Out of Control

[Evanna]

I am so far out of control with my eating that it is untrue. Over 4yrs clean from drug addiction and 2yrs since i smoked cigarettes yet here i am quite literally eating myself to death.

I buy load of healthy food because i think i didnt give up all the other stuff to die from weight related issues but it doesnt help because i eat outrageous amounts. I eat double helpings of meals, steal hubbies bread, eat son's left overs, go on binge runs to supermarkets.

It is really bad and i am heavier than i have ever been in my life. I have a stomach that has a massive overhang, my face is like enormous, my legs have gone all kind of lumpy and they hurt a lot these days. I did a lot of physical damage to myself with years of intravenous drug use so i really cant afford to be doing this to myself.

I look in the mirror and i dont know the person looking back any more. And you know people are just so rude....they say things like 'i remember when you used to be really stunning'......and then they start to stutter as they realise their mistake and try to apologise. It is clear that they are shocked. I am shocked and its really hard. The things that you say or do that come across as cute and endearing when you are thin just look plain sad act loser when you try them as a fattie.

I cant stand it i am so fed up with it. I keep trying to take control of my food and i just cant seem to do it. This is really hard for me as i am a good control person. I can do most anything i decide to do. But i cant do this. If i dont do something soon i think i will be eating myself to death.

Thanks for letting me rant. I am sure i will be over it soon.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Evanna,
You can come here and vent anytime. The more often you do it, the better for you and all of us too. Everyone here understands what you're going through in one way or another, depending on our individual eating disorders. We are here for you and we're all on this journey together. Just don't quit, whatever else you do. You haven't lost unless you quit.
Wow, what accomplishments, you have with overcoming drug addiction and smoking addiction !!!!! You certainly do have alot to be grateful for and to be proud of. I believe that if you can do either of those things, much less both, then you can do this too. It just may take a little longer.
Have you gone to any OA meetings yet? They really do help, if you can find one in your area. Keep us up on how you're doing.

[Evanna]

What a very kind and soothing person you are Nina. Thank-you!

I havent been to an OA meeting because i imagine them to be full of young, neurotic women but if you are an example of the sort of person i will meet in OA then i feel encouraged already. I will look into it.

Warm Regards
Ev.

[Nina Kay]

http://www.oa.org/all_about_meetings.htm

This is the site to go to in order to find an OA Meeting near you. I hope that you'll be able to find one close to you. Let us know all about it if you do get to go to one. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

[Pony]

Evanna, The OA meetings are full of al sorts of people from different age groups. But they are there for one common reason....they need help, they need support, they need to heal. NO one would be there to judge or criticize you in any way. The support you will get from a sponsor would really be a helpful tool in this journey to recovery.

Hugs to you my dear and we are always here to listen.

[Evanna]

Thanks for link Nina. Thanks for kind words and re-assurance Pony.

[Biscuits]

Hi Evanna

Welcome to SR ,i myself have only been a member for a short time and have been made so welcome by everyone. I am an OA member who is in recovery from bulimia and compulsive overeating and can definitely recommend this fellowship.

I had struggled with food addiction all my life and had tried everything possible to remove it that was available to me until i entered OA. I did not expect OA to be any different that anything esle i had tried but i was wrong.

To be supported by wonderful people who understand my desease was fantastic, it kept me coming back to the meetings as i saw recovery in the rooms. I wanted the recovery and peace that they had and they were willing to help me get it.

I hope that you will continue to share with us, and hopefully try the OA meetings, as with everything look for the similarities not the differences.

[Neagrm]

Hi, Evanna. I identify with all you say. I am looking for an OA meeting nearby, but they are all in the city and farther than I can go right now. I do attend a local Al-Anon meeting, though, and it is wonderful. I've learned so much and get so much support from them, it is a very healing phenomenon I cannot explain.

You have overcome so much and those are great accomplishments as Nina K said. Those really were huge. It is helpful for me to read about your thoughts and lets us know we're not alone.

Keep coming back, never give up. You always have a place here and we're here to lift you up.

[lins]

For anyone who can't get to face to face meetings, there are OA online meetings and phone meetings.

Because I am new here I can't post a link, but if you go to the offical OA website, on the right side of the page is a link to the online and phone meetings. In fact one site has online meetings every 3 hours around the clock.

[Nina Kay]

There is a link to the online OA meetings in the Stickys at the top of this page. This is the one that is happening every three hours around the clock. I've tried them and I really liked these meetings.

Welcome lins. Glad to see you here. We'd love to get to know you better. Maybe you could start a new thread here and tell us more about yourself. Thanks for sharing the useful info. Keep coming back.

[BigSis]

This thread is very helpful to me. Thank you, Evanna. I hope today is better for you. ((hugs))

[Evanna]

Oh my goodness, i cant believe i only posted this 7mths ago. Things are so much turned around it is untrue. I no longer overeat or obsess madly about food and i have lost a lot of weight by simply healthy eating (no dieting) and this one feels really like it is not an issue anymore. Looking back on it expressing it all here must have been the turning point. So thanks for having allowed me the space to do that and having listened when i did.

[roxiestone]

Thank you for coming back and sharing this, Evanna. Can you give us more detail about your journey over the last seven months, if you feel like sharing?

[dave47]

Congrats on turning things around Evanna,i will be over the moon if i can do the same in the future.

[RRecovery]

Or try Food Addicts Anonymous. There is another thread on that wonderful fellowship on this page. I know for me I tried and tried and tried over the years but until I found out I was an addict and that I was addicted to certain foods I didn't stand a chance. FAA showed me and continues to show me that I can eat healthy and one of the great fringe benefits of doing that is that food no longer runs my life.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by Evanna

Oh my goodness, i cant believe i only posted this 7mths ago. Things are so much turned around it is untrue. I no longer overeat or obsess madly about food and i have lost a lot of weight by simply healthy eating (no dieting) and this one feels really like it is not an issue anymore. Looking back on it expressing it all here must have been the turning point. So thanks for having allowed me the space to do that and having listened when i did.

[BigSis]

I know that my own journey into recovery has been looking HARD at my compulsive overeating. I am dabbling in an OA program... and just by giving up sugar in March, have lost 45 pounds and had a stable weight for over 3 months. Some of you know what it is like to have never had a "weight".... it was either going UP or DOWN but never just stayed the same.

I believe it is treating my compulsive behavior as I do my other addictions has made an incredible difference. Talking things out here at SR is part of that process.

Thanks for coming in and sharing your progress, Evana... of experience, strength and hope... I need hope the most.

(((hugs))))

[Evanna]

Thanks for kind and supportive posts everyone. Very much appreciated.

Originally Posted by roxiestone

Thank you for coming back and sharing this, Evanna. Can you give us more detail about your journey over the last seven months, if you feel like sharing?

Roxiestone, i am not sure what happened really. The weight was piling on and on, i couldnt stop eating and i got scared. I was thinking that i didnt give up drugs and smoking to die of weight related issues!

I did join a slimming world group which has been okay as they are a great bunch and we have a laugh every week (nice). But while that has been helpful thats not it. I have done all these things before (including slimming world) without getting anywhere. Posting here, owning it and getting everyones support seemed to be the real breakthrough. It was the point when i said 'enough' i think.

Enough included me making more effort to connect with other people and get out more. This summer saw me going to visit friends by the seaside several times and connecting with an old girlfriend to hike about the countryside. So it was more that i looked at my life than my food if that makes sense. When i started paying more attention to my life the obsession around food was lifted (not all at once but gradually)

Gave up meat which seems to have helped too. i feel mentally and physically better without meat.

Big Sis, that is amazing. Bloody brilliant.