Health complications; Self-talk; Step questions

[Neagrm]

I have had Crohn's disease (CD, inflamation of intestinal tract and various resulting side effects that go along with it) for many years; so I've learned how to live with it.

One thing I've learned is not to let flares go for long without treatment or it just gets worse. In the early days I'd keep hoping things would improve and heal on their own and it would get worse. I'd stop eating because anything set off pain and major diarrhea. I quickly lost weight until in desperation, I'd finally call the GI and get on treatment.

The treatment for acute flares is prednisone. Prednisone gives me the hungry horrors and makes it possible for me to eat again. It also causes water retension and mood swings. I can usually deal with it when on a relatively short bout of treatment to get things under control.

Weight wasn't a problem for me really until recent years of my life (I am 54). In the past couple years I had to go on pred for longer periods of time and gained more weight. I haven't been able to get it back off and my eating habits deteriorated. The food obsession during the steroid use for CD, continues after I'm off the med, just less intense.

Having a few extra pounds wasn't a bad thing and gave me a cushion for flares. But now it's out of control and too much. It's ironic that being overweight means I'm doing well CD-wise; means I'm feeling pretty good to eat. I just need to get back to eating all healthy things instead of the snacks and sweets.

Nutrition is especially important in dealing with a chronic condition that's incurable. You'd think that'd be enough to motivate me. It's not because I now realize I have an addiction. I never admitted this out loud until recently. I hope that is progress. It is awareness at least. I need to get to acceptance and compassionate acceptance and go beyond that to positive action.

The shame and self-condemnation ... maybe they keep me from the next level of Acceptance? Can you really get to acceptance when negative tapes continue playing loud and clear? I am working to develop compassion for myself and sometimes think I'm doing it. But the unconscious ingrained patterns of what I was taught in early life, I'm afraid continue to whisper in my unconscious despite my wishes and efforts.

In my family of origin you controlled the food you put into your body. For many years I was in control. Now food controls me and I'm out of control. It is easy for me to do Step 1 and admit I'm powerless over it.

It's also relatively simply for me to do Step 2 and come to believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (I do need to continually work on this and increase trust). Step 3, turning my life over to the care of God as I understand him/her/it, is something I've also done and need to work on trust.

I've spent the past year working with a sponsor on Step 4 doing a searching inventory; have done Step 5 admitting to God, myself and another the nature of my weaknesses/wrongs. Now I'm working on Step 6, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Has anyone worked on Step 6 with their food issues? As you've gone through the steps do you have any thoughts to share about your experience, hope and strength? I would love to hear about your work with the 12 steps and how you use them as tools in recovery.

I continue to learn a great deal and regularly attend Al-Anon meetings and meet with a sponsor. It's all very helpful and useful. But something is certainly holding me back and I'd like to work to get past whatever block is in the way, whether it is simply it's become a bad habit or whether it's some attitude and thought that needs to be tweaked.

Thanks for listening!

[mina86]

Neagrm!

Way to go! I've been [patiently] waiting to hear your story. I'm proud of you, although it doesn't seem to have been that difficult to admit and post what's going on with you. None the less, welcome, congrats, and you've got my support!

Although I can't recommend anything at this point [never even read the 12 steps process yet], I'll be reading and watching your progress.