Slipping

[silvergirl2002]

Hi All, Well, I am slipping back into my ana behavior and I don't really seem to care. I just want control over something and food is the easiest thing. Plus, that old, continuous desire to be invisible so no one can hurt me in any way and I can't hurt anyone with all my issues. I am having trouble with my BF right now. He says all the right things, I mean really great stuff that makes me feel safe and secure, but then I find out about little white lies, or lies of omission and my emotional health can't take it. Then I think about not eating and the power I get from it, when I am so powerless over him and how confused he makes me. I feel like such a dry drunk right now even though I have over four years clean and sober. Last year at this time I was getting ready to go into treatment for my ED. I am looking back on that now wishing it was that time again. I want to be that small again, and I want to be somewhere else than here. Thanks for letting me vent.

peace

[Nina Kay]

Hi Silvergirl and Welcome to the Eating Disorders Forum and to SR. You've made a positive step toward health by coming here and sharing. There'll be others along later to welcome you also and to share their ESH. I hope that you'll keep coming back to read and to post. In the meantime, there is alot of helpful information in the Stickys at the top of the page. Glad you found us.

[Pony]

silvergirl, I am glad you came here shared. having been in treatment before, you know that you are not alone in your eating disorder. How about seeking out a support group that can help you through some of these feelings that you are going through at this present time. You also already know that this ana behavior is not healthy for you. No you can't control others and what they do, but why hurt yourself?

There are tools to learn to help you get through the hurtful things in life. Stick around here and read some. They are many here that share the same issues that you are facing.....they'll be along.

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by silvergirl2002

Hi All, Well, I am slipping back into my ana behavior and I don't really seem to care. I just want control over something and food is the easiest thing. Plus, that old, continuous desire to be invisible so no one can hurt me in any way and I can't hurt anyone with all my issues. I am having trouble with my BF right now. He says all the right things, I mean really great stuff that makes me feel safe and secure, but then I find out about little white lies, or lies of omission and my emotional health can't take it. Then I think about not eating and the power I get from it, when I am so powerless over him and how confused he makes me. I feel like such a dry drunk right now even though I have over four years clean and sober. Last year at this time I was getting ready to go into treatment for my ED. I am looking back on that now wishing it was that time again. I want to be that small again, and I want to be somewhere else than here. Thanks for letting me vent.

peace

Oh sweetie, I just did this same thing to myself a few months ago, got myself down to the starvation level to were my body stopped losing weight, my brain at first felt powerful like you said, and then I crashed into that lonely and dark world. You know that part we forget about.

I just wanted to be small again like you, that's all I could think about at first, and then I got sucked in.

It's never what we think it is. You know it's a dark, lonely, isolated world that once you get to a point, it's so hard to get back out of....

Your so much better than ana and that whole dark world.... When we aren't there we forget what it's like. It's never what we want it to be like.
And we are never happy because we never are small enough....

How are you doing now? Check in with us when you can. Don't isolate.
Feel free to PM me anytime..

[silvergirl2002]

Hi Done With It, thank you so much for replying and asking how I am. I am in the same spot, although I know what you are saying is true. I did take a step yesterday by looking for some support groups on line, but I did not have much luck. Honestly, it's like I was with drug and alcohol recovery, although I accepted step one, I had to care enough before I worked it and could get clean and sober. I know how sick I felt last year before treatment, but I loved feeling almost invisible at the same time. I have other mental health issues on my plate and I suppose my ED is the lesser of other evils. I just hate the pain out there in the world and I have to control something, be good at something, when I feel so defective around other people. It's ironic though, my BF says to just be happy, that makes me so upset and I wanto I have my ED, which cause me to be physically, mentally and emotionally sick and more unhappy. It sucks that being aware of something only gets you so far. Thanks so much for being here for me, all of you. I feel blessed to have somewhere to go.

peace