Question about how to help my bulimic sister

[D-Licious]

Hello,

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who attends AA. My sister is bulimic, and I live with her, and she is going through hell right now. I have tried to help, by giving her the phone number of a bulimic friend in AA who seems to have gotten better, and by telling her that she is beautiful and okay just the way she is, and that she needs to see how wonderful she is, but she just gets angry and resentful at me, and lashes out at me. So I gave up trying to help long ago, and now I just go to my meetings, and have basically decided to let her hit bottom on her own. She has admitted to her buliimia, and it is well known, and my family has to hide our food, and she has admitted to spending half of every paycheck on food to binge on.

I do not know how to help, and most people tell me that I can't, except by letting her know I love her, which I try to, though she is very hard to be around, as she is so sad and angry at the world and herself.

I love her so much, and watching her hurt makes me so sad, as I went throuhg my own active addictions, and went through the same pain, loneliness, alienaatoin, low self esteem , and all of it. I know she resents me on some levels, for getting better, as I was really bad, much worse than she is now, even. The funny part is, though she thinks I am "cured", or thinks I think I am better than she is, I am still very far from "recovered", and need to work every day to keep my recovery from my addictions on track.

She doesn't go to more than one OA meeting a week, and seems determined to keep doing it her way until hell freezes over. I can relate.

Anyway, if any of you could tell me what has helped you, both with your own stuff, and watching other people go through their stuff, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,
D-Licious

[Pony]

D-Licious,

I don't know anything more than what you have already stated in your post that you have heard from others or learned from your recovery program. But I did want to welcome you to this forum. Maybe check out some of the links above to some sites that deal with those issues and maybe you might pick up some ideas or unerstanding for the situation.

She has to basically come to the realization that her way is not getting it...some are just more stuborn than others. Take care of you and work your program and I think that can be the best way to reach her eventually.....by example.

[splendra]

((((D)))))

I have several family members who are still very deep in their addictions although I am recovering. I love them very much and I keep praying that they will one day find their way out.

I am very grateful for all the help I have received. What I am even more grateful for is that somewhere in me was the desire to get better.

I have had some very lonely times in my recovery not because people did not care but, because there were places in me that nobody could get to but me.

If you and I had not been ready we would not have gotten the message. Let us not forget to allow our loved ones the same dignaty. They have a right to make their own choices just as we do...I'll be praying for your sister. Please pray for my 2 brothers and my sister if you can...

[D-Licious]

Thanks Splendra and Pony. I agree. You are right about letting our loved ones be where they are at and leading by example.

I will pray for your family Splendra.

Thank you all for your responses.

-D

[Pony]

splendra, good to hear from you girl.....hope all is well with you.

[pedagogue]

*for informational use only, and is not a formal medical opinion*

As a point of clarification, bulimia is not an addiction in the way alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. It is usually a learned maladaptive coping skill (which can be like alcohol, etc), but it is usually different in regard to root causes, complexity, treatment, etc. It'd be a lot easier if you could abstain, but that can't work with food. Typically bulimia is the result (the 'effect', not 'cause') of underlying issues. If you can work on the underlying issues, then you can usually address the 'effect'. This is why working with a professional is vital.

Originally Posted by D-Licious

She doesn't go to more than one OA meeting a week, and seems determined to keep doing it her way until hell freezes over.

That allows her to stay in her ED. OA can be very helpful for some people, but it is probably best utilitized as a support, and not the primary treatment.

Originally Posted by D-Licious

I do not know how to help.....

Sometimes being there is all you can do. I'm not sure if she is seeing a professional, but I'd strongly suggest nudging her in that direction. This didn't start in a day, and it won't end in a day.....but maybe she can get to a better place where she can making some meaningful change.

Best of luck.

-p

[D-Licious]

Hey,

I agree with you that bulimia differs from other addictions, especially insofar as food is requisite to survival, and alcohol, drugs, and gambling are not biologically sustaining in the way food is, but, as far as I am concerned, ANY addiction, is a maladaptive coping skill, and ANY addiction, is based on some form of underlying issue, and, until the maladaptive behavior (addictioin) is curtailed, there can be no treatment of any underlying issues, as those issues cannot be known, as there is no "baseline". In other words, until I stopped drinking and drugging, I had no idea what my underlying issues were, as the vast majority were the result of the very same behaviors which I thought were TREATING those underlying issues. I acted out so as to medicate my pain, which only made the pain worse, and more real, in my own mind. An addict will use any rationale available to justify addictive behavior, in my opinion. But abstinence in the case of food is clearly not an option.

But OA uses AA's Big Book, so there must be some correlation.
OA works for some, for others it does not. I do not have all of the answers. She is seeing a professional. Only time will tell.

What works for me (spirituality, 12 Step Meetings, meditation, prayer) might not work for her. I tried psychologists and psychiatrists, and took a slew of psych. drugs, for 15 years. By the end of this fifteen year period I had spent approximately five years incarcerated in psychiatric wards, one state insane asylum, and several DualDiagnosis Rehabs. I had been homeless, had been charged with 2 felonies, couldn't stop attempting suicide, and had no one on Earth who seemed to want me anymore, including me.

I didn't start to feel and get better until I decided to put down the psych meds, to give up on psychology and "professionals", and went to AA, and followed the program of recovery outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, until I turned my will and my life over to a Power greater than myself (that was not the mental health community, a pill, a drink, money, sex, or my ego). Psychology and psychiatry can point a person in the right direction, but the work one has to do cannot be accomplished by another human being. The effort must be made by one's own self. This is my opinion, and my own experience with "professionals".

Thank you all for your advice.

I will seek to accept the things I cannot change, and change the person I can: me. I can change my attitudes, but not her behavior. Nor do I want to.

-D

[Nina Kay]

Hello D,
I don't think that I've had a chance to Welcome you to SR, yet. I've been sick for a couple of weeks, so I apologize for not being here to welcome you. It's so good to hear how much you really love your sister. Obviously, I see by your posts, you are a very intelligent guy. Your sister is very lucky to have you on her side. I believe that you understand exactly what she's going through. She's just using a different *drug* than you did. I am an emotional overeater and all around food addict, not bulimic, but I can tell you that before I went to OA, I called myself a foodaholic. You're right, about everything you said about the likenesses between AA & OA and the fact that we use the Big Book of AA as our Main Literature.

No, a person can't abstain from food, but there are trigger foods for each person and a person can abstain from those once they learn what they are. There are the same 12 steps and the same program with support from others who are going through what you are, just as there is in AA. It's a very good program. I do believe that there ought to be more meetings per week, but most places only have one a week for each group. Maybe she would be interested in going with you to the open meetings to support you and to recieve some that she needs.

I do think that it is important for you to let her know that you know it's her life and her choices how she lives her life, and that you'll love her just as much no matter what those choices are. Let her know that you are just concerned for her health and happiness and that if she ever needs you to help her or support her in any way, that you'll certainly be there for her leave it at that. Never bring it up again and just pray for her. She will then know that she can come to you for help without judgement, if she ever decides to seek recovery with her whole self. Of course, this is just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest. I hope that you'll keep coming back here and sharing with us and keeping us up on how you and your sister are doing. I, for one, got alot out of this discussion. Thank you.