Looking at the Past

[renee18]

for the past probably month now i have been looking at my past. It is a past full of hurt, pain, tears, abuse, etc. Since like 2nd grade I have been overweight. The most I weighed was 200 in 8th grade. I am guess you can say complusive overeater and bulimia. I eat a lot then I wont eat for a day or two. I use food for my emotions that is why my eating is out of control right now. Well bring the past to my knowledge and really looking at what happened when I was going up make me eat so much more food then I should this week has been the hardest week with me. I binged so much. A lot of this goes back to me growing up wit an alcoholic father and how that has affected me through out the past 13 years of my life. I have had an eating disorder for 7 of those years. The pain and angry is so much and working with my counselor is hard too a lot of my past just stays in me and I do not say it a lot loud. The anger builds inside o me. Food is my enemy and i don't want it to be my enemy anymore. I am writing here because I can not slepp again. it has to do with depression, anxiety, and eating disorder. I am so overwhelmed by life right now.

Shana

[Biscuits]

Hi Shana

I read your post and felt like i identified where you are at, my life too has been full of pain, anger, abuse and self hate.

I remember when i was dealing with it some years ago the isolation i felt was unbearable, i felt like i would go crazy and i think i prabably did at times when i remember the ranting i did with my therapist and sponsor.

After 10 years in program and a few in therapy i am able to let go and let God today. My life didn't turn out how i thought it would but I am grateful today for my experiences as i know that God only gives me what he thinks i can handle one day at a time.

Please continue to share with others, even when you think your hurting to much as i know how much it helped me to reconcile the pain of the past.

Biscuits
xx

[Neagrm]

Shana, this has been my experience too.

Sometimes it seems when I become more aware and am doing even more work on myself, things become worse before they become better. I've heard this is a common occurrence.

So don't give up. Keep at it, keep working through it. In spite of the slips, be kind to yourself. Our ED's have a legitimate reason behind them; it's not just chance that this is our issue.

Like Biscuit said in another post, reminding ourselves in meditation ... I am willing, or, I am willing to become willing. I am going to keep this as a mantra throughout my days and never, never give up. It helps keep us open to learning more and to receiving the support we need. No matter what happens, no matter what we are caught up in, if we stay with it and work the program, it is still a much better place to be. The door will open to positive change.

I identify so much with what you wrote. Keep writing and I'll keep reading and rooting for you! Thanks!

[Nina Kay]

Shana,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rougher time, lately. The last sentence of your post is the one that grabbed me. When I realize I'm feeling overwhelmed by life, I try to remember to step back and tell myself to just stop and breathe. I figure out what the next right thing is that I need to do and I try to keep myself focused on just doing that one thing. If and when I get that accomplished, I decide again what is the next right thing and focus and do that. Usually between these little accomplishments, I do something little that is relaxing or pleasurable, and that also helps me to not feel so overwhelmed. Rule 62 of AA is the most important rule for me to remember. Take care and keep coming back.

[renee18]

Thank you all for your comments they help so muh. Today is a much better day but it is hard this afternoon because I had counseling and it drained me emotionally. I keep going. God is my strength right now and great friends who love me just the way I am. I will keep coming back and writing

love
Shana