keep working on it, keep on learning. It just seems too, I'm afraid I'm hopeless after all, one who can't be helped or transformed, one so intrenched in the addictive behavior and with character flaws that prevent needed changes.

I'd like to hear about others' journeys, what they've learned and how, what specific details really made a difference. Hearing others' process is so helpful, not just general comments, but the little thoughts and things that go on in your head, what you had to learn. Even if details are not the same as my own situation, it gives hope to hear about it, it's the same in many ways, the need to change, the thoughts that make it possible.

I am currently working on Step 6; were entirely ready to have God/H.P./Universal energy/whatever you might call it, remove these defects of character (searched out in previous steps). I pray for readiness and willingness, yet something blocks my way and I don't know what. I fear I'm not going to "get" it until too late.

Thanks for reading :-).

[Nina Kay]

Anyway, reading that meditation suddenly led me to action and I made the call to help take care of myself. In a way, that is "weakness turning to strength," isn't it?

I think that's exactly what it is. If we're really willing to ask for help and to do whatever we need to in order to get better, then we are much more humble and therefore we are more open to really listening to other people and trying what they have tried. That is our weakness (without false pride) becoming our strength (sincerely open to learning from others & accepting their help).
Just a thought, but have you considered that it just might be fear blocking your way?

[Neagrm]

Hey, Nina Kay, you hit the nail on the head, hit the bullseye, caught the fly on the frog's nose, cut to the chase, and -- I'm afraid I won't get it until the day chickens wear socks! LOL (please pardon my attempt at comic relief;-)

The massage was great and helped a lot. My head and neck are feeling better and I have a little more energy. I walked fifteen minutes at 3mph on the treadmill today.

I've been meditating on releasing fears and opening my eyes/being receptive to guidance. I got to some meetings later last week and interesting things are happening already. Some blinders dropping their hold and insights gained. It is hard work, but it is needed and I'm sticking with it. Bring it on! What am I afraid of? ...

Thanks for your comments. Hugs ....

[BigSis]

((Neagrm)) I think I've been exactly where you are... wondering when the heck I was going to get "willing" and wondering what was holding me back.

I was at a conference last October, up in the woods in a lodge setting. There was a general meeting about to start around the fireplace, but a small group of my favorite AA/Alanon women friends were gathered around a large table. The subject was OA, and the difficulty some had encountered in a strict, no holds barred (or is that allowed?) meetings in our area.

Lots of "shoulds" and "should nots" and structure and "have tos" and some unspoken shame and guilt. In our group opinion, these did not function the way our home groups in Alanon and AA functioned. Indeed, many of us also attended a mixed women's recovery group that picked the very best of program and used it to explore Relationships using the 12 Traditions. For over 2 years, it had been a powerful force in our lives.

While sitting there, with women I trusted more than anyone, we started talking about the need for something "like" OA, only with love and caring and understanding. I remember when one of my AA buds said - you know, when someone "goes back out" at my meeting, they are welcomed back with open arms and true joy. I think that is part of what is missing in our local OA group. There is a lot of judgement going on. I wonder if any of those folks have ever worked a 12-step program outside of OA?!

Well... said someone.... why can't WE start our own OA group?

I tell you, right then and there, my heart was in my throat and my hand was in the "goodie bag" they had given us at registration. There were candy bars in there, and suddenly I NEEDED a candy bar.

My buddy looked around, many of us were munching and quietly contemplating. So, she says, I feel a lot of FEAR here tonight. Let's talk about it...

So we did. We prayed the Serenity Prayer... we didn't even get into the general meeting next door, but just talked about patterning our OA meeting after our Relationship meeting.

We wanted to feel safe, and felt we needed to start with our core group, but that the Traditions would hold... anyone with a desire to stop compulsive eating would be welcome.

That meeting around the big table was my TIME, Neagrm. I felt fear and trepidation... I so did NOT want to do this. I did NOT want to fail again. So my prayer was to pray to be willing.

I did what I could... I went to the meetings, I tried to be honest, open and willing and I bought the books and began to read about the history of OA. I think my prayer to become willing was answered on March 17... at our meeting.

Today I am just living for TODAY. And abstaining from sugar ... today. And willing to exercise ....today.

That is how it worked for me.... happenstance? Chance? Or was it that I stayed when the talk turned to food addiction instead of heading for the general meeting next door? Perhaps THAT was the tipping point.

(((hugs)))

[Neagrm]

Hi, BigSis,

Thanks so much for sharing your great story. I appreciate your response so much.

That was an excellent meeting you had at the conference.

And are you saying, you made the decision then and there to abstain from OS's and kept to it since then? Or did that come later?

Even as I observe myself doing that which I wish NOT to do, I am working the Al-Anon program and developing compassion for myself; a lot of negative self-talk to re-program. Staying with it despite seeming little change.

I am recently having a lot of material come up, things to deal with from the past and exploring awareness how they've affected the present. It's really been very interesting, although sometimes difficult; surprising realizations. So I'm hoping this is part of the journey to success; gaining insight and wisdom and soon to be freed to make wiser, better choices.

Your story is very helpful to hear and I'm so glad you are abstaining and exercising.

Nea